How do you express love?
Sounds like a simple question, doesn’t it? You just say, “I love you.”
But is it really that simple?
Love is a powerful and complicated emotion that drives many aspects of our behavior and, therefore, gets expressed in countless ways.
Although we all can relate to the feeling of love, how we each experience it and express it is unique to each person. Sure, there are some common overlaps, like saying it with words or using grand gestures, but within each relationship, the expression of that feeling can be very nuanced.
Because people can express love differently, it’s beneficial to understand as much as possible about the diversity in how love is communicated.
Why?
Have you misjudged someone’s feelings for you? Or wondered why someone you love couldn’t see how you felt?
Missing another person’s love signals can be a big problem in relationships. And since we’re not as likely to ask someone, “Do you love me?”, as we are to just assume we know how they feel, being savvy to love signals is a big deal.
Why Understanding Signs of Love Is Particularly Important for Men
Both men and women are guilty of misinterpreting feelings. The advantage that women have over men is that they’re more likely to communicate their frustrations. Men, on the other hand, are less comfortable with expressions of feeling or anything that makes them feel vulnerable.
Men often show love through actions, humor, or protective behavior. Even if they haven’t said the words yet or for a long time, these behaviors demonstrate caring, affection, and yes, love.
They also tend to be more physical in their expressions, and not just sexually. Touching, whether it’s sitting close, touching your back or arm, or a hug, are ways men show their feelings.
But guys, do you even know that’s what you’re doing?
Often, those actions are done instinctually. It’s part of how feelings drive behavior. Consequently, unless a man is particularly intuitive and introspective, these small gestures just happen without much thought.
What does that mean? It means that if a guy doesn’t realize how his own behavior is expressing love, he’s not likely to recognize when a woman’s doing it because women typically do it differently.
Women’s expression of love often involves emotional labor. They listen, offer support, check-in, remember small details, and caretake.
A woman who calls to check on your sick dog, or remembers that you like low-cut Nike socks and buys them for you without asking is showing affection. Further into a relationship, she may set the table for a special dinner without warning, pick up your favorite snack at the store, or verbally tell you how smart or handsome you are.
Men, understanding how women (your woman in particular) express love will help you,
- Avoid misunderstandings or arguments
- Deepen trust
- Create a deeper emotional connection
- Feel more satisfied with your relationship
- Become more comfortable expressing your own emotions directly to her
- Improve the chances for a long-term happy relationship
The Most Common Ways People Show Love
We’ve all probably heard about ‘Love Languages’ developed by Dr. Gary Chapman in his bestseller, The Five Love Languages. It’s now common vernacular to say things like, “Baking muffins is my love language,” or “Fixing dripping faucets is my love language.”
And yes, these fall into the categories t. For reference, those categories are,
- Acts of service
- Words of affirmation
- Giving of time
- Gifting
- Physical touch
But just knowing those categories doesn’t really help you in a relationship.
Really understanding how someone expresses love requires getting more granular, starting with yourself.
Think about your own behavior in a relationship. Do you say, “I love you” repeatedly all day long?
Probably not.
But does that mean you’re not showing love?
Also, probably not.
So, what is it that you’re doing? How are you showing your partner or spouse, or even your family, how you feel about them?
In order to illustrate the importance of understanding your own ways of expressing love, consider the following situation.
A woman I worked with recently was sharing her frustration with her husband. She claimed he, “took her for granted,” “clearly didn’t love her,” and that she was sure they were headed toward divorce.
I asked her if she loved him. She said she did, so I then asked her how she showed it.
She said, “Well, I tell him. Maybe not every day, but I tell him.”
I asked her if that was the only way he would know she loved him. And she said,
“Of course not! Everything I do is for him! He can see, if he would just look, how much I love him. But it’s clear he doesn’t feel the same.”
Setting aside the “Everything I do is for him” comment (I’m hoping that turns out to be an exaggeration) what do you notice?
Let me help – she feels like she’s showing love all the time and he doesn’t see it.
Next, I asked her what she did that showed love that he should see. Without going through the whole conversation, she listed the following:
- Got up when he did even though she could sleep an hour longer so she could make sure he had coffee and lunch for work.
- Rubbed his back when she could tell it was acting up.
- Put his favorite perfume on when he was about to get home from work.
- Made his doctor’s appointment and encouraged him to exercise.
There were many more things, but you get the picture. She ended by saying,
“Why would I bother with any of that if I didn’t love him?!”
It’s a fair point.
Then, I asked her to consider his daily behavior. Is it possible that some of the little things she was doing have different but matching efforts on his part?
Long story short, yes.
The above is an example of two people who express love for each other in different ways and because it’s not overt, they’re both missing the other’s expressions. Result – discontent, misunderstanding, and resentment.
The ways in which people express love are as diverse as people themselves. There are some unique couples who can intuitively read each other’s signs and know how to best show one another how they feel.
For the rest of us, to really be successful in experiencing and expressing love, the following are required:
- Understand how YOU show love. This requires introspection and thought.
- Understand how YOUR PARTNER shows love. This requires observation and conversation.
- Understand how your partner would like to receive and experience love. This requires conversation and action.
- Understand how you’d like to receive and experience love. This requires introspection and conversation.
And lastly, be patient. Love between you and your partner may always be there, but it changes and evolves with time and circumstances, so you may just have to look for it in new places and ways.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
