Including Yourself in Love

I used to think I should project love in front of me, from my heart. Then I realized I actually needed to send it from my heart through my back and wrap it around, including myself in the process.

In working with narcissistic abuse targets, I see again and again how kind, considerate and compassionate these folks tend to be. Talk about turning the other cheek — I hear so many stories of wanting to be fair and loving, no matter what the toxic person has done or said. I think there are at least three interrelated reasons why:

ONE: Targets often have what Sandra Brown calls “Super Traits” of enhanced empathy, loyalty, compassion and kindness. (See my separate post on this topic for more on Super Traits.) Being unkind, malevolent or even feeling they are giving up on someone is antithetical to who they are.

TWO: Targets are trying to honor their own values, no matter how they are treated. They don’t want to have this difficult, taxing person make them into something smaller and less than who they are at their core.

THREE: The complex (and sometimes difficult to understand) impact of the trauma bond that narcissistic abuse tends to create through tactics like gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement, “bread crumbing,” and other mind-f***ery.

So is the answer to be less loving and kind? I haven’t seen this as a way forward that resonates with the people I know. We can’t throw away our values without losing part of ourselves, and if we do indeed have “Super Traits,” we probably can’t get rid of them even if we try.

Rather, I think the way forward is to ask ourselves whether the kindness, compassion and loyalty includes ourselves as well. And generally, for targets of narcissistic abuse, it doesn’t. The love tends to go forward, towards others in our lives. But as I mention in the quote above, we need to remember to include ourselves in this energy as well.

When we hold ourselves as part of the equation, and not just the toxic person, different decisions become important. We have to face what is loving and kind to us as well as them. And often this ends up pointing towards boundaries and moving on, because continually subjecting ourselves to unkindness, conflict and neglect, well, it’s not loving from this more holistic perspective.

—

This post was previously published on butnowiknowyourname.wordpress.com and is republished on Medium.

***

You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:

White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

—

Photo credit: iStock