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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
What Is the “No Contact” Rule?
In a breakup, especially when we have lost someone we love and wanted a future with, our instincts can work against us. They can make us chase that person, text them, call them—do anything we can to keep them in our lives. However, these actions weaken us at precisely the time we need to stay strong and emotionally healthy. Enter the no contact rule.
The no contact rule is essentially a period during which we decide that having no contact with our ex is the best choice. This has two positive effects:
1. Recovery Opportunity: It gives us a chance to recover without constantly reopening the wound through communication.
2. Recognition of Loss: It can make the other person realize what they’ve lost. If someone is in regular contact with us, they’ll never truly feel the impact of the breakup that they instigated.
How Long Should “No Contact” Last?
You may be wondering how long you should adhere to the no contact rule. I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule, nor should you trust someone who claims to have the exact duration you should follow. As a recommendation, consider a clear month after the breakup of no contact as a solid approach.
Now, based on nearly two decades of coaching in this area, I know there will be moments when it gets confusing, and you may not know what to do. Therefore, I want to outline when it’s acceptable to break the no contact rule and when it’s not.
Before we delve into these scenarios, if this video resonates with you, it’s likely that you’re experiencing heartbreak right now. I want to let you know that this video is part of a much larger masterclass I’m conducting live this coming Tuesday called “How to Heal from Heartbreak.” It’s free, and I will be providing my insights and assistance. This event is a fantastic opportunity to deepen the progress you’ll achieve from this video. You can sign up for free at lliftrining.com; it will take just 10 seconds, and I’ll send you an email link to join us. The event starts at 11:00 a.m. Pacific Time, so make some time in your diary. I hope to see you there!
Scenario #1: What If It’s Their Birthday?
Scenario number one: should you break the no contact rule when it’s their birthday? If their birthday is approaching and you’re asking yourself whether to text them, the answer is no.
If someone broke up with you, what right do they have to receive a birthday text from you? You might feel a sense of guilt, but remember, you’re not the only person capable of sending them a birthday message. Ask yourself why you want to reach out. Is it genuinely because it’s their birthday, or is it an excuse to break the no contact rule?
Remember: they need to feel the loss of you to realize what they’ve lost. If you’re constantly reaching out on special occasions, they won’t truly experience that loss and become aware of the significance of the relationship.
Scenario #2: What If They’re Going Through a Hard Time?
Scenario number two: should you break the no contact rule during tragedy or hard times?
If you dated someone briefly who later declared they were not ready for a relationship, you don’t owe them a consolation message. Their misfortune is not your responsibility.
However, if you were in a significant, loving relationship, and something tragic happens to them, then it’s reasonable to reach out and express your condolences. You don’t have to compromise your standards for kindness, especially in impactful situations.
But if you’re in emotional turmoil and contemplate reaching out, evaluate whether it’s truly a good move for your mental health. Will this person genuinely provide the support you need? Is reinitiating contact likely to reopen old wounds? One of the most beautiful aspects of difficult times is finding new support systems that show up for us. If you continually reach back to someone from your past, you limit your opportunity to find fresh sources of support.
Scenario #3: What If You Learn That They Miss You?
Scenario number three: should you break the no contact rule if you hear they miss you?
Imagine you’re chatting with a mutual friend, and they mention that your ex isn’t doing well without you. This information can affect your judgment. You might feel compelled to reach out, thinking that they are just scared to contact you themselves.
However, this thought process can skew your understanding of the situation. It is crucial to consider how your ex is behaving. Are they reaching out? If not, then you must reject hearsay.
In a courtroom, hearsay has no weight. When a friend says they miss you, respond to that claim with skepticism. You need to focus on what your ex does; if there’s no action from them, there’s no reason for you to act.
Scenario #4: What If You Bump Into Them?
Scenario number four: should you break the no contact rule when you unexpectedly bump into your ex?
This is a challenging situation. You might find your heart racing, and when you leave, you could feel confused and hurt. If they haven’t reached out to you since the breakup, you shouldn’t initiate contact.
If they do reach out after the encounter and say they miss you or want to see you again, you can respond without ghosting them. You can express that you miss them too; however, it’s vital to clarify your stance: “I miss you, but nothing has changed.”
By doing so, you stay authentic and uphold your boundaries. This response sends a clear message that, while you may miss them, you won’t compromise your standards or self-respect.
Scenario #5: What If “No Contact” Is Impossible?
Scenario number five: what to do if no contact is impossible?
Perhaps you share children with this person or have essential matters related to a divorce, house sale, or business closure. In such cases, accept that some contact is necessary for practical reasons.
The key is to limit communication to the essentials. When arranging pickups or drop-offs, keep the conversations brief and focused solely on the logistics. There’s no need for small talk.
Continue to be pleasant and kind, but emphasize that you’re focusing on expanding your life outside of your interactions with them. Additionally, communicate to friends and family that you would prefer to avoid discussing your ex. You’re navigating only the necessary dealings with them, and you’re committed to growing your life independently.
Scenario #6: What If They Reach Out to You?
Scenario number six: can you break the no contact rule when they reach out?
This is a common dilemma. When someone texts you, it feels wonderful to know they’re thinking of you. However, remember that just because they say “I miss you” doesn’t mean they’ve changed their mind about the relationship.
If they reach out, you can reply, “I miss you too, but nothing has changed.” If they persist in contacting you after that, it’s essential to get a bit assertive because now it seems they are disregarding your boundaries.
Their actions show a lack of respect for your mental health if they continue to reach out despite your clear stance. Let this anger empower you to recognize that they are not prioritizing your well-being.
Scenario #7: What If You Believe You’re Meant to Be Together?
Scenario number seven: should you break the no contact rule when you believe deeply that this person is meant for you?
If you feel certain that they don’t realize what they’re losing and that it’s crucial to express this, you can break the no contact rule. However, it’s vital that this is done from a place of strength, not weakness.
You cannot call someone every day for a week post-breakup and expect your message of love to have an impact. The meaningful contrast comes from them genuinely feeling the absence of you. Thus, there must be a period of genuine no contact first.
When you do reach out, it should be an assertion of your feelings rather than an act of desperation. You can express something like this:
“Hey, you made this decision, and I’ve done a lot of thinking. I can move on, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t tell you how extraordinary our connection is. I believe breaking up is a mistake, but that’s true only if you feel the same way. If you don’t, then I will begin to move on after this call.”
By delivering this message, you will achieve a sense of closure and prove to yourself that you said what you truly feel—without appearing weak.
Don’t Miss This Free Training
If this video has provided you with valuable insights that you haven’t encountered elsewhere, I have two things I’d like you to do. First, leave a comment to let me know your thoughts—what resonated most with you? Second, visit lliftrining.com to sign up for my event on Tuesday, which promises to be a powerful training for anyone experiencing heartbreak.
Share the link with your friends and family who may be in despair, whether they’re navigating a fresh heartbreak or still struggling with one from years past. I assure you, this masterclass holds something for everyone. Thank you for watching this video, and I look forward to seeing you on Tuesday!
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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