Using My Words

“Use your words, Michael.” This was a phrase my sister jokingly started saying to me when we were in high school. I never thought it would have had such a lasting impression on me.

The Oxford Dictionary defines an introvert as “a shy or reticent person,” with reticent meaning, “not revealing one’s thoughts or feelings readily.”

I’ve always related to these definitions. I love my alone time, I’m definitely shy, and it takes me a while to open up to people. And for a long time, I saw my quiet nature as a flaw — something to fix. In a world that seems to reward extroversion — the loudest voice, the quickest response — I struggled to see the value in staying quiet, observing, and thinking before speaking. In spite of the fact that I was most comfortable doing just that.

So, I spent years comparing myself to extroverts, convinced that being outgoing was the only path to success and happiness. But over time, I’ve realized that my introversion isn’t a flaw; it’s just part of who I am. That there is value in listening, in pausing, and in embracing the silence. And while it may not feel like it, the world needs both.

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I’ve always had a tendency to pause mid-conversation to process my thoughts before responding. It’s something I have done for as long as I can remember, regardless of how comfortable I am in a situation. These pauses aren’t about uncertainty, or a lack of things to say — they’re about wanting to communicate thoughtfully and intentionally. But I know they affect people, both positively and negatively — and I understand why. We’ve been conditioned to expect conversations to be quick, reciprocal affairs — both parties exchanging their thoughts continuously. So, it makes sense that random bouts of silence mid-conversation can be unnerving, or can make me appear inattentive, preoccupied or distracted.

That said, I’ve been fortunate to have people in my life that have accepted this part of me — this “flaw.” Growing up, my sister would jokingly remind me to use my words. I had a group of childhood friends that would make a game of it — how long would I pause? Side note: when people are timing you, the pauses last a lot longer. And even today, my coworkers almost seem to enjoy it.

In spite of this, I’ve often struggled with my own perception of it — questioning my ability (or inability) to communicate effectively. For a long time, I leaned into the idea that maybe I just wasn’t that good at communicating. I approached most conversations — especially with people I didn’t know well — with a sense of inadequacy. I convinced myself that pauses in conversation were failures and judged myself harshly for them.

This may sound cliche, but my whole life has kind of felt like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, at least socially. Because of this, I’ve spent years trying to fix myself — to change how I interacted with others and become more extroverted. In essence, to change parts of myself to accommodate those around me. But the more I did that, the more exhausted I became. And no matter how much I tried to change, my self-confidence — or lack thereof — stayed the same.

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Over the past couple of years, I’ve begun to truly accept my introverted tendencies. Instead of seeing myself as somehow lacking, I started to become more proactive, asking myself how I best operate and what I need to be my best self. In doing that, I quickly realized that I would never thrive trying to be something I’m not. And that trying to adjust my behaviors for the sake of making others feel more comfortable was only ever going to make things harder for me.

And don’t get me wrong, I believe that socializing is important — that it’s a critical part of our existence has human beings. I sometimes joke that I would thrive on the show Alone — not because I have the skills to survive, but because I genuinely enjoy being by myself. But at the same time, I recognize that I need social interaction, even if it’s often exhausting. It really does help feed the soul.

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Looking back, I’ve recognized a few key experiences that helped me come to terms with my social insecurities. These helped me realize my value and directly contributed to the shift in my mindset:

My wife has been my biggest advocate. It’s funny because we have very different communication needs, but learning to navigate our differences has taught me to accept myself as I am.
Starting a new job a few years ago was also a turning point. I went from freelancing — where I had ample alone time and control over my schedule — to working full-time in an office surrounded by unfamiliar faces. Throwing myself into that environment was challenging as an introvert, but facing my social insecurities day in and day out was invaluable. And moving up within the company despite my perceived communication flaws has been a powerful reminder that I do have value.
Perhaps the most significant shift came when I quit drinking. I talk about it more here, but alcohol has always been my coping mechanism for social anxiety — a way to feel more comfortable in conversations. In fact, I was convinced that it made me a better communicator — that it was “fixing” me. In reality, it was just a mask, and removing it forced me to confront my insecurities head-on. And as it turns out, everything was okay.

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In learning to accept myself for who I am and embracing my more introverted communication styles, over time, I’ve found a few strategies that have helped make social situations easier:

Vocalize my thought process: This has become my number one. I can understand why people might get uncomfortable when a random pause happens mid-conversation, so sharing why I’m pausing helps others understand my communication style. I’ve found that a simple, “I’m thinking about how to best phrase my thoughts,” is an easy way to let people know that you’re still engaged.
Ask questions: This is a technique my dad shared with me very early on in life, and I’ve learned to recognize its value. I understand that I struggle in responding quickly during conversations, especially if I’m asked something directly. So, becoming the person that asks the questions has been really helpful. It shifts the focus off of me, allows me to warm up in the conversation, and helps build genuine connections.
Figure out how to recharge: As an introvert in an extrovert’s world, I understand that I will get exhausted and need to recharge. It’s not an if, but when. And life can be chaotic, so building recharge time into my day to day has been critical to my well-being; in my ability to be present for myself and those around me. I’ve found that exercise, specifically running, has become my go-to way of re-charging. It’s an easy way to get some alone time, while really helping me center myself and clear my mind.

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It’s been a long journey learning to accept my introversion. In recognizing the strengths that come with it — like listening deeply, thinking critically, and forming meaningful connections, I’ve been able to understand that thriving doesn’t have to mean being outgoing, always being heard, or even holding “perfect” conversations. That there is value in silence — in actively listening.

I think the truth is that the world needs both introverts and extroverts — those who lead the conversation and those who listen carefully. By embracing who I am, I’ve found a kind of peace and confidence that I never had when I was trying to force myself to be someone I was not. I’ve learned that the goal isn’t to change who we are but to appreciate it, to lean into our strengths instead of hiding them.

And I know that I’m not alone. So, for anyone who’s ever felt out of place for being quieter, more reserved, or just needing more alone time, I hope this is a reminder that there is strength in that quiet. That we each have value — not despite our differences, but because of them.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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