As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I have applied the infamous “no contact” rule to many relationships many times. Sometimes it was planned. Other times it was a last-minute plug pull to save my sanity — and even my life.
Through trial and error, I’ve found that the following three steps guaranteed me the most success in staying unreachable and dissuading me from reaching out in moments of weakness.
1) I Change My Phone Number
My last relationship ended very traumatically. My ex put a used condom in my bed and tried to pretend he “found” it there — and then left with the gifts I had bought him for his birthday. I didn’t speak to him for two days after this and when I finally did reach out to speak it was to break up with him.
Our last few text messages to one another took place on Telegram, which not only uses your number but also has a phone feature.
(At that time in my life, I used Telegram for messaging instead of my phone because I like the format easier to utilize.)
The thing was I had already changed my phone number and replaced it with my mom’s number. This was hidden from him because I changed the settings to make sure the number wasn’t visible, before opting to create a username, instead of any contact information.
Because I was already using Telegram he never realized the number had been changed, while we were still in contact.
When it comes to abusive personality types, I often send one last text before blocking the person to avoid any more trauma as I prepare to change my phone number. But in this case, there was one more step.
I had to delete my Telegram.
In this last conversation, I aired out all the dirty details of his cheating that he didn’t know I knew about. I unmasked him and he flew into a rage and told me that he wanted me to consider him dead to me. I said “Alright.”
He deleted the conversation for both of us, to erase the evidence of his cheating being exposed. When I checked again, he was typing something new in what would become a new chat. I never found out what it was because I blocked him before he could send it.
In the meantime, I already had another tab open where I was completing the process of deleting my Telegram — and disappearing entirely. Once it was deleted, that was it. He has never heard from me again.
(He has hoovered my mom to get to me many times but has never laid eyes on me again or been able to get a hold of me.)
The same rule applies to email accounts too (or whatever outlets are primarily used to contact you).
Any and every email account a narcissist could ever reach me on was deleted after a new one was made, to transfer any and all of my accounts over to. The only exception was my college campus email.
As I stated earlier I went to the IT department and had emails sent there blocked and the settings were effectively changed to where any and all emails were bounced right back to the narcissist.
If they made or used another account to reach out to me, this process was rinsed and repeated. Whatever it took because when I’m done, I’m done. When I’m gone, I’m gone.
Gone without a trace.
2) I Delete My Social Media Accounts
The internet is not your friend when you’re going ‘no-contact’ because it is way too easy to have a “moment of weakness” that results in you stalking your ex-narc online.
Either to see if they’re
- missing you
- regretting what they did
- taken down your pictures
- talking to someone new (yet)
- moving on completely
- (insert your own excuse)
I’ve been there and it has never been worth it so, I cut out the middleman and shut it all down.
- Tumblr (this was once my personal addiction)
It was nothing to me because I have never been fond of social media. It has never really brought me genuine happiness or any real sense of self-worth.
Plus, I grew up in the 90s and can remember (vividly) life before all this technology so I have an aversion to how virtual everything is. I’ve actually utilized these ‘no-contacts’ as the perfect excuse to go as far off the grid as I could go. I allowed myself the chance to purge with no distractions.
Sometimes I would ditch my phones altogether, for months at a time. In my last relationship, we broke up in November 2020. I didn’t have a phone until July 2021, and I loved it because even though all that silence was excruciating at first, it was peaceful in the end.
Letting go of a narcissist is very similar to getting clean from drugs
And I’ve done both.
Let me tell you, the first week of both is the hardest to survive, but once you do it gets better and it slowly starts to become easier. Take your 24 hours, one hour at a time.
Be patient with your process and take it easy on yourself; it takes time to beat an addiction and refraining from your narcissist of choice is vital. And, if you’re like me, getting offline (and away from all roads that lead to temptation) is just what you’ll need to do to make sure you’re healing.
Do it if you can because it will be worth your mental safety and emotional regulation. The internet will always be there when you get back.
Prioritize yourself in this particular process because I’m speaking from experience when I tell you, it is the only way you will survive the heartache of being discarded or having to discard your favorite narcissist.
Speaking of discard…
3) I Throw Everything (Yes, Everything) Out
When I say everything, I mean anything that was accumulated throughout the relationship.
- cards
- clothes
- jewelry (yes, even the diamonds have to go)
- stuffed animals
- pictures/videos
- even the connections associated with them (no flying monkeys allowed)
Everything must go.
A clean sweep is always done once I throw a narcissist out of my life. It’s the way it has to be when you’re serious about your healing and as hard as it is to do at the beginning of the breakup this is when it is the most vital for you to do it so that your grieving process can begin, safely.
Throwing everything associated with your abuser out lessens the number of variables that will stunt you throughout the healing process. It’s one less weight to add to the burden of having to heal from the series of traumas the relationship in and of itself provided.
If I’m throwing a toxic person out of my life, I don’t need anything associated with their toxicity in my element. I don’t need memorabilia to help me mourn or make the grieving process any harder than it has to be.
So I remove it.
(Be very careful about going back to a narcissist, or taking them back, once you do this because I’ve learned from experience that this particular step causes a severe narcissistic injury because of how easily it seems you “got over”/”got rid of” them. This will always end in a brutal retaliation so once you do this you may as well stay gone. Please take this from me.)
Sometimes Taking Extreme Measures is Necessary
The sooner you cut all ties with a narcissist, the sooner you start healing — and only then. — Linda
As extreme as all of these measures may seem, they were necessary. I have treated every ‘no contact’ like a witness protection program because in a sense they are similar.
The most dangerous individual to my mental and emotional (and sometimes, physical) safety has been the narcissist. Some narcissists made me feel the strongest sense of danger just by seeing them.
Some were so damn toxic that one simple conversation could leave you on the brink of either wanting to kill yourself — or them. These were individuals I had to get away from at all costs, right away.
The main reason I’m so extreme in my discard is because when I first started going ‘no-contact’ it was when I wasn’t actually ready to leave my narcissists.
In one case, I was beaten badly and then found out that particular ex was still cheating on me with his ex so I changed my number the next morning and had his emails blocked by my college campus, as soon as possible.
In another case, I was very much still in love and at the height of confusion but the emotional turmoil was too much so I left a letter, and by the time I knew they’d see it I was long gone, and nowhere to be found. I leave no traces.
Yes, it was hard and I was aching for my narcissistic fix but enough was enough and I knew if I didn’t move in haste, things would have only gotten worse. To be very honest with you, from one survivor to another, these ‘no contacts’ were rash decisions made on leaps of faith.
But I took those plunges and because of how well these escapes were executed, and because I never went back, I continued landing on my feet.
And I sincerely hope you do too.
© Linda Sharp 2025. All Rights Reserved.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
Love relationships? We promise to have a good one with your inbox.
Subcribe to get 3x weekly dating and relationship advice.
Did you know? We have 8 publications on Medium. Join us there!
***
—–
Photo credit: Aykut Eke on Unsplash
