The #1 Shift That Changed Everything in My Divorce Recovery

Who knew that getting divorced would require so many years of soul searching?

Lately, I’ve been hearing from people who’ve been divorced for years—five, ten, even more—and still feel stuck. Still unsure about the future. Still tangled in the emotional aftermath.

I can absolutely relate to them.

I was still looking back on my marriage five years after we’d separated—even when I was in a new relationship!

Divorce really is the gift that keeps on giving.

So then, the million-dollar question is: why the hell is it so hard to truly let go and move on, even when we know we don’t want to be back in the marriage?

The Mindset Shift That Changed Everything For Me

Today, I want to share with you the number one shift in my mindset that finally helped me stop spinning my wheels and start the process of releasing the ghosts of my married life.

I finally realised I was waiting for my old self to come back.

Untangling Ourselves from the Past

The thing about divorce is that so much of our lives are tied up in it. It’s hard to know where the divorce stops and we start.

So when the inevitable challenges and shitstorms that life throws at us come along years later, we get caught up thinking that it’s all about the divorce—when really, it’s about our personal growth and other major life transitions that happen to anyone, whether married or not.

Life Before Divorce Looked Very Different

When I was married, I was a hell of a lot more social than I am now.

My kids were little, I was always doing something kid-related—going to the bowling alley, the trampoline park, the sports field, birthday parties, BBQs, school events.

Physically, I was a lot fitter and stronger. I enjoyed training for half marathons, working out at the gym, and playing team sports. These pastimes also came with a built-in social life.

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The Gradual Shift After Divorce

As time went on, post-divorce, things were changing around me. My kids were getting older, my body was getting older. It was all so gradual that I barely noticed it.

It’s amazing how the hustle of life can keep you from looking up.

My marriage ended eleven years ago this year. A lot of time has passed, and today, I’m looking through the windscreen instead of the rear-view mirror.

But five years after my divorce, it was a different story.

Grieving More Than One Loss

When my post-divorce relationship ended in 2020, I was plunged back into grief. It was around the same time that the pandemic sent the whole world into a spiral.

I had to get over the loss of that partner while also going ‘back’ emotionally to grieve some parts of my divorce.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was using my new relationship to mask a lot of the pain I wasn’t able to face after my marriage ended.

Feeling Stuck and Hopeless

Sitting there in the uncertainty and sadness once again, I felt completely disillusioned with the way my life was panning out.

Where was the better life I was meant to be having now that I was out of an unhappy marriage?

I was in a depression and feeling pretty hopeless—until I realized what I was subconsciously waiting for.

I was waiting for my younger self to walk through the door again.

Accepting What Is, and What’s Gone

I had to step back and really look at what had evolved around me. My kids were teenagers now, doing their own thing. That chapter of being a busy, young, social parent—it was over.

I didn’t want to push my body with intense workouts or team sports anymore. It just wasn’t feeling enjoyable.

Work wasn’t lighting me up either. I was feeling uninspired, bored and needing a new challenge—I wanted to realize my dream of building my own business and having more freedom and flexibility.

The things that used to give me a sense of purpose just… didn’t anymore. And that left a huge gap. One that I didn’t know how to fill. So my brain kept taking me back to ‘the old days’ when life felt secure.

But accepting all of that—really accepting that my old life was gone—was the turning point. That was the moment something shifted. It was the catalyst that helped me stop spinning my wheels and finally start moving forward. (Hallelujah!)

You’re Not Alone If You Still Feel Lost

It might sound strange to admit that I still felt lost years after my marriage ended—but that was my truth. And I’ve since learned it’s the reality for so many others, too.

There’s this quiet shock that sets in when time passes and you realise you’re still floundering, still unsure of who you are or what life is supposed to look like now.

You might be in a new relationship, surrounded by people who care about you, even checking all the boxes on paper—and still feel completely unmoored inside.

That lingering sense of internal disconnection catches a lot of people off guard. We’re told that time heals everything, or that a new relationship means we’ve finally moved on.

But time doesn’t magically rewire our brains to let go of the old versions of ourselves that still feel so much like a part of us today.

Time to Reflect on Who You Are Now

If you’re resonating with any of the above, here’s something you can do to check in with yourself and see if you are still holding on.

Think about who you are today compared to who you were in those last few years of your marriage. I mean, really think about it.

What’s changed in your life since then?

Your friendships? Your job? How old your kids are? Your family situation? Where you live? How much older is your body?

All of those things add to the sense of disorientation you’ve been feeling. It makes sense if you’ve been struggling to find your footing.

And what about the changes inside you?

Your beliefs about life and love? Your values and non-negotiables? Your priorities? Your new goals?

What do you truly want now—for the life that’s still ahead of you?

(And no matter how old you are, there is a LOT of life still ahead of you, trust me!)

Are you standing in your own way of bringing it all to life by looking back and holding on?

These Questions Matter

I know these sound like big, existential questions—and that’s because they are.

But they’re necessary if you want to get the ball rolling and feel like life is worth showing up for after divorce.

There’s so much more to healing and moving on than just waiting around for time to finally make us feel better and give us a magic permission slip to let go of what was.

And as scary as that thought is at times, it’s also pretty damn exciting if you allow it to be.

Your Life, Your Choice.

So—who do you want to be now? What do you want to experience next?

You get to decide. No one else.

Stop holding out for the old version of you to come back. That chapter is done.

You only get one life—don’t waste it pining for a version of you that no longer fits or even exists!

I stayed stuck in the past for way too long, waiting for things to feel familiar again. It didn’t work. But once I let go, everything started to shift.

Learn from my mistakes. Back the person you’ve become today, and start looking ahead to the person you are and are still becoming, not the person you used to be.

💛 Ready to Start Healing?

If you’re feeling lost, stuck, or unsure how to move forward after your divorce, my Divorce Recovery Mini Course was created for you. In just six self-paced modules — each with its own workbook — you’ll gain the clarity, strength, and support you need to rebuild your life from the inside out.

👉 Click here to learn more and enrol now.

You don’t have to do this alone — I’ll walk with you every step of the way.

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This post was previously published on Carol Madden Coaching.

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