If you’re from my generation, chances are you’ve crossed paths with an avoidant and if you ever fell for one, I genuinely feel for you and wish I could say I was immune.
I spent months chasing someone who didn’t want to be caught. And I’m done.
Someone who builds emotional walls faster than you can climb them. It’s like running after a train that never slows down. You’re breathless, hopeful, and convinced that if you just try harder, you’ll catch it. I was that person, pouring my heart into someone who left me feeling invisible.
An avoidant.
What Is an Avoidant and Why Are They So Hard to Reach?
So, what’s an avoidant, and why are they so consuming? An avoidant is someone who shies away from emotional closeness and intimacy, usually out of fear-fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, fear of not being enough.
It sounds awful, right? Like, why would anyone willingly get close to someone like that?
We chase avoidants because we mistake their distance for depth, or we convince ourselves we can “fix” them. Their independence and emotional unavailability become this weird, magnetic challenge.
Its a paradox, the more they push you away, the more you want to get closer. And if you try to pull back, they toss you just enough breadcrumbs, a like here, a late-night text there, to keep you believing you’ve finally broken through. But all they’ve really done is crack open a window, only to slam it shut in your face later.
How Dating an Avoidant Revealed Their Selfish Side
I met this guy through friends. At first, he was just another face in the crowd. But while everyone else was talking and laughing, he mostly listened. Not bored, just quiet, observant. And that’s when I got curious.
We barely spoke that night, maybe exchanged a few words, but he lingered in my mind. The next day, the usual Instagram follow happened. I followed him back, no hesitation, and waited for him to make the first move. But of course, if he’s shy, he won’t text out of nowhere, right? So I started posting, hoping he’d find a reason to reach out. All I got were a few likes, no messages.
That’s when the game began. Why follow me if you don’t want to know me? I couldn’t handle it, so I caved and messaged him first.
He replied, and suddenly we were talking every day. But I notice while he was getting to know me, I realized I knew almost nothing about him.
Naturally, I made it my mission to break through. Maybe if he got to know me, he’d like me enough to open up.
I dropped hints for him to ask me out, but he never took them. So, I swallowed my pride and suggested we grab dinner and see a movie. To my surprise, he said yes.
That night was magic. He was funny, engaged, and we talked for hours over diner. I thought, “This is it. This is the real him.” We started going out more, eventually dating. But as things got serious, the rollercoaster began.
Every time I tried to talk about something important, he’d listen but never really engage. Even when it was about our relationship, he’d just agree with whatever I said, like he was trying to keep me from digging any deeper.
You’d think that would be a red flag, but avoidants are masters at making you feel like you’re making progress, even when you’re not.
I remember one night, out of nowhere, he opened up, told me how he felt about me, about his job, about missing his friends. I was stunned. I thought, “Wow, I did it. I broke through.” The next day, he acted like it never happened.
At first, I told myself maybe he was just embarrassed-that it was a one-time thing, a rare crack in his armor. But those fleeting moments only showed up once every couple of months.
Just enough to keep me hooked, just enough to make me believe the ice was finally melting. We seemed close, but every so often, he’d shut me out again.
Some days, I told myself, Maybe this is just his way. Maybe he needs space to recharge, to feel safe. And I tried to honor that, to give him the room he needed.
But then the other voice crept in, louder and harder to ignore: What about me? Why was I always the one bending, always the one reaching out? Why couldn’t he meet me halfway?
That’s exactly why I’ll never date an avoidant again-they’re selfish in the most exhausting way.
I respected his need for distance, but he never seemed to understand that sometimes, I needed closeness too. And that imbalance? It slowly wore me down.
Their Needs Always Take Center Stage-Yours Are Left Waiting
Eventually, I reached my breaking point, I was drained from the emotional rollercoaster, but I cared enough about him to hope we could fix things. The day we were supposed to have that conversation, he never showed up. He didn’t answer my texts, and I never heard from him again.
No warning, no goodbye, no explanation. He didn’t even have the courage to end things properly.
While he got to walk away free and unburdened, I was left alone with a whirlwind of unanswered questions and raw feelings.
Chasing an avoidant meant losing sight of my own needs. I was constantly torn between giving him space and hurting myself in the process.
I’d tiptoe around his moods, afraid to push too hard. I’d wait for him to be ready to talk, even when I was bursting with things to say. I was so focused on reaching him that I forgot what I needed to be seen, to be met halfway
No matter how many times I asked for a real conversation, he just couldn’t do it. I ended up feeling for both of us.
That’s when I realized I could never find peace with someone whose love ran hot and cold, someone who couldn’t meet me halfway.
The Relief of Leaving an Avoidant Behind
At first, I was angry. How could he just vanish? I’d given him space, patience, everything I had. But then I felt something else: relief.
For the first time in months, I could breathe. I wasn’t chasing anymore. I wasn’t begging for scraps of attention. I wasn’t trying to fix someone who didn’t want to be fixed.
Society loves to romanticize the chase. Movies, series and books tell us that emotionally distant people are puzzles to solve. We’re fed this idea that if you love someone enough, you can “fix” them, melt their walls, and uncover the real them.
It’s a narrative that hooks people like me, empaths, anxious attached, or anyone who believes love means effort. We see their distance as a challenge, their breadcrumbs of affection as proof we’re getting closer.
I’d been chasing him because I thought his walls made him special, that cracking them would prove my worth. But my worth isn’t tied to someone else’s ability to open up. And neither is yours.
I’m not saying avoidants are bad people. They’re wired the way they are, often because of fear or past pain. But their healing isn’t your job. You can’t love someone into vulnerability, and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your peace to try.
Been an avoidant isn’t a enough treat to make a person scarifies themself. You cannot chase what doesn’t want to be caught.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Doğukan Ata Öksüzoğlu On Unsplash
This really spoke to me. I was dealing with a man like this since last fall. Unofficially seeing him, but he disappeared and came back twice – at his convenience. It ate away at me a little more each time. I finally grew the backbone to tell him I wasn’t doing this anymore and blocked him. Your post helped me confirm that I did the right thing for myself. Thank you.