This Communication Skill Can Transform Your Life!

Do you want to Change People? First, Make Them Feel Understood

What’s one skill that people could use in the real world to help them transform their lives?

Validation.

Not just a word, but a set of trained, clinical communication skills designed to help another person feel accepted, seen, and heard.

And yet, most people don’t learn it until they hit a crisis, or become therapists.

I was well into my PhD in psychology when I was introduced to validation techniques used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) — a treatment for people struggling with intense emotions, self-harm, or suicidal ideation.

And the first thing I thought was:

“Why didn’t we learn this in grade school?”

1. Validation Builds Trust — Even With People in Crisis

As therapists, we’re trained in this exact method.

Because if you don’t validate a patient, they won’t believe you, trust you, or take action on what you say. They’ll feel unheard, unseen — like no one understands them, not even their therapist.

And when someone doesn’t feel seen, they don’t change.

2. People Don’t Change Without Feeling Accepted First

Prior to DBT, therapy was all about change:

• Change your thoughts
• Change your behavior.

But that only works if someone is ready to change.

If you’ve ever tried parenting a teen or being in a strained relationship, you know: that sometimes people resist change unless they feel deeply understood first.

3. You Can Validate Feelings Without Agreeing with Beliefs

Working with people who believe things you don’t — like clients with schizophrenia or suicidal ideation — means learning how to separate validation from agreement.

You don’t have to validate the belief (“You’re trying to kill me”).

But you can validate the emotion (“You feel afraid, and that fear makes sense given what you’re experiencing”).

4. Validation Has a Step-by-Step Ladder

There’s a model we use called the Validation Ladder, with 8 core skills.

Even the lowest rung — mindful engagement — goes a long way.

But you have to listen without judgment. Do not listen to reply. Do not listen to the critique.

You listen like you care.

5. Play the Therapist’s Game: What’s Their Point? Why Do They Care?

Here’s the game I play in my head with every client:

“What’s their point?”
“Why do they care about it?”
“How can I express it even better than they just did?

This inner curiosity helps me pull out clarity and connection, even when I don’t fully agree with their view.

Great interviewers do this too. It’s a powerful tool.

6. When Someone’s Hurting Themselves with False Beliefs, Start with the Truth

What if the person you’re validating is saying something harmful, self-destructive, or false?

You still start with the valid part of their emotion.

Then pivot toward change.

“I get that you’re in pain. But let’s look at how this pattern may hurt the people around you, too.”

7. Copying Someone’s Body Language Builds Instant Connection

Yes, copying their posture or tone.

It sounds weird, but science shows:

• Copying increases tips for waiters by 25%.
• Reduces implicit bias.
• Makes people feel heard and safe.

We do it naturally when we like someone.
We stop doing it when we feel threatened.
But in conflict, copying reopens the connection.

8. Validate First. Then Change Comes Easier.

Validation doesn’t mean you’re giving up on helping someone shift.

It just means:

“I see you. I hear you. I get where you’re coming from.”

Once someone feels understood, they’re far more open to hearing a different perspective.

You can say:

“I see that you’re in pain. But if you respond this way every time someone misses a message, people might pull away. Is there a gentler way to express it?”

That’s when validation becomes transformation.

When People Are at Their Worst, This Still Works

If validation works with people who are suicidal, delusional, or stuck in deeply distorted beliefs…

Imagine what it can do in normal, everyday conflict:

• With your partner
• At work
• With your kids
• In sales
• In leadership

Validation is a communication superpower.
And it’s not soft — it’s smart.

Final Thought: If This Works with Crisis, It Works with Anyone

I’ve worked with people whose emotional world is chaotic, irrational, and extreme.

And these skills? They still work.

Because the truth is simple:

People won’t change unless they feel seen first.

Validate their world.
Then invite them into yours.

That’s how change begins.