[This post is part of a series on how to effectively self-coach yourself, focusing on your existential needs as well as your emotional and practical needs. To learn more about existential wellness coaching, please take a look at my new book published by Routledge and called Existential Wellness Coaching.]
In self-coaching, few questions are as foundational as this one: What truly matters to you? It sounds straightforward, even obvious. But when you sit with it seriously, it becomes complex, layered, and sometimes unsettling.
Most people carry a mixture of inherited values, socially reinforced priorities, and personally discovered commitments. Some of these align; others conflict. Some feel deeply authentic; others feel like obligations. Without examining them, it is easy to live by default—to follow values that were never consciously chosen.
Clarifying your values is not a luxury. It is a central task of self-coaching. Your values influence your decisions, shape your goals, guide your behavior, and ultimately determine how your life feels to you.
The Difference Between Stated and Lived Values
One of the first distinctions to make is between stated values and lived values.
Stated values are what you say matters to you. You might say that you value family, creativity, honesty, health, or freedom. These are often admirable and socially supported.
Lived values, however, are what your actions reveal. They are expressed in how you spend your time, where you direct your attention, and what you prioritize when choices arise.
For example, you may say you value creativity, but if you never make time for creative work, that value is not currently being lived. You may say you value relationships, but if you are consistently distracted or unavailable, the lived value may be different.
Self-coaching begins with honest observation:
- “How am I actually living?”
- “What do my choices suggest I value right now?”
This is not about self-criticism. It is about clarity.
Inherited Values vs. Chosen Values
Many of your values were shaped long before you consciously reflected on them. Family, culture, education, and early experiences all play a role. You may have internalized beliefs such as:
- “Success means achievement and recognition.”
- “Security is more important than risk.”
- “Putting others first is what makes you a good person.”
These values are not inherently wrong. But they may not fully align with who you are now or who you want to become.
Self-coaching invites you to examine:
- “Which of my values feel truly mine?”
- “Which feel inherited or imposed?”
- “Do I want to continue living by these values?”
This process can be both liberating and challenging. Letting go of inherited values may create space, but it can also create uncertainty. You are, in a sense, redefining the rules by which you live.
Values as Guides, Not Goals
It is helpful to distinguish between values and goals.
Goals are specific outcomes: finishing a project, earning a certain income, completing a marathon. They are measurable and often time-bound.
Values, by contrast, are ongoing directions. They are ways of being and priorities that can be expressed repeatedly. For example:
- A goal might be: “Write a book.”
- The underlying value might be: “speaking truth to power” or “telling rousing stories.”
Once the goal is achieved, it is complete. But the value remains. In self-coaching, values provide continuity. They guide your choices even as specific goals change.
A useful question is:
- “What value is this goal serving?”
This helps ensure that your goals are aligned with what truly matters to you, rather than being pursued for external reasons alone.
The Experience of Value Alignment
When your actions align with your values, there is often a sense of coherence. Life may still be challenging, but it feels meaningful. You experience a kind of inner agreement.
When there is misalignment, the experience is different. You may feel restless, dissatisfied, or disconnected. Even if things look successful from the outside, something feels off.
This is one reason why clarifying your values is so important. It provides a reference point for evaluating your life:
- “Does this choice reflect what matters to me?”
- “Am I living in a way that feels true?”
These questions do not always have simple answers. Trade-offs are often involved. But having a clear sense of your values helps you navigate those trade-offs more consciously.
Working with Conflicting Values
Another complexity is that values can conflict.
You might value both stability and adventure, both independence and connection, both achievement and rest. In different situations, these values may pull you in different directions.
For example:
- Taking a new job might support your value of growth but challenge your value of stability.
- Spending more time with family might support connection but limit your pursuit of professional goals.
There is no permanent solution to these conflicts. They are part of the human condition. Self-coaching involves learning to navigate them:
- “Which value feels most important in this situation?”
- “What am I willing to prioritize right now?”
- “How can I honor multiple values over time, even if not simultaneously?”
This approach recognizes that values are not a rigid hierarchy but a dynamic system.
Discovering Your Core Values
How do you identify what truly matters to you? There is no single method, but several approaches can help.
You might reflect on moments of meaning:
- “When have I felt most alive, engaged, or fulfilled?”
- “What was present in those moments?”
You might consider moments of frustration:
- “When have I felt upset or dissatisfied?”
- “What value might have been violated or neglected?”
You might also look at what you admire in others:
- “What qualities or actions do I respect?”
- “What does that reveal about my own values?”
Through these reflections, patterns begin to emerge. You may notice recurring themes—creativity, honesty, connection, learning, autonomy, contribution. These themes point toward your core values.
Bringing Values into Daily Life
Identifying your values is only the beginning. The real work is bringing them into your daily life. This involves translating abstract ideas into concrete actions.
For example:
- If you value health, what does that look like today? A walk, a balanced meal, adequate rest?
- If you value connection, how will you express that? A meaningful conversation, a message, attentive listening?
- If you value creativity, how will you engage it? Writing, drawing, problem-solving, imagining?
Self-coaching questions can support this process:
- “How can I live this value today, in a small but real way?”
- “What would it look like to act in alignment with this value right now?”
These questions keep values active rather than abstract.
Values and Identity
Your values are closely connected to your sense of identity. They answer not only “What matters to me?” but also “What kind of person am I trying to be?”
For example, if you value honesty, you are orienting yourself toward being a truthful person. If you value compassion, you are orienting yourself toward being a caring person.
This does not mean you will always live perfectly in alignment with your values. There will be inconsistencies. But your values provide direction. They are less about defining you once and for all and more about guiding your ongoing becoming.
Revisiting Your Values
Values are relatively stable, but they are not entirely fixed. As you grow and your life circumstances change, your understanding of what matters may evolve.
It is useful to revisit your values periodically:
- “Do these still feel true for me?”
- “Have new values emerged?”
- “Are there values I want to emphasize more strongly now?”
This keeps your self-coaching practice responsive to your current reality.
Living What Matters
Ultimately, the question “What truly matters to you?” is not answered once. It is answered repeatedly, through your choices. You answer it in how you spend your time. You answer it in what you say yes to and what you decline. You answer it in how you treat yourself and others.
Self-coaching helps you bring this question into awareness. It invites you to move from automatic living to intentional living. You may not always get it “right.” You may drift, lose clarity, or feel conflicted. But each time you return to the question, you have the opportunity to realign. And over time, that alignment—imperfect but genuine—creates a life that feels more coherent, more meaningful, and more truly your own.
Dr. Eric Maisel introduces existential wellness coaching as a holistic approach that recognizes how physical and psychological well-being are intrinsically connected to our sense of purpose, meaning, and authenticity. Grounded in concepts from existential philosophy, this practical guide helps coaches, therapists, and other mental health practitioners deepen their work with clients to address existential challenges, and to help clients develop the resilience to maintain existential well-being in challenging times. Unlike traditional coaching that focuses solely on goals or conventional therapy that treats symptoms, existential wellness coaching empowers clients to confront life’s fundamental questions while developing concrete strategies for living with greater intention. Each chapter systematically addresses core existential concerns, including self-relationship, value identification, purpose creation, meaning-making, authenticity, and developing a personal life philosophy.
Offering new ways of thinking about common existential issues, this book contains tools that will help coaches enable their clients to make life-changing shifts and necessary mental reframes.
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