“It just happened.” It’s a lie that cheaters sometimes use when they get caught. The reality? It was planned because cheaters are incredibly calculated. Those sneaky texts, late-night work calls, or trips to drop by their mom’s house were well planned.
Cheating is a strategy. And if you’ve ever been cheated on, then you’re probably already aware of some of the mind games they play.
Here are 7 manipulation tactics cheaters use to keep you confused and second-guessing not only them and the relationship, but yourself, too.
1. Gaslighting
What it looks like:
If you’ve been cheated on, you know what I’m talking about.
“You’re being crazy.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re so paranoid.”
The manipulation tactic: Convincing you that you’re crazy, so they don’t get caught.
These aren’t just innocent accusations. The cheater doesn’t actually think you’re crazy, overreacting, or paranoid. The reality is that they know you’re onto them, so they gaslight you. They want you to question your own gut instincts, even when all the signs are there.
2. Playing Hot-and-Cold
What it looks like:
Pulling away from you when you start questioning their suspicious behavior, and coming back with gifts, grand gestures, compliments, or sex.
The manipulation tactic: Keeping you emotionally addicted to them.
Hot-and-cold behavior is a means to string you along. It confuses your nervous system, causing you to be addicted to the highs and distraught during the lows. You crave their attention during the lows and just want to go back to when things were “normal.”
The on-and-off behavior causes you to overanalyze, making you wonder if you’re the problem.
3. Blaming YOU For Their Behavior
What it looks like:
“You were always working. You had no time for me.”
“You never seemed interested in me.”
“You didn’t give me enough attention.”
The manipulation tactic: Making themselves seem like the victim so that you don’t blame them for cheating.
If the cheater can put enough blame onto you and convince you that you’re the one who caused them to have an affair, they know that you’ll feel guilty rather than angry.
4. Telling SOME of the Truth (But Omitting Most Of It)
What it looks like: “Yes, she and I DMed… but no physical lines were crossed.”
The manipulation tactic: Confessing just enough to make you believe they’re being honest, but not fully disclosing the entire truth.
The cheater gives you just a crumb of truth, just enough to convince you that they’re being honest. This will distract you from continuing to suspect they’re cheating. They appear to be honest, even though their betrayal is actually far worse than what they’re confessing to.
5. Overcompensating For Their Behavior
What it looks like:
Bringing home flowers, showering you with words of affirmation, taking you out for a fancy dinner or going on a vacation.
The manipulation tactic: Overcompensating to distract you from being suspicious.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by their overcompensation (which can feel a whole lot like love bombing), you’re less likely to think that something is off in the relationship. You’ll feel like things are perfect for a little while.
6. Accusing You of Cheating
What it looks like:
“Maybe you’re the one who’s hiding something.”
“Guilty people are the ones who are more suspicious.”
The manipulation tactic: You won’t be questioning their behavior if it means you have to prove your innocence.
The cheater will project their behavior onto you so that you can focus your attention on defending yourself rather than questioning them. They’ll make you feel like they’re the loyal one, while your innocence is in question.
7. Talking About the Future to Keep You Invested
What it looks like:
“We’re going to get married.”
“Next year, we’re going to my sister’s wedding.”
“I can’t wait until we have kids of our own.”
The manipulation tactic: Stringing you along with false promises of a future so you won’t suspect anything.
The cheater will dangle promises of a future so that you don’t leave them right now. It puts you on a pedestal and makes you think that you’re the only person they’re thinking about. The reality is, they just don’t want you to be suspicious of their behavior.
Don’t Play the Game
Once you begin to notice the patterns, a cheater’s playbook is very predictable. The best thing you can do is not play the game. Pay attention to your signs. More importantly, pay attention to your gut if it’s screaming that something is off.
If you feel confused or exhausted in the relationship, it might be time to reevaluate it. Whether they’re cheating or not, being unhappy and suspicious isn’t a way to live. It might be time to get out of the relationship and never look back.
You deserve the type of love that you can always trust, not the type that always has you waiting for the ball to drop.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Vitaly Gariev On Unsplash
