If love feels like chaos instead of peace, it’s not love — it’s self-destruction with a pretty label.
If your romantic relationship or marriage relationship isn’t producing peace, love, joy, and growth then pull up a chair and keep reading.
I’ve learned that the wrong relationship won’t just waste your time — it’ll cost you your peace, your purpose, and sometimes, yourself and even your self-worth.
If you’re not experiencing contentment and satisfaction on a daily basis, or if you’re not getting the love, devotion, and adoration that you deserve, then this is for you.
What does staying single mean? (Context + Quick story)
Prior to my single season, I was an okay’ish husband for 21 years.
And in some seasons, calling me okay would be a stretch.
That’s also not who I am anymore; my past, like yours, doesn’t define you or me.
I’ve been single for the better part of five and a half years because I’ve chosen to – my decision was by design.
Now, I dated a bit over that 5.5 year period, but nothing that produced an engagement ring, wedding band, or marital contract.
I’ve stayed single because I was choosing myself.
I needed to heal rather than get into a relationship at the wrong time.
I wasn’t ready to receive love or give love – I was a young, immature boy who could shave, full of wounds, traumas, and unhealed pain.
My single-season taught me about self-exploration, triumphs, tragedies, and learning.
It meant staying single so I could eventually find someone who’s done massive healing work on themselves.
It meant becoming the kind of man that a good woman would not want to leave.
Someone who’s not into playing games.Someone who knows what they want. Someone with a purpose. Someone who’s willing to become the best, healthiest versions of themselves so that our values align. (easier said than done).
Staying single means doing so until being in a relationship feels as natural as breathing.
Seriously, if being in a relationship feels like a strenuous exercise, then it’s time for a break.
Staying single means you’re not giving out “How to Treat Me 101” lessons.
“Doing Relationships 101” shouldn’t mean having to teach your partner things like how abusive behavior isn’t okay, or that you shouldn’t keep in touch with an ex lover over text, Snapchat, or social media.
Staying single means taking time to get healthy so you can love someone in a mature, healthy way. It means you’ve done massive work for yourself and for them; it’s shadow work and a determination that moves mountains so that you can receive love and give it.
Staying single means becoming the person who doesn’t complain when moving from the couch to the kitchen to grab a snack.
It means becoming the person who doesn’t fill your heart with doubt, and who reminds you consistently how special you are through words and actions.
Staying single means finding someone who has a secure attachment style, who can be in a happy, secure relationship with you at least the majority of time. After all, we all have bad days and seasons, and no one is perfect all the time.
Staying single means becoming the person who makes Mondays fun, grocery shopping enjoyable, and who makes the most mundane moments feel like adventures. Like someone who’ll dance with you in the kitchen after a tough day, even if you have two left feet.
Staying single means finding someone who knows disagreements are just part of the package, but what you have is stronger than the occasional squabble.
Because if they value “winning” over you, it’s time to let them take their victory lap – alone and without you.
Staying single means finding someone who just makes sense, like your favorite pair of comfy shoes. Someone who’s brought you peace and happiness (and maybe the occasional pizza, a cold beverage, and damn good sex).
Now, this is for the men reading this.
Pay attention guys, because almost all of you need to read this.
For real…99.9% of you have unhealed traumas from your past.
You have bad behaviors from the environments you were raised in including parental wounds, and SO many self-limiting beliefs.
I meet young men today who really aren’t “men.” They’re boys who can shave, addicted to self, weed, ADHD meds, and their iphones.
Here’s what women want from you, even if you are married.
According to the Gottman Institute and years of survey data from groups like Psychology Today and others, women want three main things: moral integrity, relational sensitivity, and satisfying intimacy.
They just want a man who is willing to meet them where they are by showing up. Women don’t want men to prove how strong, manly, masculine, or heroic you are.
They just want to be cherished, heard, and treated equitably with a safe space to do so.
And, women want a man who is able to make sure that the romantic spark keeps burning…and burning hot.
What is moral integrity, relational sensitivity, and satisfying intimacy?
Moral integrity
Moral integrity begins with mutual respect.
This is an all-or-nothing proposition for women. Once it’s gone, all bets are off.
When women start to resent their man with feelings of contempt from a lack of respect, then get the life-support gear cuz’ you need it. At this point, it’s the beginning of the end unless drastic action is taken. Women also need the same respect that men offer other men.
Moral integrity starts with honest communication, radical accountability, and emotional maturity – if you can’t own your words, your actions, and your conflicts, stay single because you’re not ready for real love.
Relational sensitivity
Relational sensitivity means showing kindness, empathy, and patience — being emotionally mature enough to treat your partner like your closest friend.
It’s knowing when to play and when to step up as a grown man. It’s listening, supporting, and being present — not just physically, but emotionally and practically.
Most men were never taught how to be sensitive, but real strength is balance: logic and empathy, power and presence. Sensitivity doesn’t weaken masculinity — it deepens connection. When men lead with respect and compassion, women feel seen, safe, and valued — and that’s where real partnership begins.
Satisfying intimacy
It means bringing adventure, curiosity, and excitement into your relationship in intentional ways.
It’s about challenging each other’s perspectives, staying open to growth, and creating a space where both feel heard.
Real intimacy starts with intellectual connection, but only thrives when she feels like she can trust you. It’s about being vulnerable where she feels you value her heart as much as her body.
It’s not just about sex, it’s about the excitement, the thrill, the flirting, and the chase. Intimacy is learning her – her favorite foods, things in the bedroom, her fantasies, and how to serve her.
Staying single means becoming the kind of man that a good woman would not want to leave. And if you’re not ready to lead with safety, respect, and openness — stay single until you are.
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Yet, the later you make mistakes, the later you learn from them. The fewer opportunities you take to make mistakes, the fewer opportunities you take to learn. There’s a difference between being reckless and being over cautious- but typically you have to learn that by being a little reckless first.