When I hear a guy say that he doesn’t really need to do anything about his ADHD, my half-joking response is, “Ask his wife!”
Often, when a guy isn’t taking his ADHD seriously, it affects his ability to do what he needs to do, not just at work but also at home. It falls on his partner to take up the slack, especially when that partner is female. This creates a chase dynamic where the non-ADHD partner repeatedly tries to get the ADHD partner to step up more and handle his share of the load. He tries, but struggles with consistency and sticking to it, leaving both partners feeling disappointed, frustrated, and hopeless.
You may feel that you’re held captive by your partner’s ADHD. You may also feel resentful if you believe that he isn’t doing enough about it because it forces you to do more. So, let’s talk about what you can do in these disempowering situations.
Control What You Can
- Explore the Hesitation. What’s holding him back on doing more about his ADHD? If he doesn’t see how it’s a big deal, then share your perspective of how it’s affecting both of you. If he feels embarrassed, then offer nonjudgmental support and how proud of him you would be if he addressed it. If he’s pessimistic that anything will change, then explain how we actually have some really effective treatments for ADHD [link to productivity book?].
- Make a Request, Not a Case. Rather than trying to convince him to agree that it’s important that he address his ADHD, just ask him to do it for you. Explain why this matters to you, how appreciative you would be, and how you see this improving your relationship. Acknowledge that it’s OK if he doesn’t see it the same way and that that would make it even more meaningful if he took your request seriously.
- Focus on the Future, Not the Past. All those painful repetitions of the same problematic situations make it really easy to feel justified in your anger. Instead, focus more on what you’re asking him to do differently, such as get home on time for dinner. Or as I sometimes explain to clients, is your goal here to criticize so he feels bad or is it to have him change what he’s doing? It’s probably easier to keep that tone from leaking into your request if you say it before you’re ready to explode.
- Don’t Rescue Him. If his ADHD moments stress you out more than him, then it’s tempting to push him to prevent problems. This can create a situation where he feels like you’re nagging all the time and you feel like you’re being dismissed. Instead, let him manage the situations where falling short is less of a problem for you. For example, running late to see his family or friends may not need to be your fight, but you have more skin in the game with his getting to work on time.
- Say It Straight, Then Do It. If a problematic behavior isn’t changing, then calmly tell him what your response will be without trying to convince him of anything. My line with clients is, “I’m not telling you what to do. I’m telling you what I’m going to do.” For example, say that you will leave for the party at 6:00 and if he isn’t ready then he can meet you there. This way, you’re not frustrated with him and it’s on him to explain to the hosts why he’s late (which is not your problem to smooth over).
Your guy may or may not change his behavior or decide to work on his ADHD if you try these five suggestions. But even if he doesn’t, you will be happier in your life and in your relationship. It will also reduce the smokescreen of constant fights with you, so maybe he sees the impact of his ADHD more clearly. This may lead into some better conversations about what each of you can expect from each other.
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
