[This post is part of a series on how to effectively self-coach yourself, focusing on your existential needs as well as your emotional and practical needs. To learn more about existential wellness coaching, please take a look at my new book published by Routledge called Existential Wellness Coaching.]
If freedom is the first human dilemma, choice is its immediate consequence. Once we recognize that we have some degree of freedom, we encounter the unavoidable question: What shall I do with it?
Every life contains countless decisions. Some are small and routine—what to do today, how to spend an evening, what task to complete next. Others are much larger: what work to pursue, where to live, whom to love, whether to stay or leave, whether to begin something new.
At times. these decisions feel manageable. But at other times they feel overwhelming. We may feel uncertain about our preferences, afraid of making the wrong choice, or paralyzed by the sheer number of possibilities before us.
This is the dilemma of choice.
Modern life often intensifies this dilemma. We are surrounded by the idea that there is always a better option somewhere—a better career, a better relationship, a better place to live. The culture of endless options can quietly create anxiety. If there are so many possibilities, how can we be sure we are choosing wisely?
Many people respond to this discomfort by postponing decisions. They wait for clarity, for certainty, or for the perfect opportunity to appear. They hope that the “right” answer will eventually reveal itself.
But life rarely works that way.
In reality, we almost never possess complete information. We rarely know with certainty how a decision will turn out. The future remains largely mysterious. Self-coaching therefore does not aim to eliminate uncertainty. Instead, it helps us make thoughtful choices despite uncertainty.
The central question, then, is:
How do I decide what direction to take?
This question invites a deeper kind of reflection than the typical search for the “best” option. Self-coaching shifts the focus from perfect outcomes to meaningful direction.
One helpful way to approach choice is to begin by clarifying what matters most to you. If you know your core values—the qualities of life that feel meaningful or worthwhile—your decisions begin to organize themselves around those values.
For example, someone who values creativity might choose differently from someone who values stability. Someone who values service might make different choices than someone who values adventure. Neither set of values is inherently better; they simply lead to different lives.
When we ignore our values, decisions become confusing. We may chase opportunities that look impressive or socially approved but that do not actually resonate with who we are.
Self-coaching therefore encourages us to ask: What matters enough to me that I want my choices to reflect it?
Another useful perspective is to think in terms of direction rather than destination. Many people assume that a major life decision must permanently determine their future. They believe that choosing a path means closing off all other possibilities forever. This belief can make choices feel unbearably heavy.
In reality, most decisions simply move us in a certain direction for a period of time. Life remains dynamic. Paths can shift, evolve, or even be abandoned entirely. If you think of your choices as experiments in living rather than irreversible commitments, the pressure begins to ease.
Instead of asking, “What is the perfect decision?” you might ask,
“Which direction seems worth exploring right now?” This shift in thinking allows movement where previously there may have been paralysis.
Another challenge in decision-making is fear of regret. We often imagine a future in which we look back and think, I chose wrong. This imagined regret can make us hesitant to act.
But regret is rarely as simple as we imagine. People regret not only their mistakes but also their inaction. Many individuals later wish they had tried something, explored a possibility, or taken a meaningful risk.
Self-coaching therefore encourages us to consider a different perspective. Instead of asking, “What if I regret this decision?” we might ask, “Which choice would I regret not attempting?
This question often reveals something important about our deeper motivations.
A further complication in decision-making is the influence of other people’s expectations. Family members, friends, cultural norms, and social pressures all shape our sense of what we should do. These influences are not inherently negative. Advice and wisdom from others can be valuable. Yet problems arise when we adopt expectations that do not truly belong to us.
Many individuals eventually discover that they have spent years pursuing goals that were never genuinely theirs.
Self-coaching therefore invites a gentle but honest inquiry:
Whose voice is guiding this decision? Is it your own considered judgment? Or is it primarily the voice of parents, peers, or cultural approval? Recognizing these influences does not require rejecting them entirely. It simply allows you to choose consciously rather than automatically.
Another helpful practice is to imagine living with a decision for a while. Instead of trying to solve the question intellectually, you can conduct a small thought experiment.
Picture yourself having chosen a particular path. Imagine waking up and living with that choice for several months or years. Notice your emotional reaction. Does the imagined life feel constricting, energizing, neutral, or quietly appealing?
Often our deeper intuitions become clearer when we allow ourselves to imagine the lived experience of a choice.
Of course, intuition alone is not enough. Self-coaching also includes practical reflection. What resources would this decision require? What obstacles might appear? What support systems could help? Thinking realistically about these factors prevents decisions from becoming purely abstract fantasies.
Yet even after careful reflection, uncertainty will remain. At some point, every meaningful decision involves a leap of faith.
You choose, not because you possess absolute certainty, but because you have reflected thoughtfully and are willing to move forward.
In this sense, choosing is an act of courage. You acknowledge that life cannot be perfectly planned. You accept that some outcomes will surprise you. And you proceed anyway.
Self-coaching does not promise perfect decisions. What it offers instead is a process of thoughtful engagement with your life. It encourages you to pause, reflect, clarify your values, and then act with reasonable confidence.
Over time, this approach gradually builds trust in yourself. You learn that even imperfect choices can lead to learning, growth, and unexpected opportunities. The important thing is not that every decision turns out exactly as you hoped. The important thing is that you remain an active participant in shaping your life.
So, when you find yourself facing a difficult decision, return to the central question of this post:
How do I decide what direction to take?
And perhaps add two further questions:
Which direction reflects what matters most to me?
Which direction am I willing to explore, even without certainty?
Your answers may not eliminate the dilemma of choice. But they can help you move forward with clarity, intention, and courage.
Dr. Eric Maisel introduces existential wellness coaching as a holistic approach that recognizes how physical and psychological well-being are intrinsically connected to our sense of purpose, meaning, and authenticity. Grounded in concepts from existential philosophy, this practical guide helps coaches, therapists, and other mental health practitioners deepen their work with clients to address existential challenges, and to help clients develop the resilience to maintain existential well-being in challenging times. Unlike traditional coaching that focuses solely on goals or conventional therapy that treats symptoms, existential wellness coaching empowers clients to confront life’s fundamental questions while developing concrete strategies for living with greater intention. Each chapter systematically addresses core existential concerns, including self-relationship, value identification, purpose creation, meaning-making, authenticity, and developing a personal life philosophy.
Offering new ways of thinking about common existential issues, this book contains tools that will help coaches enable their clients to make life-changing shifts and necessary mental reframes.
—
iStock image
