There’s a moment in almost every avoidant relationship where the energy changes. One minute, things feel amazing and like they’re going in the right direction, and then it happens. The avoidant pulls back.
Their actions become unpredictable. They become harder to read, take a longer time to respond to texts, and are no longer emotionally available.
They tell you they need space, or they may even just disappear.
And your instinct is to cling harder. To try harder. To fix things. To text them more than you already do. Because if they see how much you care, they’ll stop needing space and go back to how things were before.
But here’s the harsh reality: chasing an avoidant way is the fastest way to lose them. Here’s why giving them space is more effective instead.
Avoidants Pull Away When You Get Close
Research has found that people with avoidant attachment tend to create emotional and physical distance when relationships feel too intense. They’re more likely to withdraw during conflicts or emotional intensity. They prefer fewer expressions of emotions in their relationships, even when things are good.
What this means is that when things get closer, avoidants tend to pull back.
And here’s the thing: When an avoidant pulls back, it has nothing to do with you. The avoidant pulls back because closeness feels like a threat, not because you did something wrong.
Why Chasing Makes It Worse
When the avoidant pulls away, it will generally make you want to pursue them harder. This can be a natural response. But psychologically, it’s the worst response because it reinforces the reason they’re distancing in the first place.
Chasing an avoidant makes them feel additional pressure. The harder you pursue them, the more overwhelmed and triggered they will feel. It will make them feel like they’re losing their own control and being forced into closeness.
The end result? They’ll withdraw from you harder.
And when they finally do come back around, they’ll withdraw from you again — and you’ll feel the urge to pursue them harder again. The cycle will repeat, and they’ll detach from you even further.
According to research on attachment style, avoidants are less likely to respond positively to emotional closeness unless they feel safe and less pressure. And for someone with an avoidant attachment style, safety looks like space.
What Happens When You Give an Avoidant Space
When you stop chasing an avoidant, you remove the pressure surrounding the relationship. This allows them to regulate their emotions and makes them feel they can reach out to you voluntarily rather than being forced to contact you. It makes them feel safe enough to continue a relationship with you.
The Hard Truth Most People Don’t Want to Hear
Unfortunately, giving the avoidant space doesn’t mean they’ll come back. It doesn’t mean they’ll feel more motivated to fix things or put in the effort it takes to make them work.
They might not be ready or capable of making a commitment. Or they might not want the same type of relationship as you.
So while distance can create the conditions an avoidant needs to feel safe enough to potentially work things out, it doesn’t always work that way. And the hard truth is that if your strategy only works to bring them back, you’re too focused on controlling the outcome.
A healthy relationship isn’t about controlling someone else’s behavior. It’s about choosing your own behavior.
Space Will Give You Clarity
Giving an avoidant partner space isn’t a strategy you should use to make them more interested in you.
The truth is, giving them space is one of the most self-respecting decisions you’ll ever make. When you give the avoidant space, you stop abandoning yourself in an attempt to keep the avoidant partner.
Space will also do something else really important: it will give you clarity. It could give you answers. It can help you determine if this connection is actually worth it.
When you give the avoidant space, you might realize that they’re unable to give you everything you want and need in a relationship. You might realize that they can’t meet you halfway. And if they can’t? It might be time for you to walk away and find someone who’s more aligned with what you’re looking for.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Candice Picard on Unsplash
