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Can Men Change?

I am a changed man.

Before we get into my personal story, let’s start with what this video is about. A lot of online love advice is contradictory, especially when it’s delivered in short-form video.

You may have heard that men don’t change. In fact, there are viral TikTok videos with millions of views where a woman street-interviews strangers in New York City asking if men change. They’re very funny, actually, and they always say no.

On the other hand, you may have heard that soulmates are built, not found, implying that change does need to happen in order for a relationship to work.

After all, two people with histories and baggage can’t come together without some form of friction in the beginning and an evolution from either side to make it work. In these cases, change is a fundamental precursor to getting into a relationship.

But you may have also heard that you shouldn’t date men who are projects. You shouldn’t be their therapist. And you shouldn’t do all of the emotional labor in a relationship because you risk becoming a mother figure to him instead of an equal partner.

You’ve been told that if he wanted to, he would. And when men know, they know. So if he hasn’t shown up as interested, pursuing, and fully committed, then end it. He is not the man for you.

So what is it? Do men change into becoming your soulmate? Is that something you should even hope for? Or are most of them lost causes and you should drop them as soon as you see a red flag?

In this video, let’s do what we do best on this channel and dig into the nuance.

Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am Matthew Hussey. I have coached hundreds of thousands of people over the last two decades and written two New York Times bestsellers on all of this stuff.

Subscribe and like this video, and let’s get into it.

I Wasn’t Ready to Commit

When I first met my wife, Audrey, I was not in a place where I was ready to commit to a serious relationship.

I was enjoying being single. I was focusing on my work. I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, let alone a wife.

Within two years, I was engaged. And now, just five years after we met, we’re happily married.

So if you were to use me as evidence, the answer to “Can men change?” would be a loud and resounding yes.

Marriage and children were things I feared, and I was never fully vulnerable or emotionally available for prior partners, even if I didn’t know that about myself at the time.

But before you click off this video and go celebrate that the emotionally unavailable avoidant you are dating is your future husband, there are some important nuances you should note.

Change for everybody is incredibly difficult, not just for men. Change is difficult regardless of gender.

The average person doesn’t spend a lot of time in self-reflection, consciously thinking about the things they want to change about themselves. Even fewer people are doing the work.

And even for the people who do change, they don’t tend to get a personality transplant overnight. They change by small degrees.

What Prompts a Man to Change?

So what prompts a man to change? The answer varies.

For some, the answer can be regret. Maybe a bad divorce makes them never want to repeat a toxic relationship dynamic ever again. Or it’s the regret of time passing without having settled down.

It could be a health scare that prompts them into taking relationships seriously. It could be watching friends and mentors settle down in happy marriages and seeing for the first time that marriage isn’t a scary trap, but a free and liberating lifestyle when it’s done with the right person.

But here’s the problem: those aren’t things you can influence or bet on.

You can’t influence a man’s social circle, whether he’ll go to therapy, or whether he has a profound regret that he wants to correct.

There are, however, a few things you can do to influence the direction of your relationship in the early stages.

Let’s go through the three things that worked on me that may work for you too, if you’re with the right person who just needs a nudge in the right direction.

1. Offer Them New Relationship Associations

First, offer them new relationship associations.

If someone you’re dating is coming off as noncommittal, lacks a dating history at age 35, or struggles to figure out what they want, there’s a high chance they have some negative or complicated associations with relationships.

Maybe they see relationships as being trapped or the slow death of their sex life. Or maybe it’s someone nagging them at every turn.

While it’s not your job to change someone’s mind about these things, it’s also true that people often change when a more powerful force shows up in their life.

And if you’re a believer in how amazing relationships can be—even more so when they’re with you—that is a powerful force.

Here’s the key: encourage general conversations about relationships from a neutral place. Then simply listen so you can understand what their current relationship associations are.

He might say:

“I feel like in relationships people just slowly become roommates, stop having sex, and end up nagging each other and getting in the way of each other’s dreams.”

You might respond:

“Oh my God, that sounds terrible the way you describe it. I’d want to avoid that kind of relationship too. But I plan to be in a relationship where I’m having amazing sex with my partner until the day we die.”

“Turning into roommates is something I could never do. And getting in the way of each other’s dreams? I think your ultimate job as a partner is to know your partner’s dreams and support them.”

What you’re really communicating is: your version is just one version of relationships. I have a very different vision.

You’re saying that other kinds of relationships exist—and they exist with me.

And you’re also communicating that this kind of relationship is one you’re going to have with or without them.

If they’re not careful, it’s going to be without them.

It’s an offensive strategy, not a defensive strategy.

Specific Advice for Your Situation

But maybe you’re dealing with a specific fear or objection and wondering: “What do I say to that?”

Whether you’ve been seeing someone for three weeks, three months, or three years, the details matter.

Ask your question in as much detail as you like and get advice tailored to your situation that goes beyond the general advice in this video.

2. Draw Some Boundaries

If you want someone to change, draw some boundaries.

An early dating mistake many people make is that when they like someone, they put that person on a pedestal without stopping to ask whether this person is actually right for them.

If you’ve been on a few dates with an impressive person and think, “I’ll never meet someone like this again,” you might hesitate to call out poor texting, lack of follow-through, or hot-and-cold behavior.

Calling out behavior in a confident way can encourage someone to step up, maybe in ways they haven’t before.

It also raises your value in their eyes because you’re not just another person letting them get away with bad behavior.

Some people have gotten away with poor behavior for so long that they don’t even realize they’re doing it anymore.

In those situations, it doesn’t hurt to give someone the benefit of the doubt and see whether a conversation and a boundary can wake them up.

But this is where key number three comes in.

3. You Have to Be Willing to Walk Away

You have to be willing to walk away if offering new relationship associations and defining boundaries haven’t worked.

Trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change—or doesn’t see the value in changing—is an impossible battle to win.

People tend to change if it’s in service of something better.

They need a strong enough “why.”

The “why” can be a mixture of carrot and stick.

The carrot is the future they want—a future you’re painting with you in it.

The stick is the past that hasn’t worked in making them happy so far.

In the early days of seeing my now-wife Audrey, it dawned on me that I was feeling something with her that was incredibly valuable and something I had never felt before.

I had never felt so accepted. I had never felt so seen.

And she used the things I’ve talked about in this video—offering new relationship associations, creating boundaries, and having the ability to walk away—to inspire me to get to a place where I wanted to commit to her and only her.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing in the beginning, but that wasn’t an indication of the kind of relationship we could build together.

This Only Works If…

Some of you may be thinking, “Matthew, I’ve done these things before and it didn’t work.”

You listened. You offered amazing relationship associations. You set boundaries. You walked away.

And guess what? He didn’t chase you. He didn’t even care.

That’s the thing about this plan: it’s only viable if you’re dealing with a man whose values align with yours.

No matter the amount of influence or impact, you cannot change the wrong person.

You walking away is not a tactic. It’s a standard you’re communicating.

I think the number of women who say men don’t change is actually a commentary on how many women stick around for men who don’t change.

You stick around for someone who’s flirting with other people and keeping his options open because you think he’s valuable and you’re going to be the one he changes for.

We would believe in people’s ability to change more if we gave less time to people who don’t change.

Sticking around for people who don’t change creates a self-fulfilling belief that men don’t change.

I had the potential to be a great partner. I didn’t come pre-made as the perfect partner.

But Audrey wasn’t hoping for that. She was testing for that.

If she had given up on me too quickly and labeled me a red flag, we wouldn’t have the beautiful life we have today.

But if she had kept trying persistently to set up dates or reach out when I was showing hesitation and uncertainty and not meeting her halfway, it wouldn’t have worked in her favor either.

She was clear about her wants and needs. She was vulnerable. She offered powerful associations with relationships.

Audrey was a believer in relationships. She was a believer in how amazing relationships could be with her.

She communicated her boundaries clearly and was prepared to walk away if I didn’t eventually meet her where she needed things to be.

And that’s how you inspire change in someone who doesn’t come pre-made perfectly for you.

That’s what they mean when they say soulmates are built, not found.

If you are a man watching this, let me know the ways you feel you’ve changed over the years and what inspired those changes.

And if you’re someone hoping a partner will change, ask yourself whether there’s something you need to do—whether it’s taking action to create that change or leaving the situation altogether.

I’ll see you in the comments section.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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