I Spent 31 Years Saying Yes. Here’s How I Stopped.

It’s a bit unfair.

Some people were taught setting rock-solid boundaries from an early age. If you don’t belong to that group (high five), you spend adulthood either

a) suffering from things you don’t want to do; but still do (you said yes)

b) building the skill to say ‘no’

I decided for b). After a lot of a).

Not The Captain Of My Life

My whole life was built around being agreeable. I barely showed any rebellion, at least not verbally.

I’ve always been a very nice girl.

Yes.

It’s no coincidence that most of the things I did in life were based on the expectations of others.

My parents wanted security for me, my friends wanted to go out and be super social, teachers wanted me to perform well and be quiet when they talked.

Yes.

I finished school with great marks. Straight after that, I started my studies in economics — while working in an automotive company.

Yes.

I did that, even if I would have loved to go abroad. Or study politics.

Something Was Painfully Off

When I was 21, I already held a Bachelor’s degree. I got a ‘good’ job offer from that automotive company.

And for the first time, my feelings got so loud that I opted out. Everything within me screamed: Hell, that’s not for me.

So I headed to Australia. With only 1.000 Euros (that’s not much over there).

I worked in a fabrics production; as a waitress and on pear fields for 10 months.

My family heavily doubed my decision.

It was my first big ‘no’ to everyone else. And my first big ‘yes’ to myself.

It was one of the best years in this life.

And it taught me a very important thing:

Knowing what feels right for me and acting upon it is thr only thing that leads to a fulfille life.

Conforming to anyone else’s ideas won’t do the job.

I Kept Being A ‘Yes’-Girl

However.

While this was a big, important decision — way too critical to be led by others — I kept struggling in those small, day-to-day situations (I still do).

It’s hard for me to feel I let people down. It’s hard for me to reject others.

Should we go to that event? Yes.

Can I borrow your dress now? Yes.

Will you help me with my project? Yes.

Therapy Made Me See My Pattern

When I joined a therapy group, I became really confronted with the matter.

My therapist gave me the advice to start introducing ‘micro-no’s’ to my life:

By declining smaller things, like sugar for a coffee, an invitation of that weird acquaintance, the well-meant but unwanted free advertisement merch they give you on the streets — you get the principle.

Low-stake ‘no’s’ will teach my nervous system that it’s actually fine to say no. There are no scary consequences.

So I started practicing and became better and better.

A Challenge Sent From Universe

As I am currently in Spain, I get to know lots of new people. So that means for every person I meet, I need to negotiate boundaries.

Often, that happens more subtly. E.g. there’s one girl who met me and slided into my DMs daily for three days in a row to ‘hang out’. I liked her, but I didn’t want to be social every day. So I simply proposed to go to a museum on a specific day.

Was that emotionally hard for me? Definitely!

And then there’s that one girl who I just meet for bike tours. However, she noticed there was Cirque Du Soleil in Valencia. So she asked me if we’d go.

I really dislike Cirque Du Soleil and it’s extremely expensive. So I told her the truth in a nice manner.

It felt like an extreme hard rejection from my side, as actually, I was really hyped to see her again. I was very afraid she took it personally.

At the same time, I was very proud of myself for just telling my truth.

Turns out, I had to do this more often.

What A… Cirque?

Next day, a new neighbour moved into the apartment next to me. We had a quick chat and he had to leave. To work. On a Sunday.

I suppose I looked a bit strange at him, as he rushed to explain “I work at Cirque Du Soleil! Do you like it? I could get you a ticket!”

As I really didn’t want to go, I politely declined. “No, many thanks though! Have a good day at work!”

For some of you, this may be a totally normal thing to say. For me, it’s simply hell for my nervous system. I spiral while saying this. And I feel so rude.

But again. I was very proud.

But somewhat that Cirque seemed to put my ‘no’ to test.

Third Time In A Row. That’s No Coincidence.

On Saturday night, I just wanted to keep it chill. So I went to the harbour, sat in the sun and listened to a podcast.

Then that man was approaching me.

He asked me in Spanish, whether I wanted to go eat with him — or thats what I thought. Mi español no es muy bien. I said no, muchas gracias!

And he clarified that he just asked whether I knew a good place to eat. Oops. I recommended a restaurant to him and he went on…

… until he returned one minute later to tell me that he and his friend had a spare card for Cirque Du Soleil that evening. He asked if I wanted to join.

“No, pero muchas gracias!”

And suddenly, the no was easy.

It didn’t feel offensive.

I said it in a nice and determined tone.

It was honest.

The same evening, I drove to a nearby beach and saw a sunset that was beyond stunning (see picture of this article).

Thanks to my ‘no’.

Repetition Makes Champions

Especially my third no to Cirque Du Soleil felt so clear — nearly comfortable.

The no-requirement came three times with different people, yet in the similar situation.

Hey universe, was this a test simulation?

If there’s one lesson from my three ‘no’s’ it’s this: the more often I practice, the easier it becomes. ‘No’ is a muscle that can be trained — best by purposeful repetition.

How did you learn saying ‘no’?

Or are you still struggling?

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