Despite popular spirituality and political correctness trends which condemn shaming, Jacob Nordby wonders if we have forsaken a vital guide.
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SHAME
SHām/ noun: “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.”
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Recently, I assigned an exercise for my writer coaching group. I asked them to publicly announce that they had joined the Chapter A Week Club by posting a special photo badge to their Facebook profiles. Each week they will write a chapter in their book project.
I also agreed to submit to this exercise myself along with the group to help me complete the book I am currently writing.
I shared this fun accountability exercise with my public groups and most people laughed. But several were quick to take me to task over the use of the word “shame”.
“You gotta’ change that,” they said, and then offered watered-down versions.
Of course, there’s no way I will soften the procrastination penalty for either my members or myself. I want the motivation to write! If I don’t keep my word to the group and myself, I want the world to see me with a picture of man-panties on my head.
But their reaction got me thinking about shame and why we hate it so much.
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Shame
It is perhaps the heaviest burden we bear throughout our lives—and it’s one we begin carrying as little kids.
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Many of us are so terrified of breaking the rules that we go into a physical panic if we feel that anyone even thinks we have crossed a line.
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Before we can even speak, we hear “NO!”, “don’t do that!” and “Bad boy (or girl)!” constantly. We begin drinking the poison of shame about ourselves long before we are capable of intentional malice. By the time we are self aware, shaming has been used to domesticate us and fit us into boxes which are acceptable to society.
Do you remember the feeling? Maybe you have carried a backpack full of inappropriate shame all your life and it has held you back from going for what matters most. I know I did. I also know how liberated I feel now that shame no longer rules my life.
Many of us are so terrified of breaking the rules that we go into a physical panic if we feel that anyone even thinks we have crossed a line.
Almost every religion relies on shame and fear to keep people in line. In some cultures, shame is so potent that people are expected to publicly grovel or even commit suicide to atone for breaking the code.
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I don’t ever wish to use shame as a weapon or a way to control other people, but I wonder if we have gone too far. Does shame have a proper place in our lives, and if so, what is it?
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Good news! We are waking up and learning that Who We Really Are is innocent at its core. Many of us in the human rights, spiritual and personal development communities have swung far to the other side of the spectrum. We see people using shame against others and we are swift to clobber them. We are putting our old shame burdens down—and that’s a good thing. Or is it?
I don’t ever wish to use shame as a weapon or a way to control other people, but I wonder if we have gone too far in our quest to eliminate the negative stuff from life.
Does shame have a proper place in our lives, and if so, what is it?
From where I sit, shame is just one form of pain. Like all pain, it is a warning flag to tell us something is amiss.
I hate to watch people using shame on each other—or themselves—in hurtful, bullying ways, but I’m saying we need to put shame in its place. We need to understand that it is another gauge on our internal dashboard. It’s the zap we get when we aren’t aligned in some way.
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Three Good Things About Shame
Like all feelings, we don’t do ourselves any good by stuffing it. In fact, the only way out of shame is through.
Properly understood, there are Three Good Things About Shame:
Shame is temporary. We get the “ouch!” of it when we have ignored our inner truth and done something hurtful, lazy or dishonest. This isn’t a permanent situation, because…
Shame helps us grow. We can quickly acknowledge our mistake, course-correct and use it as fuel to propel us on our authentic path with more joy and efficiency.
Shame is personal. When we allow others to impose their opinions on us or use shame to control us, we feel the internal lie. That’s their truth, not ours. By getting clear on what is true for us, we will feel the sting of disappointment when we aren’t walking our own talk. That is appropriate. But it isn’t healthy to allow others to punish us when we simply aren’t living by their standards.
The world is full of shame and shaming–fat shaming, racial shaming, shame about sexuality, negative comparisons about our success and status, and many more. It is time we trash bogus, harmful shame and only use the real stuff as positive motivation.
Proper use of shame might help us quit procrastinating, shred excuses and make things happen in life.
Bogus shame will do nothing but hold us back.
The question is, how can you know the difference?
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But wait…there’s more!
Please give yourself full permission to stop reading now if you are satisfied that you know enough.
But, for just another $3.99 plus shipping you can get a set of these amazing tire-inflating knives and see a simple illustration of how the Shame Spectrum plays out in real life.
Read on…
There are three main ways people deal with shame. I have been talking mostly about only one. Take a look at this graphic which illustrates how most of us slide back and forth on the Shame Spectrum rather than use it as transitional fuel
On the far right side, we simply refuse to acknowledge or feel shame. This is what happens in the spiritual community when people misunderstand the feeling and use concepts like “we are all innocent” to by-pass valuable inner guidance.
In the middle, we take the pain of shame on as our identity. In this situation, we will find ourselves saying “I’m sorry…” a lot. If those words come out of our mouths often, it’s a good idea to examine whether or not we are stuck in this feeling and see about releasing it in appropriate ways.
On the far left, shame is used to control or manipulate other people so we don’t have to feel the pain of it ourselves. This is what happens in society, religions and relationships–and it is perhaps the hardest mirror in which to look. If we find ourselves pointing shame out toward the world frequently, it is likely that we are refusing to process those aspects within ourselves.
Can you think of examples in your own life of how each of these three stuck-points has appeared? I know I can.
P.S. We already ran out of the tire inflating knife sets. Some things sell out fast. Sorry for any inconvenience.
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You may also enjoy this recent article by Theresa Byrne, Six Tips For Feeling, Not Fixing
Photo Credit: Public Domain/Flickr Commons/ CircaSassy (text added)
Author’s Note: I am committed to unconditional self-love. For me this includes loving myself (and others) through patches of shame–loving myself and others into the always-unfolding highest versions of ourselves.
Jacob asked me if I would put a link to my blog post, Confession: Good for the Soul?
http://mousetounmouse.wordpress.com/2014/03/05/confession-good-for-the-soul/
I think all the energy around shame and guilt might have to do with this being Ash Wednesday. I was brought up in the Congregational church. Confessions and Ash Wednesday were not mentioned. As good Puritan stock, we were just guilty all the time :-).
Jacob, Your work is awesome. The conversation this article prompted indicates it is a very charged topic, and for good reason. First let me introduce myself, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor with 16 plus years experience and a lifetime of studying human behavior & spirituality. Jacob, because you reach so many people with such powerful messages please consider my perspective. I read through all of the Facebook comments on this issue and the painful effects of our society’s misunderstanding and the historical misuse of certain emotions is very evident in this conversation thread. Misunderstood and misapplied, shame, guilt, and… Read more »
I wonder if the author is confusing shame and guilt.
Guilt says “I did a bad thing, I can learn from this”
Shame says “I did a bad thing, I am bad”
I completely understand and empathise with and where everyone is in this conversation. For me the ‘pain’ of shame is where you are if you believe as Iben does that it is not temporary. Part of growing is about being aware of the choices we have in any given moment and by and large something we need to learn or remember. Iben we are never who other people tell us we are (unless you like it of course 🙂 )but we do need to learn that from the inside and until we do then we accept the pain of those… Read more »
I muddled the issue a bit here. The bottom line is, shame is a feeling. Feelings are neither good or bad they just are. At the moment our feeling is truth regardless of its label. We need never accept a feeling someone else tries to impose upon us. However if we have a feeling which rises up from our inner self, it does us no good to try to pretend it isn’t there. Call a feeling anger, call it shame, call it artichoke, it really doesn’t matter what we label it. The point is never to deny any of it… Read more »
Two words: Daring Greatly
Ok wait, two more: Brené Brown
“Shame on you.” Those are abusive discouraging words. Shame says, there is something wrong with me, I am no good, I am a mistake. Shame is awful thing taught to us from the beginning of our lives. Such as a mother telling her 8 year old child, “I hate you. I wish you were never born. You ruined my teen age years. Because of you, I did not have time to have fun.” or when the child wanted “go go” boots at age 13 and telling your child, “street walkers wear those. What is wrong with you, you are terrible.… Read more »
Laurel, I’m not being cute when I say, you need to find other people to be around. What you’ve written sounds very personal, and like much of it was family. I can understand this: my mother thinks my being gay is fixable or a phase. I’m 52. It’s the longest phase ever. I choose to limit my relationship with my mother because of this. I’d like her to be someone else, and she isn’t. My path is mine, her’s is (Thank God) her’s. As I said elsewhere, “shame on you” is a curse. Only people in some kind of pain… Read more »
I agree, “shame on you” is a curse
As English is my second language I have perhaps a different understanding of the difference between guilt and shame, I have always felt guilt to be responsibility taking and judged by self while shame is responsibility dishing and judged by others which we somehow have to move into guilt before getting rid of it, does that make sense at all?
Yes, Tina, it makes sense. We all use language differently, and I may use it in ways other than the way you do. It’s not as much about being right or wrong in this: it’s about the understanding behind the words.
Love is of course the best medicine for getting rid of shame, not guilt
Agreed! <3
This whole subject would be moot if everyone wore tighty-whitey’s on their heads…
We are told that East Asian culture works on the principle of shame, whereas Christian culture works on the principle of guilt. I talked with a psychologist about the difference between the two, but I must admit that the distinction still escapes me. Maybe somebody can contribute something on this point? On another note, there is a fascinating word in the German language of which to my knowledge no English equivalent exists: The verb fremdschämen, which means to feel ashamed about somebody else’s wrong or foolish behavior. Many people derive masochistic pleasure (coupled with a feeling of superiority) from feeling… Read more »
Shame vs. guilt? Shame is about the “fall.” You begin at a state of grace and then fall.
Guilt, in the Religious sense, doesn’t have a fall, you are screwed from the start. Original Sin and all that.
That’s what comes to mind, for me.
Interesting subject!
I see shame as something you feel inside, guilt is something you have in relation to an outside rule/force/law. You can have guilt because of something you did wrong, but, more importantly, you feel shame because you are unable to live up to who you feel you should be. I may not be right, but that’s how they speak to me.
It’s not about being right or wrong, right? 😉
You and I are just using the same words in different ways. Mine work for me, and yours for you.
I’m enjoying this conversation; many ideas to ponder. Much more interesting than reality or daytime TV.
What a fascinating conversation this is generating. I love it. Please continue.
I have plenty to learn as this unfolds.
Hi Jacob
I respectfully disagree!
“””Shame is temporary. We get the “ouch!” of it when we have ignored our inner truth and done something hurtful, lazy or dishonest. This isn’t a permanent situation, because… Shame helps us grow. We can quickly acknowledge our mistake, course-correct and use it as fuel to propel us on our authentic path with more joy and efficiency.””””
Feelings of shame about for example sexually for a woman is not temporary.
Feelings of shame des not help us grow.
What on earth makes you think is does?
I would disagree with your points this way:
As a gay man I can talk for days about shame relating to sex – it CAN BE temporary. It takes finding a way to “come out;” that form of shame doesn’t like the light. It hates being owned! I don’t know specifically what you’re referring to, but I can say that once you expose the secret and take ownership of it, the energy of shame changes.
Maybe you should read the 2nd one as ‘overcoming the feelings of shame’ is where the growth happens? Just a thought.
Iben,
Thanks for your comments here.
By the way, I appreciate you doing it respectfully, but I don’t require that.
Here’s a question for you:
Did you read the part about the Shame Spectrum?
I realize that often shame is NOT temporary–but it can be. If it isn’t, we are using the external opinions as a reflection of our identity.
That’s a choice, you know?
It doesn’t feel like a choice, perhaps, but when we realize that it is, we are empowered in new ways.
For those of us quick to condemn those who may be shaming others…aren’t we doing the same thing? Trying to shame them into not using shame on others because we think it’s inappropriate?
That was one of my first thoughts: shame shaming! I’m not sure where on the diagram that fits…
becomes a weird circular thing, doesn’t it?