First Date Advice for Introverts

I was a painfully shy, geeky child. Being Indian and a girl didn’t help matters when I was in grade school. It’s bad enough being a nerdy boy, but it’s even harder, I think, as a minority girl. I was a social pariah.

I had two, count ’em, two, friends.

It’s not that I didn’t want to interact with people. I just had no idea how. And it didn’t help that my brain never shut off.

Before any social interaction, I’d be rehearsing possible conversational gambits in my head. Afterwards, I’d be analyzing all the stuff I’d done wrong.

Looking back, the problem I had is painfully clear — I was so focused on my own inferiority I didn’t pay attention to the other person. No wonder I missed social cues. I was too inwardly focused.

High school changed things. Partly because I went to a magnet school filled with other nerds. That made the other kids more relatable. Part of it was that I finally decided I’d had enough of being a social outcast, and whatever it took, I was going to change things.

So I confronted my fears. I forced myself to talk to people. I forced myself to make eye contact, to smile. Sometimes I shivered inside from fear, but I did it anyway.

Nowadays, I am still an introvert, but I am no longer socially awkward.

Have I gone on to live happily ever after?

Well, yes and no.

Here’s the thing — I still get tense when I’m at a large party. I still need to limit my exposure to loud crowds and I have coping strategies that I use that allow me to interact in social settings without triggering inappropriate responses.

And there is nothing wrong with any of this.

We all are who we are. We are not created the same and just because you don’t fit the mold of perky blond cheerleader or tall gregarious quarterback does not mean there is anything wrong with you.

At the same time, it also doesn’t give you an excuse for giving up and parking yourself permanently in front of a screen. You are not a hermit crab, you will not thrive if you refuse to leave the comfort of your shell.

The trick is not to isolate yourself nor to try to become something you are not. You need to find a balance that is right for you. And when you find that balance, you’ll be able to connect with members of your tribe.

Which brings me to dating.

Dating is hard for everyone but it’s particularly hard for introverts.

If you’re a man, there’s the stress of asking the woman out. Yes, I know, it’s 2020, but men are still under pressure to initiate. Which isn’t fair, but, hey, welcome to life.

If you’re a woman and you accept a date, then you stress about whether or not it will go well, will he like you, and so on.

So what is an introvert looking for love supposed to do?

My tip — don’t give yourself time to overthink things. Really. Because if you do, you’ll mess it up. You’ll change your mind or psyche yourself out or talk yourself into spending the night at home in your pajamas.

Whether you’re male or female — if you go on to a dating app and see someone you like — make spontaneous plans. Ask them out for coffee in an hour. Or to grab a drink right after work. Or a walk in the park after book club.

OK, a couple of caveats. We want you to be safe. God knows there are creeps out there. So you can give yourself the time to do a quick background check, and once you make plans, let your best friend or your parents know where you’re going to be.

Second caveat — it’s OK to verify you have enough in common that you’ll have something to talk about. So engaging in a few rounds of messages is prudent.

But once you’ve gone back and forth a few times — take the plunge. Ask the person out. Do it fast, before you can second guess yourself. It’s like ripping off a band-aid or jumping into a swimming pool. The initial shock might hurt but the pain doesn’t last.

When you initiate, pick a venue that won’t stress you out even more. For example, if you often visit a local park to walk your dog, then that might be a good spot. You can even bring the pooch. If your date doesn’t like your dog, then do you really want to see them again?

Remind yourself that this is about making a connection, so try to focus on them more and yourself less. Save the self-analysis for when you get home. While you are on the date, try to listen to what the other person is saying and ask yourself what you can do to make them more comfortable.

Aside from that — don’t sweat it. The point of doing things spontaneously is that not only will it keep you from chickening out, it will lower expectations.

So, relax, be real and push through your boundaries. See what happens. Good luck!

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This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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