I Thought He Was “The One”, Turns Out He Was Love Bombing

I am a hopeless romantic.

Like many, I grew up getting sucked in by romantic comedies. And if there’s one thing these movies made me dream of, it was to meet the guy I had that “spark” with.

For some, a spark is an unbelievable physical connection.

For others, it’s that mental connection. A person who gets our sense of humor and who we can talk to for hours. A person we can laugh with through the ups and downs of life.

So when the day came that “Mr. Perfect” came along and “said all the right things” and “did all the right things”, I thought I had struck out!

It’s cheesy, but at the time I thought just maybe, this guy might be “the one”…

Turns out I got love bombed.

. . .

To be love-bombed means to be manipulated by a narcissist with overwhelming gestures and shows of affection. This is done in hopes that the victim will feel like no one else will ever love or admire than as much as this person does. It is a tactic used in gaining power and control.

If your relationship or the person your dating feels “too good to be true”, be careful and know the signs. You may just be a victim of a love bomber.

Here’s what happened in my whirlwind of a romance and what experts and former victims, have to say about love bombers.

. . .

“A new relationship that begins to resemble a romantic movie or romance novel is cause for alarm.” — Tina Swithin

Undivided Attention

After our first date, the next morning and the days following, I received the most sugary sweet texts.

While I didn’t think it was irrational for him to miss me, to miss me to the degree that he expressed?

I received texts like,

“I really miss you sooo much…” or “I can’t wait to see you again…”

As much as I was flattered, I had a feeling that these texts were excessive.

Personally I wanted to take things slow. Sure I had a great first date, but I wanted to really get to know him more as a person.

However, as the days went on receiving more and more of these “sweet whispers”… I soon found myself returning the same affection.

I told my best friend, “The way we talk to each other, it’s as if we jumped from the ‘getting to know each other stage’, to being a couple in their first month of being together.”

Did I really mean when I told him that I “missed him so much” too?

Or was it because he was coming on so strong that I unconsciously tricked myself into thinking I did, when in reality I didn’t?

I Love You

5 days he tells me more words that surprise me, but also really touch me.

In an intimate moment he tells me how feels like he could love me forever. He tells me how he’s never felt this way towards someone else before…

Hearing those words from someone I felt a close connection with was mind-blowing. It truly felt like I was the main character in a love story who had finally met her “match”.

In that same week he told me the 3 words…

Making It Official

Soon we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Important note, apparently for him, I was already his girlfriend prior to us defining the relationship.

Looking back, this revealed a lot about his character.

But I was so drunk in love that I thought it proved how much he valued me. If he “can’t help himself” from already calling me his girlfriend then he must just love me that much right?

I was naive to the fact that love bombers don’t ask; they declare how things will be, with conviction.

Oversharing

He one day opens up about a very personal story that only his best friend knows.

I felt special that he felt comfortable enough to share something like that deep to me. Especially when the only other person who knew, was someone who had known him for years.

Be wary when experiences like these give you a false perspective of closeness. As experienced by author Katharine Kane, narcissists use this tactic in order to speed up a sense of emotional intimacy.

The Very Personal Gift

I stumbled across a little secret of his, I found out he was having something specially made for me in another state!

It was an item that had sentimental value to say the least. It definitely went another level deeper than just your regular store-bought gift or a suggested “gifts for couples” from Amazon.

Casual gifts like being treated to a movie or lunch aren’t usually a cause for alarm. However, better to be wary when you’re being given gifts so early on in your relationship — especially if that gift feels like it would be more appropriate to receive on an anniversary or celebration.

According to licensed professional counselor Tabitha Westbrook, LMFT, over the top gift-giving is a power move by narcissists with the intent of drawing their victim in.

Hot, Cold & Undependable

Being in a relationship with him felt like I was on a rollercoaster of emotions.

Some days he’d be showering me with love and affection, and the next day
— if not the entire week, he would suddenly go M.I.A (missing in action). I’d joke when this would happen, that it felt like I didn’t have a boyfriend.

I tried not to overthink this. Perhaps we were just both highly independent people?

While no person will be 100% perfect in their actions, his inconsistencies may not be something you should just brush under the rug either. An inconsistent partner can also be a red flag.

Him forgetting scheduled dates also became a problem, and after patiently forgiving the first, second, and even third time he had flaked on me for a date, I knew that this was a pattern.

The last thing I was going to accept was my boyfriend consistently blowing me off. I knew I deserved better than that.

The Break-Up

The day that I intended to have an open conversation about his flakiness, was the day I ended up breaking up with him.

His reaction during our conversation is what surprised me the most.

Before this talk, one of the things I “loved” about him was how great of a listener he was. He made me feel understood and heard. He was always kind and open. Us being able to talk for hours about anything and everything, was what I loved most about our relationship.

Despite my calm and collected approach to try to work through our issue, the person in front of me was not the person I knew.

Gone was this person who had always been so attentive and caring to the things I had to say, and instead was replaced with someone who was extremely defensive and cold — borderline rude even. It was as if I was talking to a different person. He never once, was like this to me before…

Seeing his solid resistance to any form of compromise, and worse, feeling the “guy I love” talking almost condescending towards me… I knew I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behavior.

I wasn’t going to be in a relationship with someone whose response to me bringing up his flakiness, was to gaslight me. I wasn’t going to settle being with a guy who refused to meet me halfway.

Then and there I broke up with him.

. . .

All of which sounds like the course of your average length of a relationship lasting at least 6 months to a year or so.

Our entire relationship happened in 1 month.

. . .

Post Break Up: His Delusions About The Future

Months after our break up, we patched things up and I thought that we could start fresh as friends.

He expressed wanting to get back together, but what really raised an internal alarm in me, was what he said after,

“I just can’t imagine living anywhere else without you. If we go (he and his best friend, to the other city) I’d want to take you with me.”

After being out of the “bubble” of his love, I finally could see with 20/20 vision how unrooted in reality his view on relationships were. That was not a statement a healthy person tells you over half a year later, post-break breakup — when you’ve barely said a word to each other since.

A healthy individual doesn’t just pop back into your life only to make crazy, bold statements promising a future together.

What might have felt “reckless and romantic” had I still been in a relationship with him… With everything I know today, I found myself irritated recalling the rashness of his words.

I passed on this “new beginning” with him. We did not get back together.

I dogged a bullet.

P.S

Not too long after all his bold declarations of “love” for me, last I’ve heard he moved on to someone new. Truly talk is cheap. Good riddance!

. . .

Love Bombers are on a Spectrum

Despite my ex “checking all the boxes”, I will say that I do believe that love bombers are on a spectrum.

As much as there are people who are very intentional in their manipulation, it’s also possible that there are many people who may be unaware of how manipulative and selfish they actually are.

This of course doesn’t excuse their behavior and you most definitely should not stay or tolerate a relationship that is emotionally abusive.

It’s important to not label people as narcissists without a proper diagnosis. Nevertheless, I believe that in at least being aware of love bomber tendencies, it can prevent a lot of heartbreak from someone who — whether they realize it or not — is a love bomber.

. . .

Smoke and Mirrors

Our relationship felt like a dream come true.

And it was a dream, because it wasn’t real.

What looked like a dream was actually a nightmare in disguise.

What once filled me with sadness looking back at our relationship, today I see as an experience that taught me a lot about romantic relationships.

I say this finally with peaceful neutrality: the reality of our relationship was that he never actually loved me.

He was there for the fun times and the easy times. But he never actually wanted a relationship with me.

Otherwise, we wouldn’t have crumbled the moment the realities of a real relationship kicked in. Someone who loves me would have tried to understand where I was coming from when I was hurt. He did not.

“A toxic individual is out for a quick gratification and is incapable of handling the ups and downs that come with a long-term relationship.” — Tina Swithin

Despite all this I still am hopeless romantic — but much wiser.

When falling in love take it from my experience, to be extra careful if you find your love story progressing at the speed of a romantic comedy.

Remember, even salt looks like sugar.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash