Meeting an Old Friend
I recently met an old friend I hadn’t spoken to for a very long time. We hadn’t parted on bad terms, it’s just that life, jobs, and relationships had gotten in the way. He had hardly changed, in fact, he hadn’t changed at all; enthusiastic, charmingly naive, a bit of a know-it-all, self-absorbed, playful, and, if I’m being honest, a tad immature. Although it was the first time in many years that we had held a real conversation, I’d always had the feeling that he was sometimes close by, but just out of sight.
So, what led to our reunion? As with many things in life, it was completely unplanned and preceded by a series of apparently unconnected events.
The Lead Up To It
The 1st event…
…was failing my Promotional Board at work. In fact, not just failing, but following a debrief, it was realizing that my inner-narrative and personal perception of how I presented at work was not slightly off-target, it was embarrassingly the complete polar opposite. It was 180 degrees out, a road crash, a train-wreck, and an absolute misalignment of how actions, views, and behaviors were being perceived by those assessing me.
The 2nd event
I expect many of you will have anticipated the next event as it often goes hand-in-hand with not getting a promotion or job; you find out who was successful! Yes, this person (maybe my nemesis) had been chosen above and beyond me for promotion, possibly even becoming my manager.
The 3rd event
In response to the preceding events, I knew that running would probably help me process what had happened. So, that’s how I found myself at 6 am starting out on a run. My body seemed to know where it needed to go, more than my mind did, so I tagged along. The run was longer than I anticipated and had drawn me deep inside a large, lonely forest.
Like a scratched record, the thought of him being promoted over me was playing on a constant loop; my running soundtrack, full volume, surround sound, round and round, on perpetual repeat, the drum and bass of self-pity. I tried to silence this pervasive jam with a cunning counter-attack; a combination of Mindfulness-Positive-Psychology, Living-In-The-Now-Acceptance, and Gratitude (in keeping with my insatiable Podcast and Self-Help Book habit). Unsurprisingly the loop continued to loop.
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He Just Appeared.
During the run, I hadn’t seen any other people, so I was surprised to hear the whining voice of a child shouting, “IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR”. Looking up and around I couldn’t see who was shouting at me, but at least it had drowned out the looping drum and bass.
It was with shock, surprise, and an inner-smile that I realized that it was me. I was mouthing “IT’S NOT FAIR”, but it was the voice of me as a 12-year-old, sharing his philosophy of fairness with whoever would (or wouldn’t) listen!
I indulged the moment, enabling my previous mindful counter attack to gain traction, providing a swift one-two combo, and giving distance, clarity, and curiosity to what was happening. The Chimp Paradox, a self-help book by Steve Peters, was tag-teamed in, adding a delightful round-house kick; something about “naming your Inner-Chimp”. I observed this inner-chimp as my inner 12-year-old self, resurfacing and meeting himself as a man, years later.
So, the winning move combination went something like this:
12-year-old Nick: “It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair!”
Present-day Nick: “Hey buddy, you’re right, and I hear what you’re saying, however, sometimes in life, things happen that don’t seem fair, it’s just the way it is sometimes.”
12-year-old Nick: “Well that doesn’t seem right.”
Present-day Nick: “I suppose there’s no right or wrong really, it just is. Thanks for looking out for me, but we’ve got this and I’ll be fine, no problem.”
12-year-old Nick: “I suppose…”
Present-day Nick (applying a bit of the “distraction” technique he uses with his children) “Hey buddy, look at that hill in front of us, why don’t you and I see how quickly we can run up it together. C’mon mate, we’ve got this.”
By the time we had got to the top of the hill, both my inner-child and the ever-looping drum and bass had disappeared.
We’re Now Planning To Stay in Touch More.
I’m not sure what this means, or how it’s going to help me, however, I think that my 12-year-old self has been silently influencing my thoughts and actions far more than I’d care to admit. Perhaps even for most of my life. I’m hoping that by meeting him, showing compassion, and working together, when he is trying to speak in the future, I will hear him and we can work out together the best route ahead for both of us.
I wonder now whether we all have an inner-child trying to be heard, understood, and acknowledged. If they aren’t, maybe they’re influencing our adult thoughts, actions, and behaviors from their 12-year-old perspectives. Maybe by turning inwards and recognizing our inner thoughts/chimp/child/gremlins we can befriend them and work together.
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