A couple of days ago, I was watching a film about a woman who was stuck in a toxic relationship. The film portrayed the way the relationship drained her — both physically and emotionally — and the struggles she was facing in her attempt to let go.
You know what they say: art imitates life. We’ve all known someone — a friend, a family member, or an acquaintance — who was stuck in an unhealthy romantic relationship.
But what is it that makes people remain in a relationship that seems to foster nothing but misery? What is it that makes a person stay with a partner that undervalues and mistreats them?
. . .
What Is a Toxic Relationship?
First of all, before we try to find a solution to a problem, we need to correctly identify it. In our case, what do we mean when we refer to a toxic relationship? What makes a relationship toxic?
According to clinical psychologist Tom Cory,
“By definition, a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner. While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy.”
Basically, a toxic relationship damages you, both physically and emotionally. Instead of making you happier, it damages your self-esteem and drains your energy.
Tom Cory continues, saying:
As you can see, a toxic relationship is abusive, ugly, and scary. It might seem impossible that a person would stay in such a relationship, but things are always much more complicated than we think they are.
. . .
Why Do People Remain in Toxic Relationships?
Once you’ve identified your problem — in our case, having a toxic relationship — , you need to also identify the reasons behind your problem, what causes it. When it comes to staying in a toxic relationship the first reason that comes to mind is low self-esteem.
Now, low self-esteem equals low expectations, and low comparison levels, so people who undervalue themselves indeed tend to stay in unhealthy, abusive, toxic relationships for far too long.
But, having low self-esteem isn’t enough to justify one’s decision to maintain a toxic relationship. There are other, more important elements that influence such a decision:
Your Alternatives Suck
The thing is, people often stay in bad, toxic relationships because their alternatives, well, suck. Or they think they would suck. An alternative could be to remain single or enter a different relationship.
For you and me, being single might seem a much greater alternative than remaining in an unhealthy relationship. But some people detest being alone. On the other hand, pursuing a new relationship needs time and mental effort, things that are not always there when you need them.
The takeaway is, that if you find an alternative to be more attractive compared to your current situation, it’s easier to leave your relationship. However, if you perceive them as lower-quality alternatives, you are more likely to stay even in a toxic relationship.
You’ve Invested Too Much Into Your Relationship
Here’s a piece of truth: the more someone invests in a relationship, the harder it is to let go.
Sometimes, people struggle to come out of a bad relationship because of their invested time and effort. Well, more accurately, their time, effort, energy, and resources.
We are biased toward continuing unhappy relationships once we have invested in them because that kind of failed relationship feels more like a personal failure. An investment gone wrong.
You Are Continuously Manipulated
Sometimes it’s not about you. It’s about them.
Once your toxic partner realizes that you want to leave your relationship, they might use different methods of manipulation — from emotional manipulation to threats of violence — to force you to stay.
The distress and fear associated with emotional abuse or the physical implications of domestic violence can strongly hinder you from leaving your unhealthy relationship.
You’re Afraid of Losing Your Identity
After suffering a breakup, you’ll notice the majority of people declaring that “they have no idea of who they are anymore.”
The thing is, when you’re in a committed, longtime relationship you adjust your life to your partner’s needs. You share habits, hobbies. In a nutshell, you’re co-dependent.
For example, you know that Friday night means a movie marathon with your partner and Saturday night means eating at that old Italian restaurant with them.
But, when your partner is gone, what are you gonna do with your Friday or Saturday nights?
Ending a relationship often means losing part of your identity and feeling lost. The bad news? You’ll have to reinvent yourself. The good news? Reinvention is the purest form of hope.
. . .
Final Thoughts
If like worked like the movies, we would all fall in love with our prince charming — or handsome pirate — and live happily ever after.
But that’s not how life works.
In reality, sometimes, especially when we’re young and naive, we end up with people who are far from right for us. With people who hurt us, again and again, and again.
If that has happened to you, think about what Guy Finley once said:
“Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.”
People who remain in unhealthy relationships often feel like there is no way out. However, the truth is, there’s always a way out. Staying in a toxic relationship shouldn’t make you feel worthless, weak, or stupid.
Once you enter a cycle of emotional abuse, breaking it can be a real challenge like no other, that requires endless amounts of mental strength.
It’s time to be honest. It’s time to be selfish. It’s time to be strong.
These are the things you should tell yourself in order to find the courage to let go of your toxic relationship and set yourself free.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
