Almost everybody has a belief about themselves that they cling to despite all evidence to the contrary. In many instances, these beliefs are harmless and are even necessary to maintain a positive self-concept. A personal mythology can be the source of confidence which allows people to contribute to society. However, when a self-concept becomes too disconnected from reality, it can result in a major conflict.
There are many life events that disrupt a sense of self. Nothing is more Earth-shattering than to have to face the fact that your personal mythology has only a tenuous basis in reality. When faced with such moments, some people will cultivate a commitment to reinventing themselves. Others will do all they can to entice their social network into sharing and supporting their personal delusion.
Rose-tinted glasses
Nostalgia is an odd concept that allows us to remember mediocre experiences as something greater than they were. The modern age of streaming video services provides one example of how our nostalgia can play tricks on our thinking.
We’ve all felt a surge of excitement at realizing a favorite television show or movie from our youth has become available. We settle in to watch, perhaps even coercing a few friends to join, only to discover that the true quality of the show does not match our fond recollection.
Some people offer an embarrassed apology and mercifully shut off the feature. Others embark on a campaign of gaslighting, and insist that the show remains a work of genius. The strong personalities can even force the people around them into self-chastisement for their failure to realize the innate quality of an indisputably inferior work.
A personal mythology
We’re all familiar with the character of the lonely bar patron who sits on his stool and torments all those around him with stories of high school basketball glory.
The sad fact is that you can deduce that this person could not have been anything more than an average player. Unless he starts talking about an NCAA or NBA championship, he really didn’t advance very far. You don’t often find individuals who truly succeeded at their sport, sitting around talking to themselves on bar stools.
However, it would be easier to convince this character to stop drinking than it would be to get him to admit he doesn’t have an impressive basketball resume. He needs that belief. He’s desperate to cling to a memory, real or imagined, about a fleeting moment of glory. It gives him a sense of identity.
Don’t get between a person and their sense of self
We are all inherently reluctant to call somebody out when the contradictions inherent to a self-concept begin to seep into the fringes of a discussion. Defying somebody’s personal mythology is like getting between a mamma bear and her cubs. It’s going to end in anger, violence, and pain for everyone involved.
Perhaps we back away from the potential argument because we are fearful that our opponents will respond with an attack of their own. Deep down we know that we don’t quite live up to the ideals we hold most dear. We work at it, we try, but we are imperfect beings. There’s nothing wrong with that, but this unfortunate reality combined with our inherent insecurities can be used against you.
Sometimes interventions are necessary
There are painful circumstances in various forms of relationships when it becomes obvious that the only course of action is to tear the bandage away and reveal the wound for the world to see.
The addict’s personal delusion is the belief that s/he “can quit anytime that they want.” This is a concept that they juggle in their mind, conveniently hiding it in a mental drawer every time their hands start to shake. In the bliss of an ebbing high they congratulate themselves on non-existent self-control.
“I could quit this,” they repeat like a mantra so they can convince themselves it’s true.
The first step in any improvement, any progress on a path to recovery, is for the addict to recognize that they have a problem they can’t quit. They have to pierce their self-mythology and recognize it for the destructive lie that it has become.
Campaigns of manipulation
An end to a relationship is always a threat to a personal mythology. People cannot help but use their relationships as foundational components to their sense of self. Conflict with a romantic partner, sibling, parent, or any other family member can be devastating. Your status within the family and your perception of your relationship influences your understanding of how you fit into the world.
We’ve all had the experience of the numbness and awkward floundering that comes at the end of a relationship or the conclusion of a life event. Students who graduate from high school or college often find themselves uncertain about what to do next. A part of their self-concept has been removed, and they’re incapable of moving forward until they have filled the gap. A divorce or break-up results in similar paralyzing bewilderment.
It is healthy and natural to wish to take some personal time to reflect after a major life transition. However, individuals who are fearful of personal growth often choose instead to embark on a hate campaign within their social circle directed against their former partner. This allows them to maintain a belief in their own superior contributions to the relationship and avoid meaningful self-assessment.
These campaigns are highly effective
It’s an unfortunate circumstance that a campaign of manipulation is frequently a very successful and hurtful tactic. It can be compared to a political candidate running regular attack ads, while the other candidate is actually occupied in meaningful public work. No matter what the responsible candidate achieves, the public will be swayed by the hostile, oft-repeated advertisements.
A reasonable person would not wish to be dragged into that kind of a debate because any response requires an attack on the aggressor’s personal mythology. Such a tactic represents a departure from civilized discourse. The only possible retaliation is for the victim to gather up the shared social group for an intervention. However, the groundwork of the hate campaign makes this response virtually impossible.
As a general rule, human beings are well-conditioned to shy away from conflicts that entail personal identities. Manipulative people can leverage this reluctance, go on the attack, and create a highly effective attack campaign against an innocent adversary. Casual observers are more inclined to listen to the loudest voice rather than do the dirty work of true investigation.
Divvying up friends
Break-ups and divorces often result in major disruptions to large social groups. People take sides either through their own impressions, or as a result of pressure.
In extreme cases, a manipulative individual can coerce friends and relatives to join them in the attack. When a family becomes unified in unfairly assessing blame on one of the individuals in a break-up, it can be a source of enormous stress.
Furthermore, when an attack campaign begins, it is most often launched by the party that refuses to engage in self-reflection. An individual that is busy reassessing his/her personal concept, does not have the time or energy to go on the attack or to defend themselves. This whole scenario represents an assault on a person who is in an extreme state of vulnerability and needs the support of his/her social network more than ever.
Personal deceptions are part of life
Everyone maintains a few overly generous beliefs about themselves. You might consider yourself a great singer or a terrific conversationalist even though the truth is that you’re pretty mediocre. These represent minor self-deceptions that simply help you maintain a positive self-image so you can face the regular challenges of each day.
Larger deceits can involve a denial of addiction, or a belief that interpersonal conflicts are always the fault of the other party. Personal delusions of this magnitude can have widespread ramifications that negatively impact everyone in a given social circle.
Don’t get coerced into joining a conflict
For our own personal protection, and to avoid being made into an unknowing aggressor in an unfair conflict, we must all recognize that the parties involved in interpersonal issues engage concepts that polite society has conditioned us to ignore. We must encourage the people in our social group to engage in regular self-reflection, and be ever vigilant about enabling or contributing to hurtful behavior.
The easiest thing to remember is that if you don’t know all the details in a conflict, then you shouldn’t allow anyone to coerce you into choosing sides.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jurica Koletić on Unsplash
