By Button Poetry
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Neil Hilborn, performing across Edinburgh, Scotland.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:56
[Music]
01:44
[Music]
01:48
many things happen in your life that
01:51
shouldn’t the black spot that grew into
01:53
cancer the subcompact that just could
01:56
not wait to meet you
01:57
maybe things do happen for a reason but
02:00
that reason is stupid maybe your brother
02:03
fell out of a window only because he’s
02:06
an [ __ ] I love you but I can’t keep
02:09
waiting you show up where I am when it
02:10
might mean what I said to you all those
02:12
times I was drunk at that one time most
02:14
of them were just hurtful nonsense but I
02:16
am proud of you are like your comic you
02:20
come around a yeah which is a real
02:25
thing I said that I’m sorry for Oh
02:27
alright home turns now get serious okay
02:30
alright
02:31
in a perfect world all the towns in
02:34
Illinois would be named blood so I could
02:36
no longer pick out yours on a map when
02:38
you’re dumb enough for long enough
02:39
you’re gonna meet someone too smart to
02:41
love you and they’re gonna love you
02:43
anyway and it’s gonna go so poorly it
02:46
must be odd for our mutual friends who
02:48
like me more they think you were right
02:50
to say I hate you would imply a world in
02:52
which I kissed more than your stomach
02:54
look we’ve established that I’m a jerk
02:57
so let me say this I’m a flat tire and
03:01
you are a pothole full of lug nuts on a
03:04
pile of bricks and you are holding a
03:06
sledgehammer which is to say I would not
03:09
exist without you
03:15
[Music]
03:25
[Music]
03:39
[Music]
03:54
[Music]
04:17
[Music]
04:24
[Music]
04:54
[Music]
05:02
[Music]
05:04
it’s impossible to imagine a color you
05:07
haven’t seen I can’t call my mother
05:10
because she makes me panic when I say
05:12
I’m crying what I really mean is that I
05:14
want to cry but can’t instead of dying
05:17
and the jellyfish simply ceases to move
05:19
glass moves like any other liquid but
05:22
slower sex is another way of
05:24
communicating with your body like
05:25
self-harm or sign language a complete
05:28
five crosswords day because it stops the
05:30
panic the trucks are down shifting on
05:32
Main Street knows what I do I do stop
05:34
the panic I’m gonna write things outside
05:36
my head they all seem so far away
05:38
everybody who’s partially composed of
05:40
cyanide napalm is just gasoline and
05:43
plastic I am just carbon and bad timing
05:46
if I were someone else I think I’d still
05:49
be mentally no it’s impossible to
05:53
imagine the color you haven’t seen
06:04
[Music]
06:33
[Music]
07:00
this fire somewhere downriver just a
07:03
thin army gray which not from the river
07:05
flat I call it a smoke signal if I were
07:08
the kind of white person you said that
07:10
kind of the link Street Bridge
07:12
always gives me vertigo the water
07:14
probably is in the far away you can sort
07:17
of see the expressions the people on the
07:18
boats below you if you dropped a rock on
07:21
the sand it wouldn’t make two people
07:23
whole like ass I gotta go home now but
07:25
I’m sitting outside my old home so when
07:28
does home emerge from just a place where
07:30
I put all my stuff the new house is
07:32
where I do all my living so I guess the
07:34
old house is where I’m dad I’ve been
07:36
saying all that so I didn’t have to say
07:38
this it’s too easy to you know
07:41
branch or take some pills no actually
07:44
you got to watch the bridge so no one
07:46
tows your mom’s car you gotta buy or
07:48
steal the pills
07:50
mostly it’s too easy to go without
07:52
saying goodbye
07:53
yes there’s a place where someone loves
07:55
you both before and after they learn
07:57
what you are that place is called the
07:59
world end if you want to live it’s
08:02
really the only option you could choose
08:04
not to but then we’re going to get
08:05
really great sandwiches so listen to
08:07
Springsteen the windows down
08:09
what do you want to cry you’ll have to
08:10
just not yes
08:12
people will miss you but if you wanted
08:14
to kill yourself for a while you’ve
08:15
heard that too much it no longer means
08:17
anything goodbye isn’t a strong enough
08:20
word but off forever isn’t always
08:22
what I mean listen if I joke about
08:25
wanting to kill myself that means I
08:27
don’t want to do it start worrying when
08:29
I only talk about brunch and dog breeds
08:31
start worrying whatever you want really
08:34
I’m not your boss I don’t know I don’t
08:37
know why is my phone we get home from
08:38
here but I guess it’s nice when someone
08:41
else agrees with me
08:42
Google says it’ll take three minutes
08:45
home that’s where I’m most comfortably
08:47
have my panic attacks when I get home I
08:50
had to stay there I get to sleep and I
08:54
get to if I want to do this all again
09:09
[Music]
10:33
hey girl what’s up I smell terrible and
10:41
I can’t stop eating cheese ain’t no
10:45
party like an anxiety party because an
10:47
anxiety party might kill you
10:50
hi with his meal I have feelings
10:54
professionally you should never
11:00
introduce me to your best friend because
11:01
I will definitely fall in love with her
11:03
too
11:05
awesome but I do alright never spends
11:09
three straight days crying in bed
11:10
because you realize that everyone you
11:11
ever really loved you heard horribly and
11:13
they probably would be better off if
11:15
they never even met you bro your rule
11:21
read an enchilada think about it all day
11:24
and then realize you might be depressed
11:32
hey I have a police foot and I just
11:35
found out what a hedge fund is what a
11:37
party what’s up ladies I’m 6 foot 1 inch
11:41
those are two different measurements
11:44
I lied to you on five-foot-ten
11:52
[Music]
11:55
all right I’m not saying the dating name
11:57
is like docking a stray cat cleaning it
11:59
feeding it giving it somewhere warm to
12:01
sleep and making it generally safe and
12:03
happy only to heaven leave one day for
12:05
no apparent reason but I might be saying
12:08
that I’m not saying I’ve never been in
12:10
love but I am saying I have a gigantic
12:13
collection of replica swords so you be
12:16
the judge if you’ve ever if you ever
12:20
made a bunch of pasta way overcooked it
12:23
but eaten it anyway because you’re tired
12:25
and you just want to go to sleep that’s
12:27
basically what it’s like to have sex
12:29
with me my name is Neil and also we hail
12:43
Satan I’m essentially the wood panelling
12:47
of people I’m hideous on the outside and
12:49
what’s underneath is almost certainly
12:51
more up and finally if you took
12:55
all the love letters I’ve ever written
12:57
and you built a house out of them you
13:01
would have a shitty house built on lies
13:06
[Applause]
13:14
[Music]
14:10
[Music]
14:30
[Music]
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[Music]
14:46
listen here you little shits you are
14:52
growing up in one of the most beautiful
14:54
places on earth everything here is all
14:57
decked out elk and the imperial majesty
15:00
of winter and you in great children of
15:03
the snow you spend all your time in
15:05
classes learning about things that will
15:08
teach you nothing about ice skating on
15:10
the bones of your enemies providing
15:12
moose on fire whose work felling fir
15:14
trees the beaver way or to make friends
15:17
in a blizzard which is with a double
15:19
what I’m saying is it’s beautiful as a
15:21
mushroom cloud out there and by the time
15:24
your grandchildren can enjoy it it’s all
15:26
going to be a tepid ocean anyway so
15:28
whatever you do put some of inside your
15:31
head before it’s gone it’s all yours you
15:34
little bastards it’s all yours
15:48
[Music]
15:54
[Music]
16:26
I can no longer hide the way I feel
16:30
cats suck see I told you I told
16:35
you right now so I’m real sorry you’re
16:43
gonna hate the next minute 15 seconds
16:46
all right cool
16:47
great just close your ears cats the
16:49
worst all right cats cats cats are proof
16:51
that Satan exists and one senseless
16:53
upper cat candle I give a cuddlier
16:56
animal say a rabbit or a shark we’re a
16:58
very intent on breaking all of your
17:00
shins cat’s poop in a box walk on the
17:04
poop and then walk on your kitchen
17:05
counter case closed wait I’m not done
17:08
dogs have been known to call 911 for
17:11
their others your cat your cat that you
17:13
love would watch you bleed out because
17:16
it’s curious what your face tastes like
17:18
your cat is the best thing that happens
17:21
in your day your cat is the best thing
17:22
that happens in your cat’s day if cats
17:25
have a theme song it would be great
17:27
stuff by lip biscuits
17:30
your cat I assume it’s made with some
17:33
like ruffles or Pookie recep’s what
17:35
you made me your cat called self-doubts
17:38
arias the eater of hearts and of
17:40
mothers well your cat calls itself meow
17:48
but that’s neither here nor is it there
17:51
listen the point is you all right
17:57
[Applause]
18:07
[Music]
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[Music]
18:26
[Laughter]
18:47
the first time I saw her everything in
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my head went quiet all the ticks all the
18:54
constantly refreshing images just
18:56
disappeared when you have obsessive
18:59
compulsive disorder you don’t really get
19:01
quiet moments even in bed I’m thinking
19:03
the rock the reaiized watch mine is yes
19:05
the rock 3’s watch mines yes when I saw
19:07
her the only thing I could think about
19:08
was the hairpin curve of her lips or the
19:11
eyelash on her cheek the eyelash on her
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cheek the eyelash on her cheek I knew I
19:16
had to talk to her I threw out six times
19:19
in 30 seconds
19:22
she said yes after the third one but
19:23
none of them felt right till I had to
19:25
keep going on our first date I’ve been
19:26
more than I’m organizing my meal bite
19:28
all better than I did eating or talking
19:30
to her but she loved it she loved that I
19:34
did kiss her goodbye sixteen times or 24
19:36
times if it was Wednesday she loved but
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it took us forever to walk home because
19:40
there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk
19:42
when we’ve been together
19:44
she said she felt safe like no one would
19:46
ever rob us that definitely locked the
19:48
door 18 times I don’t know her mouth
19:51
when she talked when she talked when she
19:53
talked when she talked when she talked
19:55
when she said she loves me her mouth
19:57
would curl up at the edges at night she
19:59
lay in bed and watch me turn all the
20:01
lights off and are not known or not know
20:03
nerd-off night or not no I’m not doing
20:04
it off she closed her eyes and imagine
20:07
that days and nights were just passing
20:08
in front of her some mornings I start
20:11
kissing the goodbye but she just leave
20:13
cuz I was making her late for work when
20:15
I stopped at a crack in the sidewalk she
20:17
kept walking when she said she loves me
20:19
her mouth was a straight line she told
20:21
me I was taking up too much of her time
20:23
last week she started sleeping at her
20:25
mother’s place she told me she’s in the
20:27
lobby get so attached to her this whole
20:29
thing was a mistake but how can it be a
20:32
mistake that I don’t have to wash my
20:33
hands after I touch her love is not a
20:36
mistake it’s killing me that she could
20:38
run away from this and I just can’t I
20:40
can’t go out and find someone new
20:42
because I always think of her usually
20:44
when I obsess over things I see germs
20:47
heating into my skin it was up crushed
20:49
by endless
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session of cars and she was the first
20:52
beautiful thing I ever got stuck on I
20:55
went to wake up every morning think
20:57
about the way she holds her steering
20:58
wheel
20:58
let’s turn shower knobs like just
21:00
opening is safe she blows out candles
21:02
blows out candles both out candles was a
21:04
candle candle goes out now I just think
21:09
about who else is kissing her I can’t
21:11
breathe cuz it will he kisses her one
21:12
seat
21:13
it doesn’t care if it’s perfect I won
21:15
her back so bad I leave the door
21:19
unlocked
21:20
I leave the lights on
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[Music]
21:56
[Music]
22:17
[Music]
22:27
[Music]
22:38
the hard part probably is admitting that
22:42
I really can’t handle it anymore I can’t
22:45
just hire someone to take care of the
22:47
two-year-old unpaid parking tickets
22:49
I threw money at my loneliness and all I
22:52
got were friends who think of drunk
22:54
driving as a sport I started my phone
22:57
for so long when I drew a glass face
22:59
first you say you feel nothing then your
23:02
eyes start to agree with you then one
23:05
day someone you love probably cries in
23:08
front of you and your only thought is
23:10
when is dinner there’s only one way left
23:13
to talk about being sad that won’t make
23:15
me more sad I’m so sad jumped off a
23:17
bridge missed I’m so sad at one time I
23:20
called my therapist mom I’ve made enough
23:22
jokes about killing myself but I’m
23:24
starting to think they’re funny every
23:26
time I say goodbye I find myself
23:28
adding forever because who knows when it
23:30
will be true the text message is a light
23:32
bulb on a bad wire start typing and the
23:35
ellipses flicker if I say delete if I
23:38
delete the filament pops and the hole
23:40
light sleeps tomorrow at least I have to
23:43
sign every morning get me a carrier
23:46
pigeon fire off the old telegraph opened
23:49
the windows and let me shout for help
23:50
something is burning in the spring water
23:52
bring water I’m so sad I fell in love
23:55
with hands in a row of teeth underside
23:57
of light up the knives even stare at
23:59
them until one of them speaks and
24:01
where’s the bad parts that like carve it
24:03
out by now is it all rot
24:12
[Music]
24:31
[Music]
24:39
[Music]
25:00
Joey always told me laughing as though
25:05
it were actually a joke then he wanted
25:07
to kill himself but it was never the
25:09
right time
25:10
there were always groceries to be bought
25:12
and little brothers to be tucked in at
25:13
night
25:14
don’t worry Joey isn’t gonna kill
25:16
himself 20 more seconds into this poem
25:18
that’s not the kind of story I’m telling
25:19
here Joe we got motion and now we can
25:22
afford antidepressants Joey is Joe now
25:26
Joe is a cold engine in which none of
25:29
the parts complained Joe is a brick
25:31
someone made out of fossils
25:32
if you’ve removed money from the
25:33
equation Joey would have been painting
25:35
elk on cave walls people would have fed
25:37
him and kept him away from high places I
25:41
think that the genes for being an artist
25:44
and mentally ill aren’t just related
25:45
they’re the same gene but try to look
25:48
not to a bill collector we were 17 and I
25:51
drove all the punk shows in the station
25:53
wagon older than any of us we were 17
25:55
and I bought lunch for Joey more often
25:57
than I didn’t we were 17 and the one
25:59
time Joey tried to talk to me about
26:00
being depressed when someone else is
26:02
around I told him to shut the hell up
26:04
and asked if you needed to change his
26:06
tampon you know that moment when the
26:10
cartoon realizes he’s taking three steps
26:12
off the cliff
26:13
it takes a long look at the audience
26:14
like we’re holding the last moving box
26:16
and a half empty house Joey looked like
26:20
that without a puff of smoke just played
26:23
video games for a half-hour and then
26:25
went home once I caught Joey in my dad’s
26:28
office staring at the safe where he knew
26:31
he kept the gun once Joey molded his car
26:33
into the shape
26:34
tree trunk and refuse to give a reason
26:36
why one’s caught jelly in a biology
26:38
class staring at a scalpel like he
26:40
wanted to be the Frog and splayed out
26:42
wide open so honest there’s one
26:45
difference between me and Joey when we
26:47
got arrested bail when he was waiting
26:49
for me at the station when I was hungry
26:51
I ate when I wanted to open myself up
26:54
and see if there really were bees
26:55
rattling around in there my parents
26:57
they’ve got me a therapist I can
26:59
pinpoint the session and brought me back
27:00
to the world that session cost $75 $75
27:05
is two weeks of groceries it’s a month
27:07
of bus fare it’s not even a school
27:09
year’s worth of new shoes in two weeks
27:11
two of 75 dollars to get to the one that
27:13
saved my life
27:14
will that parent that believed us we
27:16
said we weren’t okay but minds you could
27:18
afford to do something about it I wonder
27:20
how many kids like Joey wanted to die
27:22
and we’re unlucky enough to actually
27:24
pull it off
27:25
how many kids the people who cared about
27:27
them with you girls with a pay rent I’m
27:29
so lucky right now I’m not describing
27:32
Joey’s funeral I’m so lucky I lived
27:34
through who he were to become who we are
27:37
I’m so lucky I’m so lucky
27:56
I’ve been hearing the world is ending
27:58
I’ve heard it so much these days that I
28:00
can either completely ignore it or never
28:03
leave my house again that is if I
28:05
actually left my house for things that
28:06
don’t directly enable me to keep my
28:08
house I was thinking about driving
28:10
nowhere I’m thinking about becoming a
28:13
box and saying a locked room into the
28:15
dark house at the dark end of the street
28:16
I want to go away until I’m gone
28:18
it takes so much less energy to not
28:20
exist it does to exist and get burned
28:23
I’ve been burned so much I’m not me
28:24
anymore I’m a stupid puppet version of
28:27
me I got strings that lead to nowhere
28:29
nothing is pulling on me I wish someone
28:31
would drag my hand out of hiding and
28:33
sign my name on the dotted line there
28:35
are days when I can’t find the Sun it’s
28:37
right outside my window I’m getting out
28:39
of bed feels like the key in the
28:41
doomsday machine so on those days this
28:44
is what I tell myself whatever you’re
28:47
feeling right now there’s some
28:49
mathematical certainty that someone else
28:51
is feeling that exact thing this is not
28:54
to say you aren’t special this is to say
28:56
thank God you aren’t special I to have
28:59
kissed no one good night I’ve launched
29:02
myself from tall places and hoped no one
29:04
would catch me I’ve ended relationships
29:06
because suddenly I was also exposed but
29:09
isolation is not safety its death if no
29:12
one knows you’re alive you aren’t if a
29:14
tree falls in the forest and no one’s
29:16
around to hear it it doesn’t make a
29:17
sound
29:18
but then that sound is gone I’m not
29:20
saying you’ll find the meaning of life
29:22
and other people I’m saying other people
29:25
are the life to which you provide the
29:26
meaning see we’re wrong they say I think
29:29
therefore I am
29:30
more we say it the more times I think
29:32
before I will be you can’t fake your way
29:35
into a full table you can’t think I make
29:37
walls and a roof appear around you I
29:39
have thought who thought myself in the
29:41
corners made of words and nightmares and
29:43
what has it gotten me but more thoughts
29:45
but currency they don’t think buys more
29:47
currency so please if you want to
29:50
continue existing do something learn
29:54
them in clouds using only your breath
29:56
build a house even if every wall leans
29:59
to the left love it anyway just like a
30:02
season
30:03
just like a child love how you hate
30:06
yourself sometimes because at least
30:08
there’s still something to hate I know
30:10
how easy it can be to think and keep
30:12
thinking that we you are the last person
30:14
left on earth until the entire world
30:16
becomes no larger than the space between
30:18
your bed and the light switch but I hear
30:23
the world ending soon when we go and
30:27
we’re all gonna go I will be so because
30:47
the chemical imbalance
30:48
I don’t really experience joy there’s no
30:52
bright morning in a bright summer what
30:55
strong River or arm of wind the moments
30:58
when they do arrive on their slow boats
31:00
fall apart as soon as the light touches
31:02
them always is in a car always the
31:05
windows down always the music too loud
31:07
that’s never a parent that none of us
31:09
can sing the way cotton candy falls
31:16
which means at just the suggestion of
31:18
rain
31:20
someone’s drunk okay the way cotton
31:23
candy Falls to its knees adjust a
31:25
suggestion of rain it’s the only thing I
31:27
found to describe remembering after
31:29
you’ve just been happy all the things
31:31
that make you less alive so this is the
31:35
stone at the bottom of the hill this is
31:38
the sapling and then later the chainsaw
31:40
I have no reason to be here again
31:43
windows down ears beginning to ring
31:46
there’s nowhere to go and I’ll be damned
31:50
if I ever get there
32:17
[Music]
33:25
Henry was my pet rat and he died last
33:29
night in my hands he was to be honest
33:32
not a very smart animal but he was so
33:35
sweet that now I wonder if intelligence
33:37
has anything to do with leaving a good
33:38
life
33:39
he’d been sick for a few months and
33:41
every 12 hours I had to rub antiseptic
33:44
and lotion on both his back feet but
33:46
then they didn’t really work anymore so
33:47
he was dragging his feet behind him in a
33:50
way so cute and sad I started calling in
33:52
my little sea lion when he died it was
33:55
somehow a surprise it was thinking that
33:58
when your rat is older than older than
34:00
dirt and sick for months you’d be sort
34:02
of repair after I laid out the towel
34:05
I’ll mix the solution I picked him up
34:07
and notice his breathing was so slow I
34:09
lay down with him on the towel towel
34:12
spent the last few months right we
34:14
finally really completely loved each
34:17
other not like humans do humans always
34:19
want something from you and he and I had
34:21
was tried to be together than apart and
34:23
I pulled him toward me and he cheated
34:27
him that way it would always meant he
34:28
was wind coming in after a rain his head
34:32
fell forward so much less light in the
34:35
room the lamp is so far away like light
34:39
of a house to which there is no road I
34:41
know gives just a rad
34:44
somebody just like him all white red
34:47
eyes die every day and only one or two
34:49
people and white coats are eaten there
34:51
to see it he was all like he was always
34:55
there to see me when I’m awake from a
34:56
nightmare
34:57
so many nightmares I turned on the light
34:59
and there he was holding on a constant
35:02
companion to a prisoner the prison being
35:04
the apartment the world being inside his
35:06
cage once I was crying in bed because of
35:09
who knows why and he sat beside my face
35:11
and licked my tears away
35:12
I had a rat once named Henry named buddy
35:16
things mister big mouths named prove
35:19
something to meet me
35:20
and still love me or please can I have
35:22
some of your Apple or will you stab I’m
35:25
hungry
35:25
don’t go if you go I won’t survive a
35:27
child it reached for her father a couple
35:30
buried in ash dies holding each other a
35:32
man and a woman and office crying
35:35
slightly signs sheets of paper sparrows
35:37
who fall out of the sky together some
35:39
days I’m gonna have a child she’s gonna
35:42
have eyes like mine and such small hands
35:45
just like she’ll eat me alive dead but
35:47
she needs me alive now I don’t I don’t
35:50
stare off riches anymore
35:52
I don’t count out blue blue exit signs
35:54
and even today with Henry buried under
35:57
extreme the tree somewhere so far away
35:59
it feels like someone else buried and
36:01
using my body today I came home I only
36:04
wanted to sleep for 20 minutes instead
36:06
of always something needed me once and I
36:09
know something will need me again me one
36:11
day I’m gonna have a daughter she’s
36:16
gonna sleep through the night sometimes
36:18
she’s a light on a rock at the edge of a
36:21
lonely sea you see that light up there
36:28
that’s home
36:38
[Music]
37:22
mark is the kind of guy who given the
37:25
opportunity I would never lock his car
37:27
if you’ve ever driven two blocks farther
37:29
than you meant to and parked because
37:31
you’re good there that’s mark mark is a
37:33
spare room and I’m sleeping in it until
37:35
I know exactly how apart everything is
37:37
going to fall mark says I can stay as
37:40
long as I need and I believe him but
37:42
also I’m cleaning each plate immediately
37:44
after I use it everything stays in my
37:47
room and I play with his cat at every
37:49
opportunity I need to replace this
37:51
shampoo soon I be totally if it
37:55
weren’t for Mark but he knows so I don’t
37:57
have to tell him if you ever need
37:59
something to drive you a firing squad
38:01
that’s mark he’s the kind of guy who
38:03
when he says you’ll be fine he was
38:05
probably right the end isn’t coming soon
38:08
just what’s next and Mark’s gonna be
38:10
there turning the record over raising
38:13
the middle finger keeping the car
38:15
running
38:29
[Music]
38:42
[Music]
38:53
[Music]
39:16
you dumb sweaty idiot my collar is
39:22
frayed and there’s a condom in my inside
39:24
pocket you know the one the condom
39:27
pocket you ever like ever heard of a
39:32
washing machine I’d like to be in one
39:34
put me in one for a year bro you can’t
39:38
just use me as your security blanket and
39:40
besides it’s okay to live in filth filth
39:42
is not secure you dumb dummy I could be
39:45
covered in patches of pyramid studs I
39:47
could be a blanket for a pimple if I’m
39:50
gonna be dirty all the time I should at
39:52
least be badass I should be inspiring
39:54
even if only a fear and nausea but no I
39:58
gotta go with you to Kansas City we
40:01
heard northern Wales okay
40:05
so I’m not trying to talk a bunch of
40:08
all right so the first okay the
40:11
first show this tour was in Wrexham and
40:13
it was a lovely show right so much fun
40:15
the crowd was awesome had like I
40:18
had an incredible time you know and I
40:21
didn’t know anything with them like I
40:22
got here and so y’all have this lovely
40:24
TV program called night tops and I’ve
40:28
seen three episodes of my tops in which
40:31
wrecked wrecks of his features seven
40:33
times so that’s that’s why I joke about
40:36
other ones all right but I can’t wait
40:39
for you in your bag when you get to warm
40:40
not wait until the stitches burst and it
40:42
all falls off because I love you stupid
40:45
I do you can’t not come here let me hold
40:50
you
41:01
[Music]
41:08
[Music]
41:47
[Music]
42:00
the worst thing about being naked and
42:04
then being hit by a car there’s the road
42:07
rash is a problem for skin that’s why
42:10
our time they get in the middle road are
42:12
you glad you asked we have imagine every
42:14
other half of this conversation I have
42:16
no idea some characteristics of bipolar
42:19
disorder can include dissociation
42:21
hallucinations and few states and so
42:23
sometimes I have a government place then
42:25
go to sleep
42:26
so the RAM knew to display doubt on the
42:29
hood of a car that’s bloody chicken
42:31
screaming whether government conspiracy
42:34
to take away my feet real because my
42:37
brain sweet no but six inches away from
42:39
the concrete when I realize you’re still
42:41
motion like the exact opposite of
42:42
alright not super sub tactic kiss it’s
42:45
not how I imagined my life would turn
42:48
out when I was little I broke both my
42:51
ankles jumping off a roof because I’m
42:52
sure a cave what enable me to fly but
42:55
parents to resist my strong imagination
42:56
last year my therapist called the
42:59
delusion I failed
43:00
seek difference although it hardly can
43:03
fly and see the future and make stupid
43:05
people leave the hobby shop with my mind
43:10
43 percent of the time sometimes I think
43:12
people as colors the point is here’s the
43:15
list of things my grades let me to do
43:17
we’re going to join a cult
43:18
start a cult we don’t have to make you
43:20
kill myself
43:21
so in essence become a cabinetmakers
43:23
break into and I’m going to paint other
43:26
people’s houses five sex we need to
43:28
really ever
43:29
reminds me of my mother do you fight
43:30
with animals that are much 20
43:34
years ago years like Paris
43:36
so in essence kill myself I think I
43:39
think a lot about killing myself not
43:41
like a point on a map but rather like a
43:43
glowing exit sign it shows everybody
43:45
quite badly to make me want to leave see
43:47
here when I’m up I don’t kill myself
43:48
because holy there is so much left
43:51
to do when I’m down I don’t kill myself
43:53
because then the sadness would be over
43:56
and the sadness is my own paint under to
43:58
the new who’ll be the sadness is the
43:59
house fire or the broken shoulder I
44:01
still be me without it but but he’s so
44:03
boring keep telling me seeing things
44:05
that are technically there it’s called
44:07
disturbed cognitive functioning I call
44:09
it having a superpower once I pull up
44:12
from the freeway jump in my little red
44:14
Jeep because I saw it first into flames
44:16
20 seconds before it actually burst into
44:18
flames is a new my girlfriend and I
44:20
would be together
44:20
cuz she turned bright pink the first
44:22
time she saw me I know tomorrow is gonna
44:24
come with because I’ve seen it sunrise
44:27
is going to come to do is wake up to the
44:29
future has been at war but it’s coming
44:32
home so soon in the future it’s the map
44:34
and the treasure of the future looks
44:36
like a child gonna take the future is
44:38
just like gravity everybody’s totally
44:40
drifting toward everyone else we will
44:41
always be part of each other one day the
44:44
future is a blue sky and a full tank of
44:47
gas I saw the future I did it I was
44:53
alive
44:56
[Applause]
45:17
[Applause]
45:18
[Music]
46:25
you
—
This post was previously published on the Button Poetry channel on YouTube.
***
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Photo credit: Screenshot from video
