Stand Your Ground Without Being Obnoxious

To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough. ~Edith Eva Eger

This is not about winning — It’s about not losing
This is not about being on top — It’s about holding your position
This is not about who’s right — It’s about doing what’s right
This is not about YOU — It’s about THEM and YOU

We all need to walk paths through trying relationships and situations, especially those that threaten the essence of who we are, what we value, and what we need to protect. Often, that will test our confidence and communication skills.

How to own your opinion, be assertive, and still stay likable

For me, staying likable is the hidden secret to finding the right manner and degree of assertiveness. After all, what have we accomplished if we burn the forest down while we’re in it?

Here are some useful points I’ve learned that really work.

Courtesy in battle

It’s always important to remember that in relationships where assertiveness is needed, the objective is to hold our ground — not dig pits for ourselves or others. Stay calm and focused on the issue, not the reaction of the person you’re speaking to. Be as polite as possible. Don’t sacrifice your dignity just to gain ground. Chances are, that ground isn’t something you really want anyway. Be determined to walk away from the conversation with all your valuables still in place.

Stay committed until the job is done

See the conversation or confrontation through to the end. Not so you can score a victory over the other person but to gain an understanding of the core problem with a view to resolving the issue.

Don’t walk away in anger
Don’t roll your eyes
Don’t sulk
Don’t revert to a four-letter word vocabulary
Don’t belittle or accuse
Don’t take a warrior’s stance

Gather information by listening

Before assertively stating your side of an issue, first, take the time to listen to the opposing view. Exercise empathy. Can you feel what they feel? Can you understand their perspective? If so, you’ll have strategic information with which to formulate your opinions in a way that will make them more easily heard and understood

Stay calm and filter real information from the emotional reaction.
.Sincerely acknowledge other’s thoughts and feelings when possible.
Take time to analyze what you hear and perceive.

State your case

The first thing that should be considered is whether or not this issue is important enough to require an assertive stance. Do you really want to fight this battle or would it be better to pick a different issue, time, and place? If you decide the issue needs to be addressed now, here are a few things to consider.

Always respect the rights and beliefs of others. (You don’t have to agree but you do need to respect their right to their opinions and feelings.)
Don’t exaggerate your case.
State your point-of-view clearly. Don’t assume they already know how you feel or think.
Never say ‘no’ unless you mean it — be decisive.
Be a proactive peacemaker while at the same time holding your position.
Think before you speak. Words have immense power. Be determined to use them properly.
Make sure your facial expression, tone of voice, and body language are not confrontational.
If needed, state your acceptable boundaries. Don’t push others, but at the same time, don’t allow others to push you.
Be confident. (One trait of a truly confident person is that they can display humility when appropriate.)
Don’t be touchy! If you’re overly sensitive, you’ll lose your credibility before you begin.
When in the wrong — apologize!

Ask these questions before taking a stand

For me, the most important points I try to remember before taking an assertive stand are these:

Is this a battle I really need to fight?
And if it is, what is my purpose?
What do I want to achieve?
Is the cost too high?
Are the benefits real?
Can I stay true to my principles and beliefs?

No plan or style of communication will work every time or with everyone. However, if we do our part the best we can, we will most likely achieve some of our goals.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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