The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, is one of the best books I have ever read on relationships. It helped me put into perspective that my needs may not be someone else’s, and likewise, my way of loving may not be what others need.
Mr. Chapman explains how everyone needs all types, but that everyone has a primary love language, and often, a secondary one in order to feel fulfilled and happy with their spouse, parent, loved one.
Here’s the list, and of course, my two cents.
Gifts
Gifts are a great way to show someone you know what they appreciate. They have meaning and become sentimental. Gifts souvenirs that you take forth with you as reminders of the good times in your life.
I know myself and I know I will be somewhat disappointed if Christmas comes around and there is not a single present for me under the tree. I won’t deny that I am materialistic in this way and it’s not a bad thing.
Who doesn’t like gifts that have been thought of extensively and brought to you because they had you in mind when they bought/made it?
Words of Affirmation
I’ve lacked confidence throughout my life, so I know words of affirmation are important. I remember driving my mother nuts asking her over and over if she loved me when I was a child, and I often sought praise from others — at school, at work, and from friends.
My husband has, throughout our relationship, been incredibly supportive and reassuring of my work and at everything I set out to do, but nevertheless, I have felt inadequate. No amount of flattering comments from him or anyone else would have made me feel good about myself unless I believed it wholeheartedly. So although I sought the attention, it didn’t seem to feed me.
In the last year, I have learned to love myself more, and thus, praise myself. I have boosted my own confidence. This may have been the love I needed to give myself in order to feel fulfilled.
I don’t depend on compliments from others anymore because I know that what I am doing is right, and how I am, is good.
Now, I can accept praise humbly with a bright smile on my face without feeling awkward or embarrassed, but proud and grateful.
Acts of Service
Acts of service are extremely important, not because it’s my main love language but rather because of the way society sees it.
I interpret acts of service as the work you put in, often work you that does not come naturally to you — mainly involving housework.
It was, and still is in some households, expected from women to do everything in the house and the husbands would be exempt from it, being the main breadwinners.
It works in some relationships. But in general, the argument has long been pulled apart and thrown away especially seeing as how many women also now work, and often are the main breadwinners.
I admire the women who put up with and upheld the expectations of society, no matter their situation, but I also highly respect those who rebelled against the old man’s rule.
I deeply appreciate my husband’s input at home and would feel less loved if he stopped pulling his weight. The person who makes the most mess in the house is our son, which his father helped to create, so he has as much of a responsibility to set a good example as I do. Our son growing up seeing both his parents do the work hopefully means he will not know any different. And he will be expected to pull his weight in every home he ever lives in — I’ll see to that!
I appreciate it when I keep thinking I need to empty the trash and don’t get a moment in the day to do it, to come downstairs the next day and find it’s been done for me without question or comment.
I like coming downstairs after putting our son to bed and finding that the bombsite our son had left has been put away and rearranged.
Likewise, the hubby appreciates me bringing him up a cup of coffee when he’s in the middle of a meeting or when he runs downstairs at lunch and all he needs to do is sit his ass down and eat before rushing to make the next phone call.
Physical Touch
Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash
This one’s a no-brainer to me.
Skin-to-skin contact between a mother and her newborn baby is the most beautiful and purest form of love. A baby will learn to love from just feeling his mother’s warm skin under his.
Physical touch is so important it’s even integrated into our hellos. Two kisses on the cheek are common in Spain, 3 or 4 in France. In England, depending on how well you know the other party, a hug or a kiss.
In formal settings, we handshake mostly everywhere.
Remember — mind, body, and soul. They’re all connected. The energy passes through all three.
Quality Time
Time is the currency in which you manifest love physically.
Although Gary Chapman describes it as its own language of 5, I believe this is the true language and the other four fall under it as subcategories.
Because all forms of love take time.
Firstly, you can love the hell out of someone but if you don’t put in the time for them, there is no relationship. This applies across all specs of relationships — towards your children, parents, friends, etc.
When Devonte and I first got together in September 2011, I was actually living in France and was due to stay there for the academic year as part of my degree in French. To some, it could not have been the worst time. How on earth would we get a honeymoon phase like most couples if we weren’t going to see each other?
Well, we wanted to see how deeply we felt about each other. We wanted to almost test ourselves early on. We could have either waited until the year was over or just try there and then. There is no time like the present. We had known each other for around 18 months by then and had become good friends, so to us, it was the best time.
We broke up halfway through the year because the distance was just horrible. But we kept on talking throughout our 3-month break-up and we got back together almost immediately after I returned.
We put in the time in from day 1, and when we stopped, we broke up. Then, we had to spend more time talking to each other and building that love back up before getting back together. We were investing in us.
Any time we have gone through a rough patch since it is the time or lack thereof, that has been at the root of our issues.
You can say you love your children, but if you don’t spend good quality time with them, you are not manifesting love.
The more you love something, whatever it is, the more time you crave to be with it. If you love your hobby, you’ll prioritise it. And where you don’t put in the time, your love for it becomes distanced and blurred. It can still be there, but if you’re not prioritising it, it will eventually move further back in your mind.
Photo by Micah Tindell on Unsplash
Time Is the Ultimate Investment
When you’re displaying any kind of love — whether it be in the form of gifts, acts of service, or words of affirmation — you are spending time.
It doesn’t mean you have to spend every second of the day with whomever you want to build a deep bond with. Quality time can be in short bursts, too. It means the time has to be positive.
I was fortunate enough to be able to give up my day job to be with my son when he was born because it is important for our bond. I was given the gift of time, the great equaliser. And that time, I am passing on to our son.
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This post was previously published on mdium.com.
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Photo credit: Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash