The Love Diet: How To Identify Healthy and Unhealthy Love

Unhealthy versions of love are often romanticized by the mass media so it’s no wonder we find ourselves in dysfunctional relationships thinking they are normal.

Take The Notebook, one of the most famous romantic movies of all time.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.”

— Noah, The Notebook

Why is love going to be really hard? Is that what we should expect from love?

Now let’s consider The Fault in Our Stars.

“It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”

— Augustus Waters, The Fault in Our Stars

I understand the sentiment but again, why is pain a consequence of love?

Let’s take one more example, this time from the Golden Age of cinema:

“He can be jealous, and that’s a very good sign.”

— Audrey Hepburn, Love in the Afternoon

No, jealousy is not a good sign, and it certainly isn’t healthy.

We can so easily overlook the real meaning in these sentiments because it’s love and we have come to expect that:

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”

— A Midsummer Night’s Dream, William Shakespeare.

Shakespeare clearly has a lot to answer for.

If we are ever to figure out what healthy love is then we need to go back to the drawing board.

What is love?

The dictionary definition of love is an intense feeling of deep affection.

By definition then, love is not an emotion. Love lasts for longer than emotions do which come and go as and when we need them. In addition, we can feel numerous emotions when in love, and because there are good and bad emotions we can easily conclude then that love can also be good and bad.

But, if love is not an emotion, then what is it?

One definition which I think goes some way in explaining the intangible quality of love is:

“Love is first and foremost something we feel in our hearts. It is when love manifests itself as an emotional experience that it is characterized by the sort of profound ecstasy or deep attachment that, when suddenly interrupted or unreciprocated, can cause intense suffering.”

Berit Brogaard, Professor and Director of the Brogaard Lab for Multisensory Research at the University of Miami.

So, love = joy unless restricted in some way then love = pain. This definition also explains the link love has with emotions in that it ‘manifests itself as an emotional experience’.

So, what if we listened to the emotions and feelings that we experience when in love and then rationally decide whether we want to feel that way rather than just accepting it for what it is? Would this not lend itself to a healthier version of love?

If you’ve ever done something stupid for the sake of love (haven’t we all?) then you may have justified it by saying you were following your heart (emotional) rather than your head (rational). But then isn’t that the same as saying that we can’t rationalize what we feel.

It seems then that we don’t need to understand love to be able to feel it and yet if we want a healthier version of love then we need to be able to rationalize what we feel. In the process of rationalizing we then identify whether what we have is either a healthy or unhealthy type of love.

Let’s look rationally then at three types of love that most of us will experience in our lifetime and identify exactly what is healthy and what is not.

Self Love

Regard for one’s own well-being and happiness

At the core of all healthy loving relationships is self-love because self-love promotes a higher level of self-worth and this, in turn, means you are more likely to make healthier choices in your relationships. Expressed in the simplest way possible:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

— Stephen Chbosky

Healthy self-love is having compassion for yourself. You accept who you are, and that is not to say you don’t recognize that you have flaws but you don’t let that reduce your self-worth. It’s like being your best friend — supportive, uncritical, and caring. If you have a bad day then you give yourself a break, you don’t beat yourself up about it because you are human and you are not meant to be perfect. Self-love can mean different things to different people but here are some examples of what healthy self-love can look like:

Being nice to yourself. Using positive words when thinking or talking about yourself.
Meditation or mindfulness.
Taking time out for you. Be it a bubble bath, 10 minutes with your favorite book or a peaceful stroll around the park.
Being you unapologetically. No people-pleasing or apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Nurturing your body with the food, rest, and exercise it needs.
Leaving what’s in the past in the past. You can’t change it so learn to accept it and move on.
Not comparing yourself to others.

Unhealthy self-love can fall into the realm of narcissism. High levels of self-importance can result in the inability to form meaningful relationships with others. Signs of narcissism can include:

The tendency to blame others when things go wrong.
Cutting into conversations because they believe they have something more important to say than the person talking.
Lack of empathy for others.
A feeling of superiority.
Take advantage of others to get what they want.
The tendency to exaggerate their talents and achievements.

Thankfully, research shows that narcissism is extremely rare and actually the majority of people fall into the low self-confidence category. Females are more likely to suffer from low-self confidence than males and while this does improve with age why wait when you can start practicing self-love now.

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.”

— Lucille Ball

Unconditional Love

To love someone without conditions.

This type of love can often be mistaken for reciprocal love. Yet, the true definition is to offer our love without repayment. That is to say that you can love someone unconditionally but they may not love you unconditionally.

Healthy unconditional love is accepting the person (partner, parent, child) for who they are. It is giving love without expecting a particular outcome or in other words not placing conditions on the love you give. But most importantly it is about establishing boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable in the relationship.

Unhealthy unconditional love is allowing someone (partner, parent, child) to overstep boundaries. In this sense, unconditional is actually just allowing someone to walk all over you. An example of this may be if you allow a parent to criticize you or a partner to cheats on you. Unconditional love doesn’t mean accepting bad behavior that negatively affects you.

While unconditional love does not expect anything in return, if you are in a relationship with someone who you unconditionally love but who does not unconditionally love you back then there is an imbalance in power. Therefore, if you are in a relationship with someone (partner, parent, child) who places conditions on the love they give you then this is not healthy. For example, a partner that only loves you when you are a certain weight or a parent who only loves you when you choose the career that they want for you.

As we found earlier when trying to define love, there is an expectation that love = pain. However, setting clear boundaries will go a long way to eliminating that pain. For example, telling a parent ‘I love you but I will not allow you to tell me what career I must choose’, or to a partner ‘I love you but I will not allow you to constantly speak negatively about my appearance’.

Do you see that self-love plays a key role here? Having a high level of self-worth will help you to recognize unacceptable behavior in relationships and call it out.

“Spend your time on those who love you unconditionally. Don’t waste it on those that only love you when the conditions are right for them.”

Unrequited Love

Love that is not reciprocated.

La douleur exquise (French) the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can never have.

Here is a love that does cause pain or as we found in Berit Brogaard’s definition — intense suffering. It can include love for someone you have never been with or even love for someone you have been with but who no longer returns that love.

It may seem odd then to think that there may be healthy and unhealthy versions of unrequited love but like with all love there are always two sides.

Unhealthy unrequited love is expecting that they will change their mind or worse still trying to get them to change their mind. It can include self-destructive tendencies like trying to break up their relationship (if they are with someone else) or even berating yourself for being so stupid that you would expect them to love you. If you are finding it difficult to move on then speaking with a therapist may help.

When we talk about healthy unrequited love, it is more about learning to accept the situation as it is as that will enable you to move on. Yes, this is easier said than done — love doesn’t just go away, taking time to grieve is important. However, you should never have to fight for someone’s love, and going back to what we learned about self-love this should teach you that you are worthy of love and if someone doesn’t realize that then you shouldn’t waste your time on them.

By focusing on self-love, it will help you to rebuild your confidence and find someone who does love you for who you are.

“Don’t waste your time thinking of someone else who never thinks of you.”

Final thoughts

Love doesn’t have to be the tortured version we’re led to believe it should be. Yes, we feel love with the heart but that doesn’t mean you can’t use your head and rationalize whether the love you have is good or bad. Choose healthy love and you will have healthy relationships. And remember that self-love is the first love you must learn if you want to love and be loved.

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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