If Someone Loves You, Let Them

We’ve all heard the saying, “You can’t love someone until you love yourself.”

Well I think that’s bullshit.

We’re all works in progress. As long as you’re committed to improving every day, making amends when you fuck up, and doing the best you can with integrity, then love is definitely possible.

You just need to stop pushing it away.

Our behavior is a choice.

You don’t need to be a victim of your upbringing or identify with your childhood stories. Not anymore. Yes, it’s hard, and the things that were done to you were shitty, but it’s over.

I know this sounds harsh and overly simplistic, but I want to prove a point, so bear with me.

I understand that you’re wired for survival. That your nervous system is possibly addicted to anxiety, intense relationships, or victimhood. I understand that it takes consciousness, awareness, and repetition of opposing behaviors to let go of those old routines, but you can do it.

You might reject love because you’re deathly afraid losing yourself in a relationship. Reciprocation might feel like someone sucked the air out of the room and the desire from your heart.

Or you might look at that person and think, “Well if they like me, and I think I’m a piece of shit, then what does that say about them? NEXT.”

Just like running a marathon or meeting your weight goal, you’re going to have to do a lot of things out of your comfort zone. There’s no time to waste — the clock is ticking, so there’s no better time than now.

I bet that if you’re reading this you’ve pushed a lot of love out of your life, so how about doing things differently from now on?

A Guide to Accepting Love

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1. Enough with the self-protection.

Notice I didn’t say “self-sabotage,” because most of us don’t. We self-protect in harmful ways.

When it comes to love, most of us use our childhood defense mechanisms to prevent ourselves from getting hurt, but in turn we prevent ourselves from experiencing love, and ultimately, life.

What this takes is a healthy dose of mindfulness and the all-important “being in the present.” To truly let someone love you, you have to stay present. Otherwise, it’s a hamster wheel of rumination and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

2. Stop waiting to fully accept yourself.

Ok, so you’re like most people in the world. Everyone — even the most beautiful people — are insecure. Studies have been done to prove this, so don’t think that rich and good looking people are always happy. They’re not.

In fact, chances are they’re less happy than you.

Take what you’ve been given and realize that some days you’ll love yourself and some days you’ll hate yourself. It’ll pass. Nothing is permanent, and embracing the impermanence of all things, especially life, should serve as a reminder.

You’re going to die, the person who loves you is going to die, and you never know when for either of you.

Fact.

3. Recognize the people who love you.

Who are they? Write them down. Go on, do it.

All of them — parents, exes, present romantic partners, friends, maybe even coworkers — everyone who’d come to your funeral should you die tomorrow.

Look at your list. Are you without love? I bet not. You’re not unloveable; you’re just inundated with toxic beliefs and an unwillingness to get out of your own way.

4. How you do the small things is how you do the big things.

Stop half-assing anything you do and start paying attention to the details. Why? Because if you learn to do the small things with intention, integrity, and love, you can channel the same principle in your relationships.

Love is in the details. It’s remembering moments, birthdays, anniversaries, your partner’s love language, and favorite scent. It’s about asking what they need and telling them what you need. Love is also reciprocal.

If you’re a man, it’s opening the door and pulling out the chair. It’s communicating how you’re feeling, especially if it’s scary, and validating your partner’s feelings.

Never, ever dismiss your partner’s feelings.

It means not focusing on yourself, your beliefs, your stories, and your victimology long enough to listen intently to your partner, even if it’s to hear them complain about their hair.

Be infinitely curious and ask a lot of questions.

Knowing that you’re good at showing love will build up the confidence to receive it.

Why We Won’t Let Someone Love Us

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Common mantras include:

“I’m too insecure.”
“I was abused as a child.”
“I’m afraid I’ll get hurt.”
“I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone.”
“I’m afraid I’ll lose myself in the relationship.”
“I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned.”
“I’m afraid I’ll get stuck and never be able to leave.”
“My parents didn’t work out, so why should we?”

What do these things have in common? They all take place in the future or the past. Nothing present about them.

People who suck at relationships are so busy living in the “what will be” and “what was done to me,” that they fail to see what’s in front of their eyes, today.

I can spot a love rejecter a mile away by the glassy, distant gaze in their eyes. Eyes that move back and forth thinking about possible outcomes or past events, like they’re the central processing unit of the Large Hadron Collider.

They are just not present.

Stop believing your stories.

We all have stories we take into dating and relationships. Stories that we reenact with surprising predictability, yet baffle us nonetheless.

Continuously attracting the same types of partners, or bouncing from one type to another when things don’t work out. We tell ourselves we can’t escape it, or it’s just how we are, preferring to stay in the cage instead of walking out.

We reinforce our stories by choosing the same types of characters, and putting ourselves in the same type of roles.

The antidote is simple.

Choose a different type of partner and don’t reject their love.

Embrace the uncertainty.

You are not exempt from pain no matter what you do. Whether you accept love now or you don’t, there’s no telling what will happen.

Take my grandfather for example.

He married my grandmother when she was 18, had five kids, and never divorced. It wasn’t until she died of heart failure in a bowl of peaches one night, that their marriage came to an end.

A few years later he remarried and stayed with this woman for 25 years, until she died of cancer.

He allowed himself to be loved and outlived two wives in the process. Now he enjoys the love of his family.

What Happens When You Let Someone Love You

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You might just relax long enough to believe your partner — that maybe you are worthy of love, and that you’re not hopelessly flawed and broken.

You might make someone else happy — not by doing something for a change, but by just being. You might even make yourself happy in the process.

Sure there will be times when you’re bored. You want out. If you live in a place like Los Angeles, you might start thinking about the next “shiny object” that’s around every corner.

You might look at your partner and wonder why having sex three times in one night dropped down to three times in the last month, or less.

This is when you need to pull out all the stops. And what I mean by that is getting really, really intimate with each other. Go where you haven’t gone yet. The final frontier.

“What’s your darkest fantasy?”
“Who do you think is hot besides me?”
“What makes you feel connected to me, and why?”
“What would make you feel like a kid again?”
“What do you dream about?”
“What are you feeling in this very moment?”

In other words, keep getting to know your partner, and let them get to know you. The real you.

Look fear in the face and tell it to fuck off. You are not your fear. In fact, you’re not any of your feelings. Stop saying “I am angry” and practice saying “I feel angry.” Stop destroying your relationships by pretending you’re made of your emotions.

That said, increase your emotional vocabulary tenfold. By that I mean acknowledge when you’re feeling disappointed, disgusted, restless, overjoyed, intrigued, irritated, lousy, blessed, deprived, or delighted — the list is long. Use it.

Above all…

Embrace the uncertainty.

Become acutely aware of impermanence.

Accept the fact that no one is exempt from pain.

Stop believing your childhood stories.

Live in the present moment.

And finally…