How To Find the Courage To Start Again

Scared is what you’re feeling. Brave is what you’re doing.

― Emma Donoghue, Room

This is my 95th article in the last 12 months. It’s the 95th time I am risking feeling stuck, stupid, and disheartened at the quality of my writing. It’s the 95th time I am doing it despite my feelings. This article explains why, for me, starting again is the best antidote to failing.

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Until a couple of years ago, I was a mildly obnoxious corporate manager in a multinational company. I was determined to keep climbing till I hit the Chief Marketing Officer ceiling. Then the plan was to swim in that glass bowl until I retired with millions in my bank and lots of trophies in my drawer.

But instead of cashing out, I crashed out. Metaphorically speaking, imagine a full-on collision and the car blows up in flames; I somehow made it out of the burning wreck before it exploded and then passed out from the relief of knowing I survived the scale of the crash.

Then it got worse.

I spent the next couple of years trying to get back on the corporate hamster wheel while I contemplated various hobbies including depression and suicide. I have nothing against the corporate world but I compare the habit of being a corporate dude in the same vein as the habit of smoking; (which I quit only after, the doctor threatened to surgically castrate my tongue). After some years of fun, you realize that the habit is going to kill you but you can’t let go because your mind is hooked to its short-term thrills.

But quitting meant starting again.

I was more afraid than I was eager. I had a hunch that there was another layer of skin, waiting to be born but at the same time I was afraid that it was too late for an old dog like me. Transforming from a manager to a creator seemed an ocean of effort.

For months, I swung on the hammock of procrastination. In hindsight, these words of Eric Roth would have served as a pertinent pick me up.

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay

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Then one day in utter curiosity, I ingested 5 grams of Psilocybin.

If you read about this in the link above you will see how it foundationally altered my perception of my Self and my life. It took a lot of courage in planning and going through with it but it fundamentally changed the landscape of my mind. It showed me that there was a room in my mind with lights on that I have no access to and no consciousness of, yet it had the power to transform my life forever.

Like a secret control room that can see and subtly influence all my thoughts and actions without my awareness- for better or worse.

This is when I experienced the true nature of Courage as the confidence to do something that frightens one for the sake of a worthy goal.

Or as some psychologists came together to define it:

Courage: It is the ability to act for a meaningful (noble, good, or practical) cause, despite experiencing the fear associated with perceived threat exceeding the available resources.

Daniel Putman, a professor at the University of Wisconsin — Fox Valley, states that “courage involves deliberate choice in the face of painful or fearful circumstances for the sake of a worthy goal”. With this realization, Putman concludes that “there is a close connection between fear and confidence”

He goes on to say that fear and confidence in relation to courage can determine the success of a courageous act or goal. They can be seen as the independent variables in courage, and their relationship can affect how we respond to fear. The confidence that is being discussed here is self-confidence; Confidence in knowing one’s skills and abilities (a form of self-knowledge) and being able to determine when to fight fear or when to flight it. He summarises his thinking in the following manner;

“The ideal in courage is not just a rigid control of fear, nor is it a denial of the emotion. The ideal is to judge a situation, accept the emotion as part of human nature and, we hope, use well-developed habits to confront the fear and allow reason to guide our behavior toward a worthwhile goal.”

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For me, the first essential ingredient that gave me the courage to start again was digging for Forgiveness.

I forgave all those who had let me down or had not lived up to what I expected from them. I used the power of forgiveness to let the pain of my past bleed away. In doing so I drained all the anger and jealousy and hate that was pent up. Forgiveness is a healing energy that allows us to let go of the burden and the prison of being a victim into the lightness and freedom of being a survivor. By forgiving my enemies I rediscovered my humility.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
― Mark Twain

I also forgave myself.

I had to empty my heart of self-loathing so that love could flow in. I realized that I had lived a long time in a state of being insufficient. I had used my job and my titles as a scaffold to prop up my mask. They all had to go.

I accepted who I was and then learned to love myself. For better or worse. Through thick and thin. With all my quirks. I gave myself the gift of self-love. I confronted my demons and walked towards them until they began to vanish.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.”
― August Wilson

The second ingredient in my courage to starting again is Focus.

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This has been the hardest force to master. The ability to define the worthy goal that is worth fighting for. It has taken me months to find this constellation in my sky of infinite stars. It has taken me a lot of time and courage to believe that I want to and have the ability to use my words and ideas to help heal and free the suffering minds in the world to awaken. I often worry about the loftiness of the goal and my ability to make a dent but this at least gives me enough courage to continue, for now.

“Everyone has talent. What’s rare is the courage to follow it to the dark places where it leads.”
― Erica Jong

The third ingredient in my courage to starting again is the Force of Will.

This is another energy that is hard to harness. But it is the energy of habit. The ability to write daily and search and find words to help make a case for seeking a higher version of ourselves. I use this force to write and publish in spite of all doubts that come disguised as commitments and excuses and priorities. The force guides my craft with patient and helps me grow deeper roots of quiet confidence in anticipation of the tree I want to be.

For now I am delighted to pen my 95th work of heart. And I am grateful for the courage that helped me get this far.
“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.”
― Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Coda :

Starting again is a heavy load to bear. It will crush you with doubt and goad you to recant. But if you can find the courage to see through the fog of fear and find a worthy goal worth persevering for with your abilities, you will find a path of joy that most will never find. Emerson eloquently said; “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.” I now walk towards my fear with the three musketeers of compassion, a worthy focus, and force of daily practice. And every day I feel stronger and my fear looks smaller. I wish you the same.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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