Some Heal From Pain, Others Weaponize It

Did you know the word “bully” was initially a term of endearment?

It used to mean “sweetheart” and could be said to either sex, but is thought to have initially been a diminutive form of the word “brother”.

But things changed and the term moved from “fine fellow”, to “blusterer” (someone who boasts and makes aggressive but empty threats) to a “harasser of the weak.”

However, this term and the behavior that characterizes it has another dimension to it because it is very difficult to hurt people if you don’t have pain within yourself first. So the bully isn’t just attacking the weak for no reason. The bully was bullied. The bully is weak.

Many children have painful upbringings, and while some heal from their suffering, others weaponize it. The bully weaponizes it.

Bullying isn’t confined to the schoolyard and the classroom and the school bus. It’s as if school never ended because bullies take the same pain from childhood and use it in the boardroom at work and the living room of their family. It’s as if graduation never happened.

But if so many of us have pain within, why do some of us internalize the pain while others externalize it?

To an extent, it is a choice. Family history also plays a role, as does one’s temperament. Parents note their child’s temperament from infancy. Some are more shy and reserved, others are more irritable and aggressive, others are more happy and social.

We’re all different which is why our families are different.

Some single-parent households try to make it work despite the limitations, others are bitter. Some nuclear families are a fake picture of perfection, while others actually talk about the issues they have with each other. Some extended families are communities, others are a hotbed of various conflicts.

There is no prescribed formula for how to make a bully, but the conscious or unconscious decision to take one’s own pain and inflict it on others would have to be made. Thus, the wounded child becomes the child that wounds.

They do this because it is a defense against vulnerability, and vulnerability is seen as a threat. And who knows, maybe they’re right. Maybe they come from a family or community that sees honesty about pain as weakness.

Thus, to gain power, they must demonstrate that they have power by hurting others. The world, unfortunately, believes that if you can harm others that must mean you are strong. They cannot see that it actually means the opposite.

As I said before, it is very difficult to hurt others without having pain within yourself; and those with strength are actually very careful to not hurt others because they know how powerful they are.

The longer the world takes to understand this, the more people will be abused.

That’s why the masters of the martial arts tell their students to use their skills for self-defense. When you can fight, the temptation to hurt others to get what you want is great, but again, does it not stem from insecurity?

Fighting cannot get you everything. Social skills are necessary. Academic and emotional intelligence are necessary.

Therefore, to harass, bully, molest or hurt someone when they’ve done nothing to you is a strong indicator of insecurity and pain that began first in the bully.

Now, it’s come to my attention that bullying prevention is taught at the primary or elementary level but forsaken at the secondary level. That is unfortunate because teenagers are trying to figure themselves out and insecurity is almost a rite of passage.

They don’t have to externalize that pain; it might be internalized but obviously that’s not better. This is especially true because these kids become adults who do the same thing.

I don’t know why schools don’t do more to curb violence in school but I assume that it is because it is overwhelming. It’s too much to handle and the causes behind the bullying start from home, which is not their jurisdiction.

Governments can’t do anything without actual home interventions, but even that could be seen as invasive. So a pamphlet and a conversation at the community center and talk radio will have to suffice.

Having said that, I think there’s a third reason.

I mentioned earlier that the longer the world takes to understand that powerful people actually practice restraint rather than punishment, the more abuse will occur.

People see abusers as strong. They may not like them, but they like the supposed power they wield. I have seen boys who have confessed their fears to me, but once they see someone who is quiet and keeps to themselves, they lash out at them.

I reprimanded the act because the quiet kid needs to be defended. Quiet in and of itself is a good thing, and so is being loud. It’s the context that matters.

I know I have strength, so I don’t abuse the kid who is abusing the quiet kid. That would only reinforce being harsh and punishing as powerful. I don’t even feel the need to do it, because I would only react in an abusive way if I was abusive, insecure and scared.

This is what I wish people would understand.

Being abusive does nothing but telegraph insecurity, and once we know the bully is insecure they will continue for a time but when you don’t react with fear, the same fear that they are trying to escape, they have no choice but to look within or become social pariahs who refuse to deal with the problems that everyone except them can see.

So whether it’s boys or girls, individuals or whole countries trying to get status, attention, belonging or an escape from pain by hurting someone who did nothing to them, we see your insecurity. The only one who doesn’t is you.

You can get the help you need, but you have to stop being in denial about being in denial. It’s a tall order, I know, but as you continue to lash out, the weaker you become as the insecurity grows more and more, robbing you of the agency to attain the security you desperately crave.

The video version of this article can be found here.