A friend of mine continually sends me Linkedin updates of ghosts from our past. From people who we went to school with, to their younger sisters, ex-partners, mothers, cats — you name it. Upon my initial acknowledgment of their existence (after having forgotten about these people entirely), I am presented with my friend’s ignorant narration of their seemingly perfect lives and achievements.
In response to my recent piece, ‘What If There Is Nothing Wrong With You’, many readers thanked me for providing reassurance in a world that does much of the opposite. A little reassurance is something we all need. Especially those who have a gut-wrenching feeling with every ‘Congratulate your connection’, LinkedIn notification.
Here are a few ways you can rest assured that people aren’t doing better than you:
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You’ve Got What They Don’t
Whether you believe in karma or not, there is a harmonious balance of energy and happiness that is evenly distributed amongst the world. When we lust over something that we see in others, we are simultaneously taking advantage of what we do have — which is in return, something others lust over. What is the point of this never-ending unappreciative cycle?
If we take a look at Kylie Minogue’s life, it is every little girl’s dream. Being a renowned pop princess and traveling the world. Yet it never allowed for the right time to fulfill her personal dream; becoming a mum. She hasn’t been afraid to publicly speak about her heartbreak over not becoming a mother and even wrote a song called Flower about it.
After finding fame early on, she rode the wave of her successful international career whilst having a string of failed romances. Whilst many lust over her riches and fame, she longs for the simpler things, that to most, seem perfectly attainable.
“Comparison is the thief of joy” — President Theodore Roosevelt
Similarly, my boyfriend lives with a roommate who is the same age but makes double his wage. As much as this can motivate, it can also cause one to resent — inspire yet sadden. This roommate, however, has always been unlucky in love. He watches our happy relationship with envy in his eyes. He longs for what we have and has spent an incredibly isolated lockdown. What is a bit of spare cash to a lonely heart?
In 2014, Alexis Ren took the world by storm. She was the ‘it girl’ of Tumblr and was dating the hunkiest boy on the scene, Jay Alvarrez. They lived a life of eternal summer, traveled to beautiful locations together, and took photos of their perfect bodies along the way.
Whilst millennials scrolled through Alexis’ Instagram dreaming of being transported to where she was instead of working their dreary 9–5s to save for University, they weren’t aware that her mother was dying behind the scenes. After her mother’s death, Ren developed an eating disorder, which she later opened up about, saying she was in ‘a toxic state of mind’.
Success is relative and happiness proportionate. We are all just as lucky as each other.
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The Future Isn’t Promised
There is no such thing as ‘on-time’. We are all in our respective personal timezones.
‘Suzie’s little sister is a journalist and getting shipped off to Washington DC, meanwhile, I’m here doing my third degree and not even started my first law job. It’s just funny seeing people younger than us making it, you know?’.
This is a recent message I received from a friend. The same friend who built up the courage to turn her life around last summer and do what was contrary to the advice of everyone around her. To drop her established career in medicine and follow her new passion for law.
This surprised me coming from her as those who dare to follow ‘irrational logic’ for the sake of their dreams know first hand the illusion of success. The fact that someone has climbed the ladder doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll stay there forever — nor does it mean they want to.
As a certified cardiologist, many people referred to her as someone who had ‘made it’ in her respective field. Perhaps, this young journalist is also yet to discover her passion for marine biology and have to start all over?
Discovery is just as valuable of a chapter as any that seem more concrete and definitive. We have a tendency of judging other’s lives as if they are on their final chapter. As if they’ve figured it all out and this is now their career, partner, and circumstance forever.
We fail to see their career downfall next year, divorce in the next five, or life-changing accident around the corner. People cannot be happy and lucky all of the time. By assuming so, we spend precious time missing the luck in our own lives.
‘Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle, or your middle to someone else’s end. Don’t compare the start of your second quarter of life to someone else’s third quarter’ — Tom Hiller
Life is made up of so many things. We cannot simply assume that by having one, a person is content. We’re restless creatures by habit, who always strive and long for more.
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Contentment Is Unique To Everyone
Different things fulfill different people. From the outside looking in, it can be very easy to lust over something that another possesses and assume that it would bring you ultimate happiness. Perhaps, for this person, it doesn’t carry as much weight as it does to you? Perhaps, this person’s priorities are different? Perhaps, this person didn’t ask for this at all?
If you were on a deserted island — would your progress matter? When you identify the reasons behind why you’re ‘falling behind’, would this grievance be as intense if you were the last person on Earth? — No, because comparison requires the existence of others.
Are we simply keeping up with a sociological timeline? A social construct? We judge our progress with the progress of those around us. People in our hometown, those our age, wealth, or gender. We often feel as though we are being watched and feel the need to ‘keep up’ with expectations.
What if we began to only live up to our own expectations. We allowed ourselves the patience to understand that everyone’s story is different and there isn’t a possible way to compare anyone to…anyone.
The dangerous thing about achieving for show is that with the street-cred of supposed success comes dissatisfaction.
Commonly referred to as Paradise Syndrome; “when a person suffers a feeling of dissatisfaction despite having achieved all their dreams”. It is often applied to individuals of great wealth and success who feel they no longer have anything left to accomplish.
Effectively, attainment eradicates their satisfaction. Lecturer Dr. Yong Wah says it reflects “a narcissistic era, causing us to constantly readjust our benchmarks, so too much is never enough”.
We’ve seen it in the 27 Club. The endless list of celebrities that ‘make it’ in their short lives and amongst their exhausted successes they fall prey to accomplishment. ‘What now?’ their soul asks. Ultimately leading them to entertain their dissatisfaction in dangerous ways.
To chase only our own authentic desires at only the time that feels right for us is the only way to remain ‘on time’ for our personal journey train.
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With highlight reels of glamorous lives so easily accessible, it is easy to see how society has normalized the unattainable. However, without the lows, it’s impossible to feel the highs.
When we take pride in the decisions we make and not allow ourselves to doubt at the mere sight of a different kind of success, we can be inspired but not phased.
It’s the oldest story in the book; appreciate what you have because you never know when it will no longer be yours.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Eutah Mizushima on Unsplash
