3 Steps Towards Achieving a Secure Attachment Style

As we go back and forth on our relationship status from single to ready to mingle and single again, we often notice a pattern that fills the loop-holes.

Understanding why relationships are falling apart is crucial if one consciously wants to improve framing a healthy network of people around them.

In our dating world, we meet dates that show ambivalent or avoidant attachment styles. And as much as we try to compromise and fit-in with them, we fail, and the relationship does not sustain.

If we study the attachment styles in-depth, the most sought after is the “secured attachment style.” Which is somehow NOT as simple to execute as it may sound, and all the statistics show.

Why? Because we rarely consider ourselves insecure. We are always our secured self; even an avoidant person can claim he/she feels secure for who they are. We rarely can criticize ourselves, and if things do not go correct, then the other person is wrong.

Then the question arises, what indeed is the secured attachment style. As well as, is it possible to change between the attachment styles.

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Begin with identifying your attachment style.

The first step to any behavioral change depends on the maturity to acknowledge our present state.

To become a winner, one needs to know where they are and who they are. Incapable of sensing your failures will never give you satisfactory results or even the ones we desire.

Accepting that your pattern of attaching with people in any kind of relationship can give you a clear definition of why and how you manage to create the chaos that finally ends in detachment.

The process of identification is simple —

Read about the attachment styles. Not just one article on the web-page, but multiple to precisely understand how one can define each of the attachment styles uniquely. Many times, one person can fit into more than one kind of attachment. However, when understood precisely, one can differentiate between the many.
Write/journal your thoughts regarding your behaviors and expectations so far from your close relationships. These relationships could be with parents, siblings, best friends, and romantic partners.
Pay close attention to yourself every time a challenging situation comes to face. Find the spots representing your anxieties and find the answer to why you are feeling that way.

Feeling secure with who you are and accepting being alone.

The best way to commence the switch to a secured style is to feel secure within yourself.

Accept the attachment style, decide the parts of your behavior, and think you want to change or improve.

It is completely normal to be anxious and/or avoidant. We all have different faces embodying various emotions arising from completely unique encounters.

We feel lonely, and eventually, we go crazy. We seek people who will fulfill our dreams and make us feel good. This indeed creates an ambiance where the person in front will go exhausted from giving and giving.

Ways to re-build self-confidence and self-satisfaction —

Take yourself out on a solo date and a solo trip.
Spend at least 24 hours with yourself doing activities you like, solo
Keep repeating to yourself that you are a secure human being, and you are developing a confident attachment style.
When facing a detachment situation or hurt, remind yourself that you are there for YOU, and no one else can make you happy.
Practice mindfulness and visualize yourself being a secure person.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Try practicing CARRP every day.

When we read about individual attachment styles, we come across the abbreviation CARRP — consistency, availability, reliability, responsiveness, and predictability.

CARRP defines a secure attachment style and something that we all desire from a relationship.

The best way to practice the same is to remind ourselves that we need to become each of the characteristics under CARRP to attract someone who does the same. People mirror us with our emotions and behavior. Hence, we cannot expect someone to treat us a certain way unless we reciprocate the same.

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Things to remember in terms of relationships and expectations —

No one is perfect, not even a secure person;

Everyone has their list of likes and dislikes. Hence we cannot compare ourselves with anyone concerning what they think is right or wrong;

Being an adult, we need to be grounded and responsible for ourselves and our improvement. Eventually, we can think about seeking and doing the same for others;

Unless we are happy with who we are, we cannot expect others to fulfill the need.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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