The Emotional Bank Account for Couples

Dr. John Gottman coined the term ‘emotional bank account’ as it relates to couples. John believes couples who ‘turn toward’ each other, rather than away from each other, are building an emotional savings account.

Recently, I listened to a podcast where John and Julie Gottman share their love story with Dr. Brené Brown. The ideas and gift of their story, the longevity of their relationship, and how this was a second marriage for each of them. The hour-long topic inspired me to see even they believe relationships can last.

He refers to the ‘little things,’ which couples do for each other as deposits in the emotional bank account. The savings account acts as a buffer to protect your relationship during difficult times.

Gottman and others believe successful couples who stay together have between 5–20 more positive interactions than negative. They build up a reserve, which connects the partners when disagreements, struggles, or negativity strikes.

Complete the following activity:

• Sit down with your partner/spouse and discuss the little things in your relationship that mean a lot to you. Be specific. Tell him/her about the things you appreciate, what you enjoy, your favorite ways to spend time together and so on.

✓ Use this information to make daily deposits to the emotional bank account.
✓ Consider ways you can build these ideas into date night.
✓ Surprise her/him occasionally by initiating one of the favorites you discussed.
✓ When your partner/spouse does these little things, acknowledge it — say thank you for…

• If you want/need something specific, tell your partner/spouse — mind-reading is not helpful and will destroy connection. For example, “I would really appreciate a shoulder rub.” Or “When you go upstairs, can you bring me a cup of coffee? I’d appreciate your help here.”

Look for things you can do for each other — without keeping score. Remember, relationships build an emotional cup for reserves when you hit bumps in the road of togetherness. Keeping score, however, destroys relationships.

Think twice when you start keeping a check list of things you have done versus what your partner has done. These types of connection do not build your love they ruin connection. Each of the areas on this action plan will help you build your emotional love bank.

~Just thought by Pamela

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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