5 Signs You’re Unknowingly Controlling Your Partner

Relationships are complex machines.

Like most complex machines, they’re often difficult to interpret. Many of these machines, like computers, have the advantage of being able to scan themselves to uncover any hidden errors that could be messing things up.

Sadly, human beings don’t have this advantage.

Most of us are unable to take an objective look at ourselves and highlight our own faults. Either because we’re simply incapable of doing so, or because it’s too painful. This is especially true when it comes to our relationships.

No villain ever thought he was the villain of his own story. This is why it’s not always clear when we’re beginning to engage in controlling behavior with our significant other.

If you’re worried you might be heading in a dangerous direction in the way you treat your partner, or if this behavior has been brought to your attention by others, the following might be of some assistance.

Here are 5 signs you’re unknowingly controlling your partner.

Implied negativity

According to the Office of National Statistics, couples spend an average of two and a half hours around each other every day.

Spread over the course of months, years, and decades, that’s a heck of a long time.

While it presents plenty of opportunities to get to know each other better and explore the more positive side of your relationship, it could develop into a nightmare if you begin to display toxic tendencies.

For example, comments made under your breath and implied insults can be devastating to your partner’s mental health and wellbeing.

• “My, that dress has sure gotten tight, hasn’t it?”
• “When was the last time you took a shower?”
• “You don’t need to worry your little head about things like that.”

In using implied negativity, as opposed to stating your actual meaning and being honest, you partially alleviate potential backlash from your comments.

Whether you realize you’re doing this or not, it’s a coward’s tactic and can be devastating in the wrong hands.

If your partner is strong-willed and outspoken, like mine, there’s no chance they will take comments like these sitting down. They know exactly what you mean and they’ll damn well let you know about it.

If, on the other hand, your partner is more of a reserved, shy and passive person, they’ll likely take comments like these to heart far more than you realize.

It’s the equivalent of stabbing your partner with a needle every single day. Sure, it doesn’t hurt that much. But do it too many times and they’ll undoubtedly bleed to death eventually.

In short, keep comments like these to yourself. Be open with your words and say what you mean. Nobody has any need or want for underhanded methods like this.

And if you don’t have anything nice to say, adopt my Grandmother’s favorite mantra and don’t say anything at all. It costs nothing to be kind.

An over-protective nature

In all loving relationships, we want what’s best for our partners. That’s natural.

But it’s easily possible for this desire to turn into something harmful.

Do you find yourself questioning if your partner should be doing certain things? How about doing certain things with certain people?

While some may see this as an attentive partner looking out for their other half, if it begins to happen too often over the smallest of details, it’s a definite sign of controlling behavior.

The sad fact is that it’s almost always born out of insecurity rather than fear for your partner’s wellbeing.

• “You shouldn’t wear that. People will be looking at you.”
• “Oh, he’s going to the party, is he? Guess I’ll have to come too.”
• “Are you sure you want to stay out that late? That’s not a good idea.”

If you find yourself saying things like this to your partner, question your own motives before you open your mouth.

Are the potential actions of others driving your insecurity? Then perhaps it would be best to let the chips fall where they may — it’s nothing to do with your partner.

If, however, your feelings come from a place of experience with your partner, and you fear they may betray your relationship in one way or another, there could be some deep-seated trust issues at play.

Either way, they are their own person and they should be allowed to make their own decisions without any unnecessary swaying from you.

Altering your partner’s perception in the eyes of others

They say a first impression should be the best impression. But that isn’t to say that impression can’t be somehow shifted, especially by those who know us best.

There can be times in a controlling relationship when one member of the two-person unit will unknowingly, or knowingly, begin to soil the reputation of his or her partner in the eyes of others.

You both might be out at a party or bump into friends randomly and strike up a discussion. As the conversation continues, the controlling partner may jump on an opportunity to insult his spouse publically. It happens more than most are will to admit.

You’ve probably seen it happen in person.

There are multiple trains of thought as to why this happens. A logical theory is that one partner is seeking to portray himself or herself as the dominant party in the relationship.

According to relationship expert Caroline Brealey, speaking in the Evening Standard:

“I don’t necessarily think it’s an indication that the relationship isn’t going well. It could just be a sign that someone is trying to be the dominant one, that they’re trying to be funny and showy-offy, but also fit in and impress.”

On the other hand, there are several much darker reasons why you may be consistently putting your partner down in public:

• You’re inflating your own ego in some sick way
• You’re trying to present your partner as unlikeable, in the hope he/she will become less sociable
• You’re creating the impression your partner’s reputation relies solely on your word

When phrased like that, public shaming and humiliation of your partner clearly show a controlling nature. It’s something that should be nipped in the bud as soon as becomes obvious.

Taking control of your partner’s finances (without permission)

Money makes the world go round. It is the basis of everyone’s security and future.

That’s why it makes sense you might want to look out for your partner’s finances. Especially if they’re not the best at money management.

But this becomes an issue when one of two things happens:

• You begin withholding money from your partner
• You place yourself in charge of their finances without their say-so

First off, if there are some basic money problems going on, there’s no shame in asking for some advice or even a little help from your partner.

However, the second you take the helm of the money ship from your partner forcefully, we’ve got a problem. A criminal one.

Whether or not you feel as though your partner can’t be trusted with cash, it is a criminal offense to deprive them of access to their own bank accounts.

Then again, maybe you’re not trying for their own good. Maybe your insecurities have gotten the better of you again and you’re doing everything you can to limit your partner’s ability to shop, travel and see friends.

Whatever your motivation, this kind of decision-making cannot be tolerated and should be treated for exactly what it is — abuse.

In short, stop trying to control someone else’s money. You have absolutely no right.

Constant companionship

Remember the early days of your relationship when you were all over each other 24/7? Remember how cute that was?

Well, that kind of connection is all well and good temporarily. But if you begin to seek out your partner’s companionship every hour of every day, as much as humanly possible, there’s something wrong.

It sounds romantic when we say we’re “addicted” to someone. But the truth is, in most cases, it’s anything but romantic. And it’s indicative of controlling behavior.

If your need to be around your partner starts to negatively impact their home, work, or social life, you need to make some serious changes in your own image of what a relationship should look like.

Start by asking yourself why you feel the need for constant companionship…

Are you a lonely person?

Are you paranoid about your partner’s safety?

Are you scared they might leave you?

Regardless of your motivations, you’re causing far more damage to your relationship in doing what you’re doing than could ever be caused by giving your partner space.

Besides, space is healthy in a relationship. Just because we’re totally committed to another person doesn’t mean we can’t still be committed to ourselves and our own “me time.”

Allow your partner as much space as he or she wants and stop trying to spend as much time as you can in their presence. Otherwise, you risk falling into the Controlling bracket of abusers, whether you realize it or not.

To sum up:

• Sly insults are for cowards. Say what you mean or shut up.
• Your partner is not a baby chick. They don’t need your constant protection.
• Stop trying to make others see your partner in a certain way. Worry about how they’re seeing you as a result.
• You’re both adults. Learning how to handle money is a part of life. Let your partner do as they wish.
• Hanging around all the time is closer to stalking than it is to sexy. Give your partner room to breathe.

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Previously Published on medium

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