What I Learned About My Spouse During the Pandemic

As I sat in a chair ten feet from my wife, I witnessed her call someone an idiot over a Zoom call. Only, it didn’t sound like she called the person an idiot. She did it nicely. It went unnoticed by everyone except me. During the pandemic, I learned a ton about my wife. I didn’t realize she had the ability to have a work meeting and wrap an insult in the verbiage of professionalism so stunningly gift-wrapped that it sounded like a compliment. In fact, the person on the receiving end was smiling.

Look, I’ve been called an idiot by my wife a ton over the last twenty years. When I grabbed a live car battery down in Mexico to impress her, she was blunt with her idiot calling. When I took the kids across an 88-year-old wooden bridge in my minivan—there weren’t any niceties to what she called me. And when she found out in high school, I wore plastic shoes because I thought they were cool, she called me a fashion idiot. She has never hidden it so well that I couldn’t wait to talk to her again.

Or did she?

Great, now this is going to keep me up all night. Over the past year with many spouses working side by side for the first time in our lives, we saw a different side to them that is often hidden. The work laughs that lack sincerity but only because we know them so well. The half-smiles that are supposed to project interest, but you know the look because she gave it to you when you told her about your fantasy football team. And sometimes, their ability to handle people so well that some of us feel a bit cheated. I want to be handled like that.

We also saw how confident they can be when the pressure is on. I was always impressed with the way my wife could take charge during a crisis and focus. Her shoulders seem straighter when this happened. As if not only can they take the weight, but they are asking for more. I mean, we always believe this, but to see it happen in real life is very impressive.

Sometimes I would catch myself whispering “Hell yeah, baby! Get it!” It is possible that some of her co-workers or clients might have heard that one. Which I would be ok with. I have always been my wife’s biggest cheerleader.

There’re other things that I noticed, too. For example, she loves to hoard all my pens and post-it notes. My normally clean desk sometimes looked like a warzone. And Lord help you if you touch her chair. She was almost feral about her space. I understand, but c’mon, it was my space first. If I moved something because I had a deadline to finish at night, I was the idiot that better put it back before her morning coffee.

I also noticed that she enjoys a very large collection of Starbucks coffee cups. The lady has a problem.

There were times where she didn’t notice anything. She would get so locked in on work and meetings that she forgot other people in the house that needed to attend class and have conference calls. I got more than one text asking me to kick everyone off the internet because she was on a client call.

At work, she is used to being in charge and having all the resources to make things work. Because that’s what it all comes down to: problem-solving. She sets a goal and lord help anyone that is in the way of that. Sometimes it was the kid’s math class and I would have to remind her that we were also a bit busy.

But overall, what I really learned about my wife was how highly she thought of me. I mean, we all hope that’s the case. But after you tell your wife that you think it’s a good idea to build a guillotine with the children, I’ve had my doubts.

The pandemic has seen an increase in divorces. As a freelancer, I’ve written my fair share of lawyer advertisements over the last year. People that aren’t used to spending 24 hours around each other seem to let the small things grow and grow until they are a problem. Then there is the other side. The pandemic brought my wife and me closer. I didn’t think it was possible.

Almost every day I would hear my wife telling a room full of people that I didn’t know about something that I had written. A piece of satire or a parenting essay that hit home for her. And the smile she had when she told these people that was genuine. I should know, I’ve been trying to get it for 26 years. And there it was, every day.

Often, I think her company knows more about my writing than I do. When I give an interview to a news outlet, she tells the story to people I don’t know. When I get a piece published, she posts it with her own thoughts. They laugh and will spend a good five minutes talking about something that I did. She seems to like to talk about my book The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad as much as I do. And when she does, the look I see, the one that I love, is one of pride.

For as much as I am my wife’s biggest cheerleader, what I learned about her this past year is that she is also mine. Except at a level that I wasn’t aware of. It’s very humbling.

Although, to be honest, the next time she calls me an idiot I want her to do her voodoo, so I feel good about it.

—

PRE-ORDER: