Dating Advice for Men: 3 Essential First Date Tips Written by a Woman

It’s impossible to guess what women are looking for on a first date. If you really want to conquer the wild world of dating, your best bet is to see what actual women have to say. Simply taking advice from other men probably won’t be too useful: a woman’s perspective can shed more light on which behaviors actually come across well, hopefully leading to a second date. By reading this, you’re already making a solid step towards success.

Take it from me, a girl who has been on countless first dates in multiple cities and used her fair share of dating apps: the first date is extremely important. Everything from the planning to the meet-up itself gives me valuable information about how compatible (or disastrous!) a match might be. The advice I am sharing with you is based off of my conversations with other women, the common complaints we have about dating, and the key moments when men have managed to impress us.

For each of three essential elements of a first date — the place, the conversation, and the end — I’ve laid out examples of a mistake to avoid, a successful “winning move,” and a fallback trick to help ensure that things go smoothly. Read ahead to learn what women really want to see from you!

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The PLACE:

The Mistake: Fancy dinner.

I never have dinner on the first date. My friends and I generally shudder at the idea of committing to a full meal with a new guy. Imagine being stuck waiting on über-slow table service for two hours while the conversation fizzles… If you have tons to talk about, it could turn out fine, but the risks (and the pressure) outweigh the rewards. Keep it simple with an evening drink at a bar. If either you or she doesn’t drink, try a weekend coffee date or just order a mocktail!

The Winning Move: A great location.

Guys, please do not choose a bar right around the corner from your apartment. This might not seem so weird, but it happened to me once. When I found out how close my date lived, his choice of location suddenly seemed lazy and — honestly — a bit creepy. Contrary to popular belief, it’s also perfectly acceptable to see if the woman has a suggestion. If she’s indecisive (or new in town, like me), at least try to meet in the middle. Use the all-powerful Yelp to your advantage here and find a mutually convenient option. It’s simple, but underrated: my roommate practically swooned when a Bumble match actually offered to find a spot in her neighborhood.

The Fallback: A solid plan.

Remember, a gal’s time is valuable! This means: no night-of texts (unless you’re looking to hook up, this is not the way), no “how about sometime on Friday,” and no last-minute timing changes. At the very least, try to plan somewhat concretely and in advance. Check in day-of, but don’t be pushy about it.

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The CONVERSATION:

The Mistake: “No really, you should…”

A huge turn-off for many women is when a guy doesn’t know when to quit pressuring her. If you’re really into some life-changing or fix-all habit — strength training, meditation, or another activity — mention it if you want. However, if your date says it’s not for her, let it go and find a more mutual topic. Even if she’s never tried it, being pushy will probably make her feel invalidated. To be safe: if she isn’t enthusiastic, don’t waste your time rehashing the same point. Drop it and move on!

The Winning Move: Nerd out!

When you do discover a common passion, let yourself get excited! If you are both fascinated by a specific TV genre, tell her when you got into it, and which shows you’ve loved the most. Whether it’s something more general or totally niche, getting a bit geeky about a mutual interest is definitely attractive. No conversation is dull if both of you are genuinely invested in the topic. Plus, it shows off your individual confidence — there’s nothing sexier than that.

The Fallback: Stick to the present.

It’s just your first date, so keep it light! Ask her about activities she enjoys and places she wants to travel to. Share some funny stories and discuss things like entertainment or music. Unless she’s really open from the get-go, it’s a smart idea to steer clear of big questions about a woman’s past, future, OR private life. (On that note, don’t overshare about yourself.)

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The END:

The Mistake: *swoops in for an awkward kiss*

DO NOT force a first kiss if the moment isn’t right. Even if you’re totally attracted and you think she feels the same, don’t try too hard to make a kiss happen. If the match really is a good one, you’ll have another chance. It’s just not worth making her feel awkward or uncomfortable if there isn’t an easy opportunity. If in doubt, try to read her body language and maybe opt for a hug.

The Winning Move: “I’ll get the bill.”

When it comes to the bill, the best choice is simple: just pay it. Frankly, most women will appreciate the gesture. If she insists on going Dutch, though, let her! Maybe she really wants to set a precedent of equality right off the bat, or she prefers to split the cost than to risk feeling like she “owes” you anything. This is just the first date. The takeaway here: assertively offer to pay but be open to an exception.

The Fallback: “Get home safely!”

As a courtesy, whether you enjoyed your date or have zero desire to see her again, ask if she has safe transportation home. I don’t recommend offering to drive her home though (unless this was previously discussed), because getting in a new acquaintance’s car is usually the last thing a girl wants. Overall, tread lightly: offering to call her a cab is perfectly nice, but if she clearly refuses, allow her to get home on her own. For example, I live in Manhattan. Sure, a guy might be reasonably concerned for my safety, but if I say I feel comfortable? Respect it.

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Finally, just be yourself. Confidence is as important as anything else on this list, and if you try too hard to hide who you are, you won’t be attracting women who are truly a good match for you anyway. Regardless of how secure or nervous you are, bad dates happen. Just by keeping these points in mind, you will avoid a lot of the common mistakes that turn a woman off. A lot of men’s dating advice on the internet is written by other men, but I am confident that you will be better off getting tips from women themselves. If you’re ever in doubt about what a woman wants — ask her!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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