“Did you actually want to be on that date?”
I asked a client of mine a few months ago.
“No”, she replied sullenly.
A few minutes prior she was telling me about the crappy date she had just been on.
I listened, I held space, I felt for her.
There’s a particular kind of awful feeling I imagine she was sitting in. The combination of frustration, disappointment, and knowing she should have trusted her gut all in one cocktail of “meh”.
It definitely sucks getting ready, going all the way out, and sitting through dinner just to realize “Wow, I really wasted my time here.”
The scenario and outcome were nothing new. It felt like a déjà vu to a conversation with a different client a few months prior.
Why do we do it?
Why do we go through the motions and go on dates when in our heart of hearts we know we don’t want to be there?
Understand what’s happening
There are 2 ways to approach dating. One is through the lens of fear, scarcity, and competition.
“If I don’t swipe every day and go on 3 dates a week I’ll never meet someone” {Fear}
“If I don’t agree to meet this person who’s at least showing some interest in me, I’ll be alone forever” {Scarcity}
“Everyone around me is getting married. I’m the last single friend in my group, I don’t want to be left behind and excluded” {Competition}
Realize the Impact
What’s not happening when we’re approaching our dating life from a place of fear, scarcity, and competition is the ability to make clear choices, see people for who they are, and experience actual connection and intimacy.
To put it bluntly, you’re wasting your time, risk burning out, and the experience of feeling defeated over and over.
Many women find me at the end of that cycle, having gone around and around enough times, wanting something different.
There’s an opportunity for dating to feel easy, in flow, connected. To embody personal power, generosity, and actually create space for a partnership.
Check Your Approach
Your only goal in dating should be to become so self-aware, that you can catch yourself and do the work to shift out of any fear, scarcity, or competitive behavior you approach your love life with.
Otherwise, you simply won’t have the experience that’s possible for you. You’ll wake up one day realizing you’ve settled for a connection that’s a bad fit or feel stuck in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met.
Get connected to what you really offer in a relationship.
Get connected to what it is you’re really desiring in a partner.
Get connected to why you’re looking to bring someone into your life.
Without clear answers to those questions you’re moving through your dating life unconsciously and bringing people along for the ride.
Dating requires intention. It also requires a level of self-honesty and awareness that isn’t always pleasurable to drop into and unfortunately, so many avoid. The more time you invest with yourself on the front end the richer the experience that lies ahead of you. Your dating life and you deserve it.
Thanks for reading! Molly is dating and relationship coach for high-achieving, single women in their 30s. Attend her next masterclass here.
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Previously Published on medium
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