Decoding the Indian Marriage System

Let me start by answering a few questions for you —

Did I have an arranged marriage? Yes
Was I forced into an arranged marriage? No
Am I happy with my decision to do an arranged marriage? Yes

…

I am still a newbie to the whole ‘being married’ thing but I have been learning and unlearning a lot of things about marriages since the past year and a half.

I did not initially plan to agree to have an arranged marriage, but observing others’ experiences and having my own, has helped me bust a lot of stereotypes about arranged marriages.

I do not view arranged marriages as a regressive, patriarchal and a forced relationship anymore. I see it as an easy route to social conformity. My views may seem biased as so far I have only witnessed the good side of arranged marriages but I still feel the good side needs to be told just as much as the bad side is ranted up on.

…

Arranged marriages are an age-old tradition in India. As the Hindu way of life developed in ancient India, caste and religion came to play an important role in people’s cultural affairs, including marriage. The Indian society was divided into strict caste hierarchies and social norms were created with an intent to keep the caste boundaries intact.

The system of arranged marriages evolved to endure and strengthen the concepts of caste endogamy (marriages within the same caste/sub-caste/community/group) and gotra exogamy (marriages outside one’s gotra). In other words, Hindu marriages must happen within one’s own caste but outside one’s gotra.

Gotra refers to a group of people who are believed to have descended from a common male ancestor. Marriages within the same gotra are prohibited by customs and are considered to be incest.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

In olden days, traditions of arranged marriages were followed rigorously and any instance of inter caste or inter religious marriages met a deadly fate. Arranged marriages were also seen as an institution which helped patriarchy flourish and while all these claims bear substance, it is unfair to view the system today, in the light of the past.

With time, Indian society has evolved and it is important to acknowledge that.

…

You Don’t Have To Prove Anything To Anyone:

I am a strong supporter of inter-caste and inter-religious marriages, but I chose to do an arranged marriage. Does that make me a hypocrite?

No. It does not.

As a modern Indian millennial, you are entitled to your opinions on caste, gender and religions but you don’t necessarily have to hate the system to prove your point. You can’t be saying no to same-caste and arranged marriages simply because you want to prove that there is nothing wrong in inter-caste marriages or same-caste marriages are regressive. Unless you already have someone in life, who is from a different caste and you see a future with him/her, I do not see how conforming to the system of same caste marriages can hurt you!

You agreed for an arranged marriage — that does not make you oppressed, conservative or old school.

Photo by rajat sarki on Unsplash

All Marriages Demand Compromises:

There is a perceived undertone to arranged marriages that the relationship is born out of compromise. A lot of times, this is not true.

Compromise is an important part of a life in general and of any relationship in particular. It is true that our parents’ generation made many sacrifices and compromises to keep their marriage going, but unless that compromise is against abuse, domestic violence or any kind of exploitation, I don’t see it very negatively.

A couple makes compromises in love marriages too. They argue, they fight, they hurt each other and still continue being together because they love each other. So, why are the same fights, arguments and unpleasant silences in an arranged marriage tainted as unfortunate, helpless and unhealthy?

It is not easy to make a marriage work. Married lives are bumpy and prior relationship or love with the partner makes the navigation easier, but if you feel you are stuck in your marriage because you did an arranged one, I’d disagree with you!

You can have an arranged marriage and still not fall for patriarchal lifestyle:

How?

You and your partner can decide to live separately, not necessarily with your in-laws.With nuclear families replacing the joint family system, many couples opt to live separately after marriage. Traditionally, after marriage, girls in India moved to her husband’s house and lived with his family.
You can set your expectations clear, from the very beginning. Conventionally, girls were expected to remain housewives after marriage. The entire responsibility of managing the house, the family and raising children was put on the shoulders of the women. With changing times, we see a dynamic shift in this area. More and more number of girls prefer to work after marriage and household responsibilities are divided equally among both partners.Cooking and Cleaning is a Basic Life Skill & Not a Gender Role
You can choose not to change your lifestyle.Marriage is a life-changing event, a one where you voluntarily agree and decide to live with someone but you do not necessarily have to change your lifestyle. Your husband is not your responsibility but paying your share in the bills and managing work life balance is! You can wear the clothes you like and party with friends — everything you wish to, even in an arranged marriage because you entail freedom to live your life, irrespective of how you chose your partner!

…

Lastly, If You Are Afraid That You May Never Find Love In An Arranged Marriage:

Let me share an anecdote with you:

Earlier this year in January, my maternal grandmother got detected with post COVID symptoms of low oxygen levels and lung damage. We rushed her to the hospital but did not get a very promising response from the doctors. She is almost 75 and had about 80 percent lung damage. Doctors were unsure if she could fully recover or not.

Those 12 days were dreadful for all of us in the family. My mother and my aunt took turns to stay the night at the hospital while my sister and I managed things at home. We all were in a lot of stress, anxiety, fear and gloominess, but the worst among us was our grandpa.

He is an old man in his mid 80s, ageing very prominently, has a faint hearing and tends to forget things easily. He was as if devastated by the fact that my grandma may not make it. For the first time, we saw him so helpless, so alone and so emotional. He could barely eat anything. When we took him to the hospital to meet grandma, he could not hold his tears in and so for the first few days, he didn’t go inside her room because he knew that seeing him cry would make my grandma weak. He kept praying with watery eyes and it broke us to see him like that.

He loves my grandma. He could not bear the thought of spending even a single day without her. He wanted to care for her and could not see her circled with oxygen pipes and injections. It was the purest form of love I have ever come across.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Photo by Nani Chavez on Unsplash

My grandma is a fighter and so she made it and the worst was over for us. I know this is not a very unique story but here’s the thing — My grandparents had an arranged marriage and they have been married for 50 years, with love.

I have seen some of the best love stories emerge from arranged marriages. Love is a very subjective topic and it really varies from couple to couple, but I know that love eventually follows in every relationship. If you fear not being able to love your partner because you did an arranged marriage, you may want to reconsider.

The best thing about love is that it is found in abundance in all of us. It is really up to you to build your love life in an arranged marriage, because if you really make the effort, love will follow!

…

Over time, my opinions may change but for now, all I want to say is —