Apologies are essential. It is also critical to mean what you say when apologizing. We need genuine apologies for a healthy way to move on from the hurt inflicted by someone we love. Otherwise, we develop emotional scars. Asking for and receiving forgiveness also deepens feelings of trust and loyalty.
We are all too familiar with backhanded apologies. It is easy to acknowledge them, shake your head, and walk away. But what other admissions of guilt are worth walking away from as well? Of course, the ones where it is clear your boo is lying count. Plus, these three that we are about to discuss today.
Here are a few apologies to make you say, “I thought we were going to be more open and honest with each other from now on?”.
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A rush of feelings
It is a natural tendency to want to comfort your partner when you have hurt them. Kiss the pain away. Show loving forms of affection. But tenderness is a short-term atonement for your earlier actions. Therapists would consider this as emotional manipulation and a negative coping mechanism.
Be honest with yourself. Honesty will help you understand why you choose to apologize through touch.
- Do you dislike emotional distance?
- Are you trying to avoid talking?
- Is it an attempt to distract your partner?
- Do you want comfort or intimacy before doing a difficult task?
- Do you hate yourself for looking them in the eye while lying?
If you know your motivator, you can address it and work towards giving sincere apologies. Unresolved small fights lead to dissatisfaction and frustration. It can feel like a pattern. With the same arguments coming up again, then being squashed by make-up sex.
At first, it is tricky finding a compromise. Men and women prefer different forms of conflict resolution. Men think make-up sex is the best solution, while women desire an apology and time together.
The kicker is you never had to choose. This possibility is the reason self-reflection is essential. Make-up sex or cuddling can follow a sincere and intentional apology. Both parties deserve more than to act like the problem does not upset them.
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The words you never asked for
Tears and pained looks implore empathy. They make some feel compelled to jump in and help, while others look away.
I understand this emotional response all too well. I am a total cry baby. If there is emotional build-up before a show character dies, I will snot-cry like I knew the person. Without fail, every time.
If I get emotional or frustrated about a situation, I also cry. This reaction does not mean I would want people to make a promise they cannot keep. It means quite the opposite. I would prefer if the person ripped off the band-aid when they are present to provide emotional support. Let me know the solution I want cannot happen.
Sincerity isn’t what we think the person wants to hear. But a vow to change for the better. You can start with one small modification to your behavior.
Always try to make promises you can keep. Pace yourself. If you make a promise and don’t keep it, this small thing becomes a big issue. It makes the supposed plea for forgiveness less earnest. Remember to go small; actions rebuild trust.
An apology is a promise to do things differently next time and to keep the promise. — from Hunter × Hunter, a Japanese manga series written and illustrated by Yoshihiro Togashi
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They didn’t try at all.
Imagine that you are going to cheat on your partner. This event does not “just” happen; there is planning leading up to the moment. In this case, you send a text. They respond.
You leave from wherever you are to get to them. On a day when Murphy’s law is in effect, you still press on and show up messy, ready to cheat. At all these points, you could have stopped yourself, but you did not.
A simple sorry is not enough. Be transparent with your partner about why you did it to work on the issue in the relationship. Or break up when you have had enough. If not, you risk making the same mistake because of an unresolved behavioral trigger.
It looks like we are not trying when we apologize for the same mistakes several times. Our partners and emotional health deserve better. Make a habit of pausing to be less impulsive.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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