Ladies, Why Do We Attract Wrong Men?

Two words: soft spots.

Do you know your weaknesses? Are you aware of which buttons people push to manipulate you, feed off your vulnerabilities?

If you don’t recognize your soft spots, it is because men do. Plus, they know how to use them to their advantage.

Do not get me wrong. Vulnerability is an awesome trait to cultivate in a mature relationship.

However, if you feel not enough when being single, this limiting belief will become the reason you attract the wrong type.

The answer: become aware of your why for chasing that relationship.

Here are cues that may inspire you to dig deeper. Once you discover your shadow self, areas of your life that seem incomplete, you get to change your love story.

At the end of every section, I have incorporated prompts in the form of questions. Mediate on them. Journal your thoughts. See what comes up.

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You don’t believe you deserve better.

You may start arguing, hell no. I know I deserve the best. Hear me out.

Your self-concept, the habitual mind, is running your behaviour on autopilot. It is not what you consciously reply to hide your feelings, show somebody respect, or tell a lie. It is what you believe deep down inside based on the ideas you have picked up in childhood, how you were treated on the playground, what was your experience with the first love. Based on those misconceptions, you have established deeply rooted limiting beliefs about your worth, what men are like, how you should treat them and what you can expect in return.

Hither, the codependency is born. People get stuck in a toxic environment because it is familiar to them, so they play the pattern on repeat because the brain tricks them the relationship is safe.

The only way to recognize what beliefs run you is to observe the feedback. The feedback is nothing more than your surroundings:

repeating patterns you experience with people,
are you prone to criticizing,
are you afraid of being judged,
how people treat you,
how easily you get agitated in the work environment.

Once you can spot out limiting beliefs, you can change them through affirmations, mindfulness, implementing modifications in your lifestyle to calm down your nervous system, thus reactions to unwanted circumstances.

In what areas of your life do you feel lack? In what aspects do you feel like family, ex-partners have failed to provide you with?
What are you afraid to lose? What do you think you have to gain?
How would you want people to interact with you, could be of service to your needs?

You are afraid of loneliness.

Probably you have never been relationship-less. You rely on a romantic partner, your friend, or your parent to take care of you or fill in the boredom. You became too dependent on others, expecting them to make you happy or seen. What is more, you probably lower your standards to disguise loneliness.

Here is the inevitable truth: stop acting like you need to feel the void because you are already whole and complete.

First, accept yourself as you are. If there are aspects you wish to transform and are willing to, start implementing changes. The other person is not the condition for your growth. You can travel on your own. You can become in love with your life. You can embark on a journey of self-discovery, and if the right person comes along, you can grow together.

Just start with where you are now. Get rid of the ‘waiting mode’.

Have you ever acknowledged being lonely, or are you running away from facing it?
Do you feel comfortable sitting alone in the café, or dining out on your own?
What would your perfect relationship look like, what would be an ideal way to spend time with your partner? Now, stop waiting, and start doing it. Alone.

You like the attention, not the connection.

Many people do not even realize that it is not the relationship with a particular person they get the thrill from, but the attention they crave. External praise and validation are like a drug that you keep coming for more. Once the person fails to provide you with some, you are on the lookout for another source of attention. The circle never stops until you are the one to break it.

It does not mean it is wrong to take pleasure in the attention, but it seems like nowadays women are under the spell of patriarchal society: that a woman’s path to self-worth is through male attraction. The issue arises once your self-esteem becomes chained to a person’s regard of you.

Whenever you feel the pull towards any relationship, ask yourself: what is it that makes me so attracted to the potential partnership? Is it the admiration I am after? Is it the genuine presence of that person, no matter where you are or what you are doing?

In what areas of your life you feel unheard, unseen?
What are the motives behind your actions? Do you feel passionate about your professional life, or you do it to chase approval?
What would be the worst thing that could happen if people would cease praising you?

You believe relationships are messy.

Whatever you believe about people you interact with, meaning whatever you expect from them, that is precisely what you are going to get. If you live with the conviction that men cheat, are not trustworthy, relationships are tiresome and take a lot of work, that is exactly what you sign up for through your limiting beliefs and the story you play on repeat in your head.

The only cure is to become aware of your internal dialogue, assumptions about men and the world in general. With awareness comes understanding and clarity. You can spot out negative beliefs running through your head every time you come in contact with a difficult person. As long as you sink into those assumptions, the patterns of relationships are going to repeat themselves endlessly.

Ever since I started telling myself that I am destined for relationships built on honesty, understanding and respect, my connections with people shifted drastically. Ever since I began working on self-respect and self-love every single day, relationships with people became trustworthy and revealed to me undiscovered layers of meaning connection.

If you have been cheated on, accept that. At the time, it was the lesson you needed to learn and grow from it. What wounds are you still holding open?
How do you show love and respect for yourself daily? Write down small acts, like preparing a homemade meal to bigger things, like setting boundaries and saying no without feeling of guilt.
What is the first fear that spring to your mind when you think about dating?

You don’t know what you want.

We think we like somebody and chase them. We get so fixated on getting that man to like us, we hardly ever stop and ask ourselves: Do I like him? What is it about him that makes me want to commit to that relationship? Most of the time, we become more interested in the idea of what that person may represent than how he is. Stop falling for the potential.

Where does the approach come from? Indecisiveness. Lacking clarity. Lacking boundaries.

Think about it, when you know what you want from life, you will not settle for less. You know what feeling you expect in return, and you will not accept anything resembling that. It will only leave you half there, depleted and dissatisfied. When you have no clear purpose on what you want from a partner, not in physical preferences, but how he makes you feel, what both of you can bring to the table — you accept anyone who comes along and makes you feel … something. Not alive, but you settle for ‘nice’. Not curious about life, but that might be fun.

Close your eyes. Imagine what the ideal partnership would make you feel like? I am not talking about early stages, but once the butterflies calm down. Relaxed? Eager for life? Unbothered by any drama going in people’s lives? Now, embrace that state. Imagine it. Feel it. Believe it. Maintain that feeling throughout the day. Experience it.

Feeling a state produces that state.

— Neville Goddard

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I am not stating that one hundred percent of cases will fall into the above-mentioned category. But from experience and dating stories we girls share, there are particles of them, if not the whole package.

In short, you cannot acquire self-esteem, feeling better about yourself from external sources like partners, appearance, possessions. All things that constitute your true value cannot be derived from the outside. They can only come from within.

People who prey on low self-esteem will always sense your lack of confidence, your thirst for validation and praise. You will always match.

When you become aware of what motives drive your behaviour, reasons for entering a relationship, you can consciously change how you approach interactions with people or material objects.

How come you long for something else to complete you when there is nothing to fill in? All you need is to discover the wholeness of whom you already are.

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Thank you for reading!

I write to empower and inspire with self-love. Your biggest strength lies in your authenticity, so embrace the whole package. Wear your unique attitude proudly.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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