I’m a Feminist, and I Want a Successful Man

When I say “women should look for successful men,” people frown. Their first reaction is to be skeptical.

And I don’t blame them: I used to have the same attitude.

We live in the best era for feminists. Yes, we still have a long way to go to achieve true equality of genders. Still, our mindset has evolved tremendously when compared to the previous decades.

Feminism also brought a new perspective on relationships. When women become more independent, they’re free to choose their partner. Now, we can choose our partner only based on love.

Except this mindset will ruin your love life.

Choosing your partnet only based on your feelings is a mistake. Modern life will challenge your relationship in multiple ways: work, children, life goals, and your values.

Don’t get me wrong, love matters. But it’s not enough.

That’s why women should look beyond that. Instead of prioritizing love, they should also prioritize success — even feminists.

Define your success.

The first thing that comes to mind when I say I want a “successful man” is money. That’s not entirely wrong: money is the consequence of success. But before you call me a gold digger, let me remind you that success means different things to different people.

Success goes beyond money: it’s a mindset.

This mindset shapes behaviors, attitude towards life, ambitions, work ethics, and relationships.

Every man around me — my father, friends, and boyfriend — behaves the same way. My boyfriend, Jonathan, is the perfect example. Here are a few things he has accomplished in the past years:

He took his Master’s degree in one of the best universities in Austria.
He worked for a startup, embraced the risky work environment, and worked overtime on most days.
Now, he got a job in a new area, and he’ll be a data analyst. He spared no effort to learn new skills and had the courage to change his career.
He invests his money with clear goals in mind, such as buying a house.
He takes care of his health by practicing multiple sports.

Jonathan is not rich, and he certainly doesn’t pay for my bills. Still, these behaviors indicate a successful mindset. What’s interesting is that one behavior leads to the other: working out gives him energy to study, seeing results from his investments motivates him to work harder, and so on.

What makes men successful is not their money; it’s their mindset. Sure, money is a consequence, but so are other benefits, such as a good health, decent relationship with others, and becoming smarter.

You need to have the same mindset.

Chances are you want to be successful as well. There’s no greater pleasure than achieving your dreams, especially after working hard for them. Even better: imagine sharing these achievements with your partner. After all, your partner is a great part of your life.

If you plan to be successful, you will expect the same from your partner.

Imagine this: you’re an ambitious woman who has her career as a priority. You know what you want, and you put in many hours daily working and studying. Your boyfriend has different values. He is perfectly happy with his low-paying job and prefers to spend his free time gaming instead of studying.

Your boyfriend is not a bad person. But this relationship will never work because you have different values. You won’t support each other’s interests and, with time, you might even resent each other.
In the end, insisting in this relationship is a waste of time.

Ambition is sexy.

Working towards your ambitions hurts. You’ll work on weekends, make mistakes, and sacrifice your short-term pleasure for a bigger purpose. Growing up hurts.

Ambitious people make difficult choices — not because it’s comfortable, but because it’s better.

As a feminist, I appreciate people who make difficult choices. If today I’m free to work towards my dreams, it’s because many women in the past made the difficult choice to change. They were also ambitious because they didn’t accept life as it was; instead, they fought to create a better one. And they were successful.

I expect the same from my partner. I want an ambitious man who is not afraid to create the life he wants. From my experience, ambition eventually leads to success.

And that’s extremely sexy.

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Wanting a successful partner doesn’t mean you’ll depend on him. On the contrary, a successful man also wants a successful woman — and, as a feminist, you’ll work towards your independency. One concept doesn’t cancel the other.

The people around you will highly influence your life, for better or for worse. Your partner will influence your routine, your mindset, and even your children. So a man with the right mindset will make your life better in every aspect. Choose carefully.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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