Five years ago, a widowed father emailed me after reading “3 Things I’ve Learned Since Losing My Mother,” an article I had published in HuffPost. Following his wife’s death, the man was raising three young children solo and he expressed interest in hearing more about the ways in which my father had supported me as a grieving child. Occasionally I receive emails from grieving fathers and although they land in my inbox teeming with grief and pain, tender messages like this man’s email offer a sense of hope and promise. Striving to do their best for a grieving child, these fathers are aware of the profound impacts of early mother loss. As difficult and painful as it was to lose my mother when I was eleven, I feel blessed to be in a position to offer suggestions based on the experience I had with a dependable, kind and loving father.
Hope Edelman says in “Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss” that the “degree to which a surviving parent copes is the most important indicator of the child’s long-term adaptation.” According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University “The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.”
With no guide book, no Google and no therapist to turn to for advice, my dad followed his heart and is the reason I am an independent, resilient and happy person today. Based on my personal experience here are some suggestions I offer fathers seeking advice on parenting following the death of a child’s mother.
Be Truthful and Kind
Once it became clear to the doctors that my mother would not survive, my father explained the seriousness of her condition to my brother and me. In her final weeks Dad took my brother and I aside and told us the truth with kindness and compassion. In a straightforward way he told us our mother was not going to make it, preparing us in the best way he could, for my mother’s death. In the aftermath of her death, he patiently answered any questions I had and so I always felt comfortable opening up to him as needed.
Allow Opportunities for Inclusion
Following my mother’s death, my brother and I accompanied Dad to Fahy Memorial in Galway city, where we selected the headstone for our mother’s grave. Dad asked us our opinions on the headstone design and though the decision was ultimately his, we felt included in the process.
Offer Security, Safety, Trust
Dad made it clear to us that we were his priority and he promised to be there for us, then and into the future. True to his word he has been consistently present in our lives down through the decades, offering guidance as deemed necessary and listening to our stories, hopes and concerns without judgment. Dad allowed us to grow into ourselves without criticism or fuss, showing interest in my life without asking too many questions. We have remained very close.
Provide Consistency
My father’s teaching job meant that his hours and vacation days were consistent with ours. This will not be the case in most households but in our family, it allowed for quality time together and the ability to make plans as a family. Before my mother died my father took an active part in meal preparation, household duties and childcare and so following her death it was not out of the ordinary to have my dad drop us to piano lessons, do the grocery shopping or purchase our new winter coats. Over the years Dad learned how to cook several of the special dishes my mother introduced to us and so our meals and mealtimes didn’t change, allowing for a smoother transition after her death. It helped that not everything was different.
Connect Through Keepsakes
By holding on to keepsakes & specific physical objects belonging to my mother, we kept my mother’s memory alive in our home. Nothing of hers was removed prematurely. I was given the option to donate or keep her clothing and down through the years I’ve made different decisions based on my taste of clothing, size and emotions at the time. Many of her belongings remain in our lives to this day including an old but functioning button accordion, her hair brush and several of her dresses. I wear her ring daily and on display around the house are photos of my mother.
Offer the Freedom to Express and Remember
We were encouraged to share our feelings at home as we wished. As a family we acknowledged openly our mother’s absence. My priority was to protect my father so I wasn’t inclined to upset him by revealing emotions too often, but when I did wish to talk, my father was always there for me. To this day Dad is a kind, gentle listener. He doesn’t pretend to have all the answers but his listening ear is ready.
Encourage Friendships
My father welcomed our friends into our home. He afforded us privacy, while also making the effort to get to know our friends over shared meals, hikes and fun outings. Time spent with my peers, laughter and play were all extremely important to me. I do wish I’d become acquainted with a little girl whose mother had died, as I think a friendship with someone sharing a similar experience to mine would have buoyed me in ways nothing else could.
Balance Activities and Downtime
Dad made sure to keep us occupied while at the same time allowing us plenty of down time. Besides drama classes, piano and other afterschool activities my father took us on trips in Ireland to visit relatives, and abroad. Memories from my teenage years of European adventures with Dad are some of my dearest.
Allow for Space and Privacy
As children and teenagers, we were permitted space. My brother and I had our own rooms and fortunately the three of us enjoyed our own company. We read, worked on art projects and listened to music by ourselves. Alone time was crucial for me as I frequently wrote in diaries and journals while coloring activities calmed and soothed me.
Grief and anxiety have followed me into adulthood, a relentless cautioning to remain alert to both the opportunities and the dangers. The death of my mother at such an early age resulted in constant anxiety about losing my father, practically a given when a child loses a parent, but having a stable relationship with Dad when I needed it most, enabled me to thrive.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
