We typically define relationships and marriage as two hearts merging as one. That is true, but a relationship or marriage ultimately boils down to love and money.
I’m using the word “money” to mean more than just Benjamins. I’m using it in a broad sense to include the security and comfort money provides like a comfortable home, a car, food, clothes, children, and eventual retirement.
The role of money
If we lived our lives like gorillas or chimpanzees in the jungle where power and strength rule — not money — we could simply follow our romantic, sexual bliss wherever it takes us.
We wouldn’t be burdened by determining who’s going to pay the mortgage, car payment, insurance, and food bills.
But that’s not the case. We live in a world where how much money we earn determines our socio-economic status and quality of life.
Money matters — in life and in love.
The power of love
I contend we crave and need love as much as breathing, eating, and sleeping.
There is no drug available that makes us feel the way we do when we catch Cupid’s arrow — that unbridled, obsessive, euphoric sensation is unmatched in life.
Reciprocated attraction is so intoxicating if there really was a Cupid, we’d pay a million dollars for a single arrow.
Love makes life worth living.
Can we have it all?
If we need both love and money to be happy, does that mean we have to choose one over the other?
Is love more important than money….or vice versa?
Can we increase our chances of having both?
A lot depends on how the relationship or marriage begins.
The genesis of love
If at all possible, it’s smart to have some awareness of what kind of love you’re experiencing. Of course, there’s nuance, but there are generally two ways love begins:
Explosive: We sometimes call this love at first sight. This is the intoxicating, overwhelming, all-consuming, take-your-breath-away, kind of love that literally knocks us off our feet.
Measured: This is the opposite of explosive. Sure, there may be a spark of interest, attraction, and intrigue, but not a knock your socks off kind of experience. This is the kind of love we hope and expect to grow over time in a predictable measured way.
Explosive love creates temporary insanity
I have at least three friends — two male, one female — who literally lost their minds during the process of falling in love.
In each case, they were known for two things: living a conservative, reserved lifestyle and saving money in such a disciplined manner they would often refuse to join friends for dinner if they thought it was too costly.
Until they fell in love with someone liberal, wild, and expensive.
Suddenly, they’d be up all night partying and spending money like it was their last day on earth.
When I tried to gently point out they were behaving so differently than they normally do, all I got was a bleary, wild-eyed glance and a shrug of the shoulders.
They each spent a huge chunk of the money they’d saved over the years — on explosive love.
I’m not saying it wasn’t worth it. Perhaps it was. Or, maybe a more balanced, dependable love can emerge from an out-of-control start — but not with them — or me.
Measured love is more rational, but is it true love?
There’s a great song in the musical Fiddler on the Roof called, “Do You Love Me?” which epitomizes the notion of measured love.
This was during an age when a local matchmaker decided who married whom. It wasn’t rocket science. They’d essentially make a list: family history, level of wealth, devotion to the religion, overall health. And match two people based on perceived compatibility.
This would be the equivalent of choosing your daughter or son’s wife for them. Even with good intentions, the odds of creating both an economic and romantic match would be unlikely. You could objectively find someone of similar socio-economic status and religion, but humans haven’t yet discovered a love potion that creates butterflies in the stomach and explosive attraction.
So it is safe to assume Tevye and Golde, the parents in Fiddler on the Roof didn’t begin their marriage by making wild love in the back of their pick-up after downing a quart of MD 20/20 spiked punch?
The value of their marriage was measured and grew over time — expressed lyrically as a result of cooking, cleaning, farming, child-rearing, and praying together — creating what they eventually defined as “love.”
Explosive versus measured love….and money
So what’s better, instant, heart palpitating, take-your-breath-away explosive love or a more measured, calm, pragmatic, take-the-long-view approach?
Or, is explosive love a part of our biological, evolutionary nature — potentially accounting for why we tend to stray once a relationship or marriage becomes too measured?
To be blunt: we crave fresh romance and sex — it’s in our nature.
And we also have a strong desire for money.
How do we pair the two?
Have your eyes explosively wide open
By the time we’re all young adults, we know who were attracted to and the usual consequences.
Date the badass, marry the responsible one is a commonly accepted concept but is easier said than done.
Some of us are only attracted to people for whom we have little in common that are generally not good for us. And are only sexually aroused by someone who literally rocks our world — regardless of compatibility.
If you limit yourself to only those who turn you on like a teenager, you may find something resembling love, but are not likely to focus on whether you’re on the same page economically, socially, or emotionally.
When you’re explosively in love, you are less likely to consider and contemplate matters of money and finance.
When your punch-love drunk, you believe love will find a way.
When you’re madly, uncontrollably in love, you believe love will pay the bills.
In the earliest stage of explosive love, rational thought or planning gets lost in the frantic, manic, haze of Eros and explorative sex.
Who’s going to pay the bills matters about as much as whether you’re getting enough sleep or eating properly — not at all.
Measured love trade-off
Some people believe true love must begin explosively and that measured love is simply settling for less than the real thing.
Yes, sometimes a friend becomes more than just a friend — romance can bud and evolve out of seemingly nowhere. But we don’t normally date our friends thinking a romantic attraction may develop at a later time.
We’re much more likely to develop a rational, financial, partnership with someone who we think of as a friend than someone who rocks our world to the point of losing our minds.
Measured love lends itself better to monetary compatibility and planning.
Can you have both money and love?
It depends.
Are you someone who tends to be very picky and only attracted to a narrow range of people who tend to be financially incompatible with you? And are you seeking explosive love?
If the answer is yes, and you want romance in your life, love is more important than money.
Can explosive love develop into a more financially secure, measured, rational relationship? Yes. But it ends up being luck, not design — a crapshoot.
If you’re someone with a wide range of people you find explosively attractive and you’re willing to consider compatibility upfront, you have a much greater chance of choosing someone who’s on the same page financially and romantically — thus having both.
Summary
I am sensitive to the materialistic tone of this article.
It may seem I’m suggesting you have to choose between love and money — I am not.
I am suggesting (and wondering) whether some of us (me, for example) have such a narrow range of people for whom we are attracted that we end up in a continuous series of mismatches.
Because I’ve always placed explosive love above all else, I’ve never been with someone for whom I am financially or emotionally compatible — I’m that guy who thinks love will always find a way.
I’m also willing to be realistic and straightforward about the importance of having money in a capitalistic society where your lifestyle is often wholly defined by your income.
We need love and money.
If we want both we need to consider a trade-off — slightly less explosive love for a more measured, compatible approach.
Will I ever experience both? Not until I follow my own advice.
Will I ever follow my own advice?
I’m trying….and, I promise, the minute I strike that perfect balance….you’ll be the first to know.
In the meanwhile, I’m in the explosion camp — give me love, a tent, and some ramen noodles and I’ll be fine.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Visual Stories || Micheile on Unsplash
