3 Stages of Adulting for Men

I have encountered three different “types” of men in my life. Each are on their own journeys, each taking steps on their own timelines.

Life is complex. We have the perspectives we have and make the choices we do for many reasons. These reasons vary from the staging of our human development as children and youth, our personalities, the activities and ideologies we were exposed to, the environment around said exposures, our social location, and our willingness and ability to be open to growth, being loved, and giving love.

I was raised amongst and helped raise six brothers. I had 18 boy cousins on just one side of my family. The ratio was 3 boys to 1 girl in all facets of my life, it seemed. When I got married, I had dated many boys, some of whom were attempting to “adult”, but others who flat-out refused. I didn’t realize at that time how complicated men could be. I thought women were the only ones who made no sense…and I was one of them!

My perspective has since shifted. I have many women friends who are the most sincere and beautiful people on the planet. I also have many man friends. Men’s struggles as a whole are strangely similar, as are women’s. In my work inside the coaching and mentoring world, I see three stages of adulting for men. They are:

Stage One: The Perpetual Teenager

Stage Two: The Try-er, but Cryer

Stage Three: The One Who Figured it Out

To quickly tell you where I have identified these men in my life…

I was married to The Perpetual Teenager for 27 years. I have dated them as well. They are the source of most of women’s heartache and grief.

The Tryer, but Cryer, is sadly a lot of the men I dated. They want something SOOO badly, but it is just out of their reach. They cannot seem to figure out what they are missing. They keep putting themselves out there, only to experience the same pain and rejection, repeatedly. This is a majority of the men.

Perhaps all of my brothers went through the Tryer, but Cryer school of thought, but graduated. I’m putting my male cousins and many of my man friend-mostly married ones-in this group as well. They are the source of much heartache as well, but the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t light years away.

As I said, it is a journey. A man can graduate from any one of these “types” into the next rung up on the ladder up at any time.

The Ones Who Figured it Out are men who effectively minimize the pain they cause along the way. They often have rough childhoods and youth, stay single until their mid-20’s (at least), get through school, establish themselves, THEN look for a partner to be with. These are a rare breed, perhaps the equivalent of a unicorn. I don’t know if I know any of these in person.

Above, I talked about my male friends who graduated from stage 2 to stage 3. Some of these went through hell to do so. They had tragic first marriages. Some of the wives left them, to come back later when they got their shit together. Some of them just had hard lessons to learn, but learned them.

I believe firmly that forgiveness, compassion, patience, and unconditional love is part of any long-term relationship. But that is all couched in the “tough love” approach to relationships.

What is easiest is not always best. If men chose what was easiest, they would all stay in Stage 1. More about this:

Stage One: The Perpetual Teenager

Lacks self-awareness and the ability to be introspective. Has no ability to see that he might be his own worst enemy.
Doesn’t take suggestions because he knows it all already.
Usually has poor relationships with his parents and siblings (unless they are like he is).
Works only enough to play. Life revolves around play and travel.
Pleasure-seeking above all. Responsibility is only to themselves.
Dates, but doesn’t have the ability to have deep relationships, no matter how hard the girl tries.
Blames his parents, his partner, his dog…whatever… for whatever is causing him pain.
Often lives alone after his partner is brave enough to leave him. He would rather not put effort into relationships after being “burned” once or twice.
They don’t know what a real relationship is. But even if they did, it would be too much work and its wouldn’t be worth it.
Resents the success of others-somehow they didn’t have to work as hard as he did, they got lucky, had rich parents, a more supportive partner, etc.
Entitled, thinks they deserve something more than to pay taxes or die.
Cannot reciprocate love, due to the fact that they don’t love themselves. What teenager loves themselves?
Resents those in his life who try to help them be successful, those who give them money help, career help, help on the house, etc. They hate being helped.
Think that everyone in the world has ulterior motives. They cannot see genuine love because they cannot feel it. This is because THEY have ulterior motives. They cannot love without a self-serving agenda, nor the promise of praise.
They live within a victim story, always.
They suffer from addictions.
They often say they want good relationships, but they are not worth the work.

As I said above, this was my almost 30-year marriage. I saw this, day in and day out. The victim stories they can create are masterful and complex. If only they could use that psychic energy for something useful! My ex was a narcissist, but I really think that most of the men who are stuck at this stage are simply emotionally immature. That alone causes enough pain to effect an entire village of people, though. There is little hope for these men, unless they get shaken out of it by something really painful.

I used to think you could love someone out of this place. But, contrary to my hope, pain is the best teacher. To shake a man out of an addiction doesn’t take more coddling, holding, and loving. It takes a DUI and some jailtime. Or it takes getting caught and a partner leaving, at least for a time. So many of us women have lived through at least one of these scenarios. If and when they graduate to Stage Two, or skip it altogether, the world is ready.

The women who are with men in this stage…that’s a whole book. Maybe I’ll write about us later.

Stage Two: Tryer, But Cryer

They see that they are “missing something” and take suggestions for improvement.
They complain about being “left behind”, cheated, abused.
They even go to therapy, after the prompting of a loved one, often a partner who they are sleeping with. Regular sex is worth the work it takes to do their healing work.
They don’t have the initiative to make changes on their own. BIG ONE!
They would rather do things for other people than care for themselves, groom well, clean their own houses, etc.
Praise is central. Will Work For Adoration
They want real relationships, but they are lost as to how to attain them or how they are missing the boat.
They whine and complain, occasionally putting in effort to improve themselves.
Inconsistent self-work. Its too hard, often, to stay at it, see the light at the end of the tunnel, and be in it for the long haul.
They would never leave a partner…ever. Their partners might go crazy, however, listening to a grown man bellyache for years.
They need an audience for their joys and complaints. Simply being happy or contented is not enough.
They are introspective enough to be dangerous, often misinterpreting things that others say and do, in order to maintain their victimhood.
They are not genuinely happy. They have to make great efforts to be engaging and easy for people.

You’ll see that this stage is still stuck in victim mentality. They want to be better, be happier, be more successful and are willing to work for it. The light at the end of the tunnel may still be too far off, but as long as they have a loving partner or friend to support them, they may get there. This stage is very, very time consuming and energy sucking for the village. And they many never change.

Many men get stuck here as well. They get accustomed to and contented enough in the pain and the attention that they get because of it. They can be introspective enough to see that they are their own worst enemies, that they can control a lot in their lives, and do the work to do so. But some don’t have the tenacity to stick it out.

The main characteristic of this stage is the lack of self-motivation. They need someone to tell them what to do, coach them along, hold their hand, promise happiness and joy, or they wouldn’t step onto the ladder at all. It’s shitty being the other person…just sayin’.

Stage Three: The One Who Figured it Out

This can be any man at any point of life. It’s not something that happens in their 20’s or 30’s, often. For some, it is hard-earned with a load of collateral damage. But, they made it, thank God. But if you find one in his 20’s, please bring him in for testing and potential cloning opportunities…I’m begging you. I might have hope for my female grandchildren, if they choose to be with men partners.

Self-starters. They have enough motivation in themselves that they don’t need to be told what to do. They have an internal drive to improve, seek, work hard, and accomplish!

They go to therapy while they are still single, without the prompting of another person.

They love to help, but know how to say “No” in order to make sure their lives are organized and put together, first. They don’t overextend themselves.

They get out of bed in the morning, with positive outlook for the day.

They smile. They talk. They emote. And it’s all normal for them. They are not trying to be something they are not.

When they get mad, they don’t throw fits. They know how to control their tempers and put that energy into something productive, like a run, or work on the house, or whatever…just not yelling and hitting things, for heaven’s sake.

They make love slowly. There is no hurry. Life is good. They are content. They aren’t going anywhere.

They make you breakfast. They get the groceries you didn’t even know you needed. They do the chores before you ask them.

Yes, a freaking unicorn, this man is.

They are usually older men, which is likely why older men have always been a draw for me. Their wisdom came hard-earned and they have a settled nature that is calming, and contented. It’s not that they aren’t fun or exciting. It’s that they don’t need us. They want us. They stay alert to our needs as well. They notice things and aren’t so distracted by the little things.

I am sure this is altogether too simplistic of an explanation for men’s complexity. But, it’s what I have seen, lived, and understand. I’d love your thoughts. Please feel free to comment below!I have encountered three different “types” of men in my life. Each are on their own journeys, each taking steps on their own timelines.

Stage One: The Perpetual Teenager

Stage Two: The Try-er, but Cryer
Stage Three: The One Who Figured it Out
To quickly tell you where I have identified these men in my life…
I was married to The Perpetual Teenager for 27 years. I have dated them as well. They are the source of most of women’s heartache and grief.
The Tryer, but Cryer, is sadly a lot of the men I dated. They want something SOOO badly, but it is just out of their reach. They cannot seem to figure out what they are missing. They keep putting themselves out there, only to experience the same pain and rejection, repeatedly. This is a majority of the men.
Perhaps all of my brothers went through the Tryer, but Cryer school of thought, but graduated. I’m putting my male cousins and many of my man friend-mostly married ones-in this group as well. They are the source of much heartache as well, but the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t light years away.
As I said, it is a journey. A man can graduate from any one of these “types” into the next rung up on the ladder up at any time.
The Ones Who Figured it Out are men who effectively minimize the pain they cause along the way. They often have rough childhoods and youth, stay single until their mid-20’s (at least), get through school, establish themselves, THEN look for a partner to be with. These are a rare breed, perhaps the equivalent of a unicorn. I don’t know if I know any of these in person.
Above, I talked about my male friends who graduated from stage 2 to stage 3. Some of these went through hell to do so. They had tragic first marriages. Some of the wives left them, to come back later when they got their shit together. Some of them just had hard lessons to learn, but learned them.
I believe firmly that forgiveness, compassion, patience, and unconditional love is part of any long-term relationship. But that is all couched in the “tough love” approach to relationships.
What is easiest is not always best. If men chose what was easiest, they would all stay in Stage 1. More about this:
Stage One: The Perpetual Teenager
Lacks self-awareness and the ability to be introspective. Has no ability to see that he might be his own worst enemy.
Doesn’t take suggestions because he knows it all already.
Usually has poor relationships with his parents and siblings (unless they are like he is).
Works only enough to play. Life revolves around play and travel.
Pleasure-seeking above all. Responsibility is only to themselves.
Dates, but doesn’t have the ability to have deep relationships, no matter how hard the girl tries.
Blames his parents, his partner, his dog…whatever… for whatever is causing him pain.
Often lives alone after his partner is brave enough to leave him. He would rather not put effort into relationships after being “burned” once or twice.
They don’t know what a real relationship is. But even if they did, it would be too much work and its wouldn’t be worth it.
Resents the success of others-somehow they didn’t have to work as hard as he did, they got lucky, had rich parents, a more supportive partner, etc.
Entitled, thinks they deserve something more than to pay taxes or die.
Cannot reciprocate love, due to the fact that they don’t love themselves. What teenager loves themselves?
Resents those in his life who try to help them be successful, those who give them money help, career help, help on the house, etc. They hate being helped.
Think that everyone in the world has ulterior motives. They cannot see genuine love because they cannot feel it. This is because THEY have ulterior motives. They cannot love without a self-serving agenda, nor the promise of praise.
They live within a victim story, always.
They suffer from addictions.
They often say they want good relationships, but they are not worth the work.

The women who are with men in this stage…that’s a whole book. Maybe I’ll write about us later.

Stage Two: Tryer, But Cryer

They see that they are “missing something” and take suggestions for improvement.
They complain about being “left behind”, cheated, abused.
They even go to therapy, after the prompting of a loved one, often a partner who they are sleeping with. Regular sex is worth the work it takes to do their healing work.
They don’t have the initiative to make changes on their own. BIG ONE!
They would rather do things for other people than care for themselves, groom well, clean their own houses, etc.
Praise is central. Will Work For Adoration
They want real relationships, but they are lost as to how to attain them or how they are missing the boat.
They whine and complain, occasionally putting in effort to improve themselves.
Inconsistent self-work. Its too hard, often, to stay at it, see the light at the end of the tunnel, and be in it for the long haul.
They would never leave a partner…ever. Their partners might go crazy, however, listening to a grown man bellyache for years.
They need an audience for their joys and complaints. Simply being happy or contented is not enough.
They are introspective enough to be dangerous, often misinterpreting things that others say and do, in order to maintain their victimhood.
They are not genuinely happy. They have to make great efforts to be engaging and easy for people.

Stage Three: The One Who Figured it Out

Self-starters. They have enough motivation in themselves that they don’t need to be told what to do. They have an internal drive to improve, seek, work hard, and accomplish!
They go to therapy while they are still single, without the prompting of another person.
They love to help, but know how to say “No” in order to make sure their lives are organized and put together, first. They don’t overextend themselves.
They get out of bed in the morning, with positive outlook for the day.
They smile. They talk. They emote. And it’s all normal for them. They are not trying to be something they are not.
When they get mad, they don’t throw fits. They know how to control their tempers and put that energy into something productive, like a run, or work on the house, or whatever…just not yelling and hitting things, for heaven’s sake.
They make love slowly. There is no hurry. Life is good. They are content. They aren’t going anywhere.
They make you breakfast. They get the groceries you didn’t even know you needed. They do the chores before you ask them.

Yes, a freaking unicorn, this man is.

I am sure this is altogether too simplistic of an explanation for men’s complexity. But, it’s what I have seen, lived, and understand. I’d love your thoughts. Please feel free to comment below!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***