Know Yourself Through Romantic Relationships

We are conditioned from the moment we were born by the interactions with the world around us. One of the most impactful is human interaction. Each and every interaction is woven all together and creates a set of beliefs, mindset, or traumas which follow us into adulthood. They influence the way we think, and thus, drive our behaviours. We are not responsible for a series of events that happened to us, which shaped the person we are today. Yet we are responsible for the life we want to live. Our job as an adult is to untangle this complicatedly woven tapestry called “MYSELF” and understand the core of the conditions our mind and emotion are operating.

Romantic relationships might explain best how our interactions with people can teach us so much about ourselves. You learn best when you feel—and who can resist the intensity of ‘love’? You don’t learn by isolating yourself from the world. You learn by blending in, being conscious and reflecting upon the inputs of these interactions. I’d like to see these inputs as a series of questions and actionable insights.

Often we have this internal conflict between our intention for a relationship we long for and our desires. We can desire people but that does not mean that we can partner with them to build a loving and nurturing relationship. Sometimes we intuitively know they’re not for us but stay in the relationship longer than we should because of this inability to resist the discomfort of desire dissatisfaction. One of the ways to get off the hook is to question the desire.

We’re often torn about the dilemma of trying to detach ourselves from a person that we are very much attracted to. To make it easier, try approaching this situation with a sense of curiosity. Simply ask the question “What is it about this person that makes me attracted to him/her?”. Chances are you’re not going to have the answer the first time you ask.

There are several reasons we desire someone. Below are the three reasons I think can make the most impact if we spend time reflecting and being honest with ourselves.

Drive these insights into action. Once you loosen the grip on what you want, you come closer to what you need.

1. Familiarity

You feel a sense of familiarity when you’re with them. This feeling can be either happiness or even suffering, as long as it’s familiar. Yes, we can be addicted to suffering and discomfort. Our brain is wired to keep us out of danger, by urging us to stay in the “known” zone. This affects the way we approach relationships, we keep going for the person who is able to trigger the same feeling we intensely felt in the past. Ask yourself from time to time what that feeling is and seek professional help to work through troubled traumas.

2. They provide important values that you are not able to provide for yourself

Looking at this in an optimistic way, by identifying what values your romantic partner brings to the table that you need, you can learn to self-provide and thus, become self-sufficient. Once you are able to create instead of passively receiving, you’ll realise that you do not need someone to make you happy, loved or feel whole, not to mention a person you know would not be ideal for a long-term relationship.

3. They make you feel significant and less lonely

The truth is you do not need anyone else to validate your existence. Being with someone does not help you to be less lonely, it just delays your ability to deal with solitude and being attentive to your own feelings. When you can be your best company, others would love to spend time with you too.

It is these incompatible romantic partners that help us increase our self-awareness. They help us to realise the areas that need to be addressed and improved within us. Thank them instead of blaming them why they can’t be the perfect partners yet.

Work on yourself to become the person you want to be with. You get what you deserve when you’re ready!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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