The Million Tiny Ways We Test Our Love

Before I went to pastry school, I completed my undergrad in political science and economics, intending to go to law school. It was a goal I fixated on around the age of seven when I first read those Encyclopedia Brown mystery books for children. Written like a young, accessible, Sherlock Holmes-type character, I loved seeing how the main character solved cases using attention to detail and focus on the other characters’ motivations.

This also probably contributed to my interest in psychology with a particular focus on relationships. Often chosen as a mediator or counselor-type among friends as I was growing up (and still today!), I thought I wanted to get my law degree and go into conflict resolution. I have long been aware that humans are notoriously bad at communicating what they find important, and that the things people say they care about are usually not the core issues that actually bother them.

Acrimonious divorce for example: Removing the issues of children, custody, and the kids’ safety, acrimonious divorces often center around finances, and how to split assets. But while the parties squabble over what to do with the cars and the house in the Hamptons and the retirement accounts, usually what they’re actually fighting for is control. They care less about how the funds are allocated, and more about feeling like they won the power struggle, particularly when the divorce was not their idea or resulted from betrayal. They are hurt, so they lash out trying to hurt back.

But even when we love our partners and want to be with them, we test them in a million little ways. We rage when they track mud and dirt across the floor or leave a dish by the sink when the dishwasher is empty and we extrapolate little carelessnesses like this to mean they don’t value the work of keeping the house clean, which obviously means they don’t actually love us. Right? Sounds ridiculous when phrased like this, but so often we do this without being aware of what’s motivating us.

We throw fits unrelated to how we are actually feeling. We don’t calmly and rationally say, “Hey, I’m feeling a little insecure in our relationship, or like our connection needs to be refreshed and I’d really like to spend some quality time together soon…can we make that work?” Instead, we get angry and accuse our partners of “never taking us out on dates anymore.” (This, by the way, does not usually yield a loving date night out. In case you’re wondering.)

We devise little tests and mind games. We think to ourselves, “If they love me, they’ll offer to take me to the airport or do this chore etc., without me asking.” We assume they’ll realize that our passive comments (gee, my throat is really dry…) are disguised bids for attention (“See me! Hear me! I’m thirsty! Offer to go out and get a drink with me!”) and respond favorably without us actually having to put ourselves out there. But those are a ton of assumptions, and our partners are (mostly, probably) not mind readers.

Especially in a dating world where ghosting, breadcrumbing, and cushioning are the norm, it has become a game to see who can get the most out of their partner while seeming to care the least. But in these games, there is no clear winner; just a bunch of people left feeling empty and sad.

Here’s what you can do instead

If you want a better connection, communicate openly and with integrity about what you need, and allow them space and a chance to respond. Don’t assume that their timeline is yours; it may be helpful to set parameters — e.g., “Honey? Next month, I’d really like to go check out XYZ; would you be up for making reservations for that?” — and then let it go. But don’t expect them to leap to their feet the minute you make a suggestion and rush to fulfill your every desire. It’s okay to bring up the plans if you haven’t heard back after a reasonable time, but don’t poke and prod and nag constantly. If they know this is something that is important to you, and you are important to them — unless they have communicated an objection with you — trust that it will happen.
Assume the best intentions from your partner. Did they leave a glass on the counter by the sink, even though you’ve just unloaded the dishwasher? Maybe instead of intentionally being disrespectful to you, they are trying to limit how many glasses they dirty — which is actually very thoughtful — and they know they aren’t done drinking their beverage for the day. Pile of shoes and coats at the door? Perhaps they know they’re going outside again and didn’t want to drip wintery rain slush across the expanse of the hardwoods they’d have to cross to put their gear away in the closet.
Share with them how you feel. Be vulnerable. Be open. Hand them your heart like the most fragile of eggs and trust them to treat it delicately. Ask for what you need directly, rather than setting up hoops for them to jump through in order to prove they care.

But Kyra, I’ve already done all this. What’s next?

And then? The hardest part is taking their aligned words and actions as the truth. Believe what they say, but especially believe what they show you. If they make efforts to tell you and show you they love you (bonus if they learn to speak your love language dialects so you feel the loving effort…thanks for that suggestion Lee Bidoski ), trust them.

It really is that simple.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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