This poem I dedicate to you who ask this very question:
Tonight is Valentines
Alone, I wine and dine
I don’t have a friend
That I can call mine..
Why do I sing this sad song?
I don’t know what is wrong
With my miserable life?
I just need someone to belong…
It’s understandable that the hype of Valentines day makes you want to have someone in your life. Todd and I were having lunch out today, and all the songs they played we sad. Like really, really, sad! Like the ones you listen to after you breakup.
Hong Kong malls and restaurants play music — from horrible to good — mainly to fill the silence. No one really cares about listening to themselves in silence. Everyone seems to be running away from something within themselves they can’t put a finger on — unconsciously looking for themselves in things, jobs, people. As if their inner void can be filled externally.
Is it silence that most city dwellers have a problem with? My point in sharing this with you is to first bring some awareness to your own thoughts and emotions that present themselves to your silence.
Why is that important? It’s important because that awareness tell you a lot about yourself, such as who you are, what works for you and what doesn’t, what’s good for you and what’s not, minus any external influence.
Most people don’t care about being self-aware. And they wake up only when the build up of emotions comes to some sort of an uncontainable climax — looking for what to do with that build up.
This is Pasi’s post on 14th February in a Facebook group we’re members of.
How to attract (romantic) love? That seems to be the number one struggle in my life.
Is there a resolve for Pasi’s number one struggle? And why did it become obvious on Valentines day?
Here’s the thing. I’m going to provide a two-step simple solution for all the Pasis out there. Simple. Don’t confuse simple with easy. Resolve to doing it — stick with it until you see the results for yourself.
I don’t want you back on social media a year later looking for answers to the same question over and over. Are you ready for this?
STEP 1 — Find A Hobby
Think about all the simple things you enjoyed doing as a child — sports, arts, crafts, going to the beach, swimming, biking, hiking, walking & talking. Why is this important?
Once you’re done with the initial phase of the relationship where you’re sexually very active, what will you do together? What will you do when you’re not having sex, wining or dining?
This is when your hobby is going to be useful to have. So start working on creating a healthy positive hobby already, because if you don’t do it now, you won’t know the value in it.
Your hobbies bring you happiness.
If you make anything outside your control the source of your happiness, you are creating misery in your own life. A miserable person has little value to offer in a relationship. You wouldn’t want to be with a miserable person, would you? Then the first thing to do is to resolve to be different. Have hobbies. That’s what makes you an interesting person.
You don’t need to do extreme stuff like jumping out of airplanes or mountain climbing to be an interesting person. Simply cultivate respect for the simple things in life again.
Once the initial phase of the relationship is over and you’re feeling more comfortable farting around each other, you’re going to do simple things like walking and talking, sitting silent in each other’s company and read or do your own thing, or go to the gym. Or pursue your interests/hobbies together or individually.
If you don’t have hobbies or appreciation for simple things in life you’re going to wonder:
- Why aren’t we having sex as often as we used to?
- Is he/she not attracted to me anymore?
Your mind is going to play a dramatic movie and project it right on to your relationship. When you have a hobby, you’re not likely to do that because you’ll have better things to do than worry about the status of your relationship.
STEP 2 — Find A Friend You Can Possibly Share Your Hobby With
Now that you have a healthy positive hobby, go find people you can connect with through that hobby. If someone doesn’t have a hobby, that’s a red flag.
Meet positive people and do non-date activities with them:
- No meals sitting across from each other asking interview question or going down checklists.
- No movies sitting in silence for two hours hoping to bump knees, no drinks in which one needs alcohol to socialize.
- No Friday nights or Saturday nights in which people habitually only meet at end of week.
- Go out to share your hobby without a time-pressure. (People are on a clock on coffee, drinks or meal dates. Avoid that.)
Your goal is to do things together that distance from people thinking that “I’m on a date”. Do things in morning together if possible. The more unconventional things one does with others, there’s a higher chance of connecting. People are more their genuine selves when they are distant from acting like they are on a date or being in that “Omg, this is a date” space. And before you know it, a friendship has developed in a genuine way in which chemistry and attraction develop too.
Needing to suss out chemistry at the beginning is a BS concept that people keep on enforcing. Plenty of happy couples had chemistry right at the beginning and plenty of happy couples did not have chemistry right at the beginning: sometimes chemistry and physical attraction develops in time, as it did in our case.
Practice this with both genders. Sometimes people mope about not finding a partner but test yourself if you can even find a new genuine friend. Having friends from the past doesn’t count. The goal is to see if someone still likes you — man or woman. Sometimes we get too comfortable thinking that we are so appealing or nice based on having friends from the past. Is your most recent best friend from 5 years ago for example? Well, if you are single and lonely, see if you can make a new friend. Once that is easy to do, then it’s more realistic that you can find a partner.
You can’t find a partner if you can’t find a friend.
There you have it. The simple two-step solution to end your singlehood — 1. Find a hobby and 2. Find a friend.
Thank you to the editors at
. Thank you for your time.
Neha is the author of #1bestselling book WIRED FOR SELF-LOVE. If you enjoyed this story, consider subscribing to me. You can become a Medium member and read as many of your favorite stories while supporting writers.
Free resources and checklists for your life enhancement are available at NehaSonney.com/FREE. Opt-in required. Here are some other places in the online world to stalk me: LinkedIn, Website & The Relationship Academy Podcast on Spotify.
