Think divorcing someone will make your life better? Lots of people think so. They end a troubled relationship and assume that anything’s better than staying married to a toxic person. We all want a better life.
Sara* (not her real name) thought divorce would solve all her problems. She filed for divorce wearing rose-colored glasses. Finally, she would be free of her alcoholic and abusive husband. She’d never have to clean up his vomit again.
There wouldn’t be any unpaid bills anymore or nasty bill collectors on the phone. She’d no longer be called demeaning names and ordered around like a servant. She was free at last.
Sara thought her troubles were over. Little did she know that they had only just begun. There was a price she would have to pay for her freedom.
She thought divorce made life easier
Sara believed that divorce would make her life easier. She thought she’d meet someone better and would find happiness. She’d focus on her career, too. With child support coming in, her finances would finally be in order.
Sara was a kind person and had put up with a lot. Yet she was also naive. She believed in happy endings. She was shocked when she learned how brutal the entire divorce process was.
She couldn’t believe how difficult it was to live alone and do everything herself. It took a lot of effort to get herself into a routine that worked.
And now that she was older, there were fewer available men in her age group to choose from.
The one thing that made her feel better was knowing that there was peace in her home again.
Getting divorced doesn’t mean you’ll meet someone.
Many people believe once they divorce, new love will be waiting in the wings. And for some fortunate people that is true. A census showed that most men and women remarry within 5 years after a divorce.
Yet some people never remarry. They search and never find the right one. For example, it’s not easy for a mother with numerous children to attract a new partner.
And some people were so traumatized by their abusive marriage that it’s hard to be in a relationship with anyone. Some will experience problems with their new partner because of their past trauma.
And there’s a chance that after divorce, some unlucky ones will be alone for the rest of their lives.
Getting divorced often plunges people into poverty
Getting divorced is expensive. There are attorneys to pay, and two households to support. The noncustodial parent often pays child support or alimony.
Sara’s husband became spiteful and decided to stop paying her, and she found herself struggling to make the bills. She even had to wait in food lines and ask for charity. It was humiliating.
Ultimately, she had to sell the family home because she couldn’t meet the payments without another check coming in.
Her friend pointed out the obvious. If her spouse wasn’t financially responsible during the marriage, then they won’t be after the divorce either.
Sadly, some people never go back to the status of their married lives. They live in worse neighborhoods and smaller homes. It’s the price they pay for peace.
Divorce does heavy damage to the family and traumatizes children
Children suffer greatly during a divorce. They often lose contact with the parent they don’t live with. Teenagers will blame one of the parents for the divorce, and this can cause estrangement in families.
Countless parents are estranged from their adult children because of hurt feelings during a divorce. Many of them would have forced themselves to stay with their abusive partner if they knew it would prevent losing the child they love.
It’s hard to be a single parent. Ask any divorced person who now finds themselves alone at night worrying endlessly about how they’ll pay the bills. If there’s a strange sound in the house at night, they don’t feel safe. There’s no one there to protect them from an intruder.
They now have to do everything. They work, cook, clean, do repairs, do landscaping, run errands, and deal with children all by themselves. If divorced parents don’t have a good support network in place, it’s extremely stressful.
Many newly single parents cry themselves to sleep at night in frustration.
Divorce affects your friendships
It’s a shock for couples who split up to find out they’ve lost their friends. Their married friends will often take sides.
Some of their friends won’t want to hang around with them anymore because they want it to be all couples. The divorced friend is often the third wheel at a night out.
Some friends will feel they’re forced to take sides. Their social life won’t be the same anymore.
Divorce causes stress
Divorce brings stress to the entire family. It causes a higher resting blood pressure for the newly divorced.
Parents may have less patience and may spend less time having quality time with their children. They’re working all the time to pay bills and no longer having fun. Life to them is cruel.
Children suffer in school, and their grades may drop. They may act out in frustration.
Even older people are affected. They often experience higher levels of depression. Many gain or lose weight.
Before you choose to divorce
We shouldn’t take divorce lightly. It changes lives, sometimes for the better but often for the worse. It’s not only hard for the adults involved, but it’s also devastating to the children.
Divorce can negatively affect your relationship with your children. It can leave you penniless and on the street. It can drive away your friends.
Before filing for divorce, try sitting down and having a heart-to-heart with your partner. Explain your concerns. Work out your differences. Maybe you can build a new relationship based on mutual respect and trust.
Yet, sometimes divorce is the better option. It’s no use trying to work things out with an unwilling partner, especially if they were abusive. Divorce brings a brand new start. It can be exhilarating.
People pay a huge price to get divorced
There’s a huge price to pay when you divorce someone. It’s not always a happy ending. You will risk losing your security. It may drive a wedge between you and your children.
Getting away from that toxic person was the first step to a new life. You must now focus on survival and making sure your children feel like they still have parents who care.
Divorce isn’t an easy answer, but sometimes it’s the only solution.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Raychan on Unsplash
