A Good Divorce Is Possible

Divorce. For many, an ugly word with dramatic connotations attached to it. A word that can usually elicit strong opinions from people whether they have experienced one firsthand or not.

If you are going through a divorce, you will be feeling the free fall of everything you have ever believed changing forever, every thought you’ve had about life and relationships up until now being challenged. It is certainly one of the most life changing experiences anyone can go through.

No matter how long you were married, you entered the marriage with the intent to stay married forever. Why walk down the aisle if you aren’t picturing your 50th wedding anniversary with a flock of kids and grandkids lovingly smiling at you as you get your photos taken? And yet, here you both are, having to look at each other and admit that the cracks can no longer be papered over. That the lack of oxygen in the relationship has finally suffocated it beyond revival.

I’ve been there. I’ve been on my knees, sobbing on the kitchen floor as though a demon was trying to expel itself from my body. The sheer shock of not being able to catch my breath as grief racked my whole being. Feeling as if I were literally dying.

If you have children, the guilt will be almost like a physical weight on your body. You will play horrific movies in your head of your little ones turning into depressed and anxious addicts, all because you were no longer able to live in denial a day longer.

Eight years on from my divorce, we have a happy and thriving family. Yes, we live in two households, but we still consider ourselves a family. My ex husband and I are friends and we’ve always been able to put the kids first when times were tough. It was not easy, it required a particular game plan that I had to blindly trust at the time.

First and foremost, you are going to be alright. Your children are going to be alright. Your ex is going to be alright. It comes down to the following fundamentals. If you can follow these tips, there’s a very good chance that you will all make it out the other side into a new version of the family that you have today. Not better, not worse, just another version.

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Look after yourself. This one is vital. It’s the old metaphor of putting your oxygen mask on so that you can look after others. You need to eat enough, sleep enough and get exercise every single day. In the early stages of divorce (the first 6 months) these three things should be non-negotiable.
Journal. Find a way to write when you are feeling desperate. If you’re too nervous to have a written record around, create a new email account and send emails to yourself from that account. It’s a good way to see that you are making progress as you reread and reflect on earlier entries.
Be alone. As painful as it is, being alone is an act of self love right now, even though it doesn’t feel like it. Trying to fill the space with someone else to take away the pain may temporarily dull the ache, but it will only come back to haunt you when it’s all over. The pain comes back even stronger than it was in the beginning. Do yourself and the other person a favour by just spending time with yourself.
If you are sharing custody of your children, be present when you have them. Let yourself fall apart and grieve and process when you have your time alone, then when they are back, do your best to give them as much of your presence as you can summon up. I know that it’s hard when you are feeling so down, but you will thank yourself for making the effort in the coming years as you see how you have helped your children to thrive and become resilient.
Don’t drink or take drugs to try and numb the pain. The party always has to end, the hangover always has to come. There’s nothing quite like a hangover to induce a crippling trigger. Drugs and alcohol are depressants. They will take any pain and grief you have and worsen it exponentially. When you are hungover you are emotionally weakened. Try not to do this to yourself, even though the desire to numb and escape is very real.
Never speak badly of your ex in front of your children. Your children do not want to hear anything negative about either of their parents. If you are feeling negative thoughts or are struggling with your ex, call a trusted friend or a family member, or tell your coach/therapist if you can afford to get professional support.
Never speak badly of yourself. Two people were in this relationship, two people were responsible for how it played out. Regardless of why your marriage ended, trying to assign blame is a pointless and exhausting exercise. There is no point in blaming yourself for not being able to make it work. (Be mindful of negative self talk). There is even less point in blaming your ex. Start from today and focus on the future.
Don’t be ashamed to reach out to a support group for help. This is a time when you may feel like friends and family in your life who have never been there just won’t get it. Only someone who is going through a divorce, truly understands what it feels like. When you need that cognitive resonance, a support group can help. A quick google search will usually help you find a group close to you that you can join in with.
Read. There are so many good books that can provide an anchor when you feel like you are adrift on choppy seas. Especially if you are about to navigate co-parenting. I highly recommend The Good Divorce by Constance R. Ahrons, and Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher.

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The chances are high that you will falter at times and fall prey to some self defeating behaviours as a coping mechanism. I certainly did, which is why I can empathise and confidently give this advice, knowing that it is the best way to make it through with as little emotional damage as possible.

Although divorce is usually a word that evokes a negative thought response, there is certainly an option for divorce to be reframed and softened. To be able to reflect on it without the guilt, sadness and fear that overwhelms you in the beginning. If you are only just facing the first days, weeks or months of divorce, use these tips to help you find strength. Know that you can do this, and that one day you will be able to look back with understanding and a new appreciation of all you have learnt through this experience.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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