Recently, a TikTok trend emerged (and it’s quite alarming).
It goes like this: two people are dancing to “everybody” from The Backstreet Boys. When they say “everybody,” the first person asks a question, and the second answers with the music “yeah.” This happens twice, and the third time, the answer is an awkward silence.
The trend is innocent (and funny). But many creators used it like this:
“Are we seeing each other for a while?”
“Yeah!”
“Do we enjoy each other’s company?”
“Yeah!”
“Should we make our relationship official?”
*Awkward silence*
Although you’re dating for a while and things seem fine, people still don’t want a relationship. There’s this resistance to making relationships official (and getting married). It’s like a fear of commitment.
This is not an outlier behavior: you’ll find multiple videos with the same idea and thousands of likes. People relate to this.
You may think it’s just a trend. It means nothing for relationships.
But social media is a reflection of real life.
Viral content goes viral for a reason: it’s relatable. You see a video, and it’s funny; you relate to the feeling, or you’ve been through the situation before. So you share with a friend who also relates and so on.
When you think of it this way, there must be many people who relate to this situation (and that’s concerning).
Why do you date?
Let’s take a step back and think of why we date in the first place.
Relationships are a process, and each stage has its goal. You start by going on dates, then you turn into a serious relationship, and finally, you get married and create a family.
In the early stages, you evaluate whether you’ll move to the next step or not. When you go on a date, you want to meet the person and see if you could have a serious relationship. In a serious relationship, you want to know if you’re compatible enough to form a family.
When you see it this way, the goal of a relationship is marriage.
So even when everything goes as it’s supposed to be (you enjoy being together, respect one another, and have feelings), that’s still not enough for a relationship.
This brings me to the question: if not to find a relationship, what’s the purpose of dating?
Sure, maybe you enjoy spending time with that person, and that’s great. But dating is either yes or no. If you already know you don’t want to marry that person, you’re wasting time. Every minute you spend with someone who is not “the one” is a minute you don’t look for “the one.”
With love, you’re either in or out. Anything in between doesn’t work.
People from the trend lost sight of why they go on dates. Maybe they didn’t reflect on what they expect from relationships, or maybe they simply don’t know what they want.
Either way, these people approach relationships the wrong way.
The great fear of commitment.
So what’s behind this fear of commitment? Why don’t people want a serious relationship, although you found a suitable partner?
It’s the fear of making choices.
When you make a choice, you give up on something else. When you start a serious relationship, you let go of your single life and all the other people you can date. Yes, you gain something, but you also miss some.
What’s worse: you have the power of choice. Even if your relationship doesn’t work, you can find a new date with only one swipe to the right. You have so many options it’s almost a waste not to take advantage of them.
Why would you commit when you could stay single and enjoy your options?
Well, this choice is an illusion.
What people don’t realize is how little control you have over relationships. You don’t control: your feelings, your partner’s feelings, whether you’ll work well together or not. You may try your best, and that may still not be enough for a successful relationship.
Your choices are not really choices because you don’t control relationships.
What you can do.
If you’re seeing someone who doesn’t want to commit to you, don’t worry! There are two steps you can follow to get out of this situation:
First, understand what you want.
It sounds obvious, but most people don’t truly know what they want (they only think they do). Nobody teaches you to voice what you expect from relationships. Do you want a serious relationship with this person? Or are you okay with a friendship with benefits?
When you’re emotionally involved, you consider what the other person wants: “do they have feelings for me?” or “do they want a serious relationship?” So you leave all the power in the other person’s hands and forget to consider your wishes.
Once you know what you want, the second thing you have to do is to be firm with your wishes.
Let’s say you decided you want a relationship, and the other person doesn’t want the same. You may be tempted to continue with this person because you have feelings. One of the most difficult things you can do is walk away when you have feelings.
But here’s the truth: you can lie to others, but not yourself. You can’t ignore what you want.
What happens when you waste months on a person who can’t give you what you want? Will you change your desires and let them dictate the relationship? When you do this, you give up on who you are.
“Love conquers all” is the greatest lie of relationships. Love is not enough. If a couple doesn’t want the same things, that’s a recipe for disaster. You can’t change other people, and you can’t change what you want.
As much as it hurts, the only thing you can do is walk away.
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TikTok is a fun app, but it reflects reality. The trend shows that many people entertain romantic relationships without the intention of getting serious. Now, you don’t have to marry everyone when you date them. But, if you don’t commit, why do you date?
What matters most is that you’re honest about your intentions. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting a serious relationship. But the least you can do is be honest with your date.
When everybody knows where they stand, you can make better decisions (whether to stay or leave).
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
