The Steps of Reparation

When you’re finally done apologizing and making amends, you probably don’t want to have to do that again. You won’t want to make that mistake one more time. You’ll want to keep those problems away. So, listen to your lookout. He’ll tell you if they ever start coming around.

When the wheels start to come off, everyone is prone to develop their own kind of problem and make their own kind of mistakes. Some use substances, or gamble, or have sex with everyone, or can’t stop shopping: others get controlling. Still others get depressed or anxious or angry or just withdraw into themselves. Some have a combination of several kinds of problems and mistakes. Everyone’s got their thing. Your own type of problem and mistake is yours because it’s the very thing that sneaks up in your blind spots. It fits you like a glove. When it fools anyone into thinking it’s a good thing, it fools you first.

It takes hard work to eradicate problems and eternal vigilance to keep them away. Relapse can be expected. When we’re talking about addiction, it takes an average of seven real attempts before recovery feels solid and, even then, you won’t know if you’re going to need eight. Mental illness also tends to be episodic, and each new episode is worse than the last. People who have succumbed once to the temptations of violence, sexual recklessness, self harm, suicide attempts, or self pity are more likely to do it again. Moreover, problems will often go into hiding when they feel threatened, so that what appears to be recovery is really a more pernicious hidden phase of the same problem that troubled you before.

If you’re in a close relationship, you have a resource that others don’t have. You have a lookout. Your problem was not custom made just for her. It doesn’t sneak up in her blind spots. She spots it coming before you do. She can see through the deceptions more easily. She has a vested interest in keeping you safe from this problem. She could warn you that it’s approaching if only you will listen.

Paid professionals can help, they have the knowledge, they have the objectivity, but they don’t have the access your partner has. They don’t see you on the weekends and at night when problems often strike. They do not have as much at stake.

Far too many people fail to use their lookout. The lookout sees the problem coming and they argue with her, deny it’s happening, and get defensive. This is a mistake. It’s as if a lookout on a ship, up in the crow’s nest, saw an iceberg up ahead, and the captain yelled, “You’re crazy, I’m not going to hit an iceberg. You never trust me. I’m going to do what I want. Get off my back.” It would not be good if a captain did that.

To be sure, many lookouts don’t understand their role too well. When they see problems coming, they often make accusations, rather than observations. It’s as if the lookout, up in the crow’s nest, called out, “You’re hitting an iceberg again! Don’t you care about me?” They should just warn you that there’s an iceberg. They act so unreasonable, you might be tempted to dismiss their warnings as crazed paranoia. It would not be good if you, or any captain, did that.

However, you’ve got to realize that you’ve hit a few icebergs in your day, already, and your lookout should be excused if she gets excited when she sees another one.

There’s a few things you can expect from a good lookout. Don’t be surprised when you see them.

· A good lookout doesn’t resign. If your partner comes down from the crow’s nest and tells you that you’ve got to look out for your own problem, you can figure that next she’ll be going off in a lifeboat. True partners do not resign as lookouts, unless they’re about to leave the relationship, or they’re a damn fool. She has to be a lookout, if only to guard her own interests.

· A good lookout stays awake. He doesn’t watch like a hawk in the beginning and then forget about it later on. If it’s months or years since the problem last struck, don’t be surprised if he still on the lookout. He has to be. That’s his job.

· A good lookout scans the horizon. She doesn’t keep looking in the same place. The main thing to look out for is the way the problem arrived in the past. It is likely to come that way again. If, for instance, you get snappy at Christmas time, then she should be especially on the lookout at Christmas time. But understand, snappiness can come wherever there is busy-ness, family contact, alcohol use, overeating, darkness, or an imperative to be merry.

· A good lookout is not deceived. Problems arrive in disguise. No one starts off drinking three six-packs a day just to feel normal. No, they start off with a glass of wine at dinner, a beer during the game, or doing a shot with a friend. These things are all good things, there is nothing wrong with any of them in themselves. They are only evil because of where they lead. A good lookout sees through the disguises. He knows the masks that your problem wears.

· A good lookout is jumpy. She’s got to be vigilant. If you keep driving by that place where you used to score drugs, she should be seeing red flags. This may very well be the way the problem creeps up innocently.

· A good lookout raises the alarm. If he sees the problem return, he should say something, not keep that information to himself. You need to know it. He may not want to do it, no one wants to be the bearer of bad news, but this is what lookouts are for. If the problem has given the two of you a lot of trouble in the past, he might not want to believe it’s back. If the problem has already taken you over, he might get an argument.

· A good lookout keeps her eye on the hazard. If your lookout spots the problem, she should keep her eye on it, even if you say it’s nothing. In the case of chemical use, don’t be surprised if she looks for confirmation in the form of a home drug or alcohol testing kit to eliminate suspicions. For this, or other kinds of problems, she may want to get a second opinion from a professional; sort of like calling in another lookout and asking what he sees.

· A good lookout keeps himself safe. He shouldn’t be so busy being a lookout, watching out for your problem that he gets overcome by his own. Yes, even your partner has his own kind of problem and makes his own characteristic mistakes.

· A good lookout has someone looking out for her. Be your partner’s lookout, just as she is yours. Watch each others’ backs. You can see her problem more clearly than she can her own. If your partner has been dealing with your problem for a long time, she’s probably worked very hard to keep herself strong. Someone in the house had to function. The laundry, the cooking, the kids, the relatives, the shopping, and going to work don’t get done by themselves. She may not be accustomed to relying on you for anything; you just haven’t been reliable. That’s going to have to change. She needs a lookout, too.

If you’ve ever complained that your partner doesn’t trust you, let him be your lookout. This is how he learns to trust you again.

Keith R Wilson is a mental health counselor in private practice and the author of The Road to Reconciliation: A Comprehensive Guide to Peace When Relationships Go Bad, from which this article is adapted.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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